SoulWhisperer
Severe Medical Phobia « MtF »
- Nov 13, 2023
- 542
It's certain and clear to me that I need folks to support me, even online, to function as a person. I constantly face shit, or abuse, or generally unpleasant events, and what has kept me going this far is the support I received from my friends online. I met one of them irl, I met em on Roblox several years ago under a genre, that to me means this: online ≠ fake. Just because a relationship is online it doesn't mean it's not real. I still keep the moon shaped lamp he gifted me in my room and the day I spent with him in my city was FANTASTIC. He's such a wonderful guy and I'm grateful I met him.
This to say that support is what keeps me alive and functioning to a basic degree, and when stuff happens online and I'm alone, I suffer more irl.
I often end up thinking, pondering and mediating on various things, my life and etc. and especially my CTB. A woman pointed out the existence of a bridge taller than the golden gate near where I live, 85m into a river, 1% survival rate technically. It's funny how in death I still seek company. My book about the matter also found it interesting, how some people seek companionship even in death.
On this website, I thank for existing, in chats or especially in this forum here I always find very interesting information, touching stories and vents of people that suffer a lot. It's a mix of strong emotions, and what makes me feel more "true" here is what oftentimes the people that you see in general chitchat or doomer chat are REAL people (and with this I don't mean bot accounts but rather people that actually FEEL real, actually give a fuck about each other even without knowing each other and aren't automations that just say "yes" to anything like some news and whatnot tried to picture this site as). This place ain't leading you nowhere like they say, it doesn't "brainwash" people into dying like they claim, hell people even feel bad about seeing someone they met here die and wish they could remain.
Maybe I said this already in a another post but it doesn't hurt to repeat it once in a while but this place is one if not the only where I can feel welcome. I'm grateful for the folks that decided to hear me out, support me and etc here when nobody else irl or elsewhere would or could. Every reply, comment, reaction, PM, DM or profile reply makes me feel a little more appreciated, a little more cared for...
I still find myself in social dilemmas and whatnot occasionally, and it hurts when I end up alone, but every now and then it feels good to have someone willing to hear you and support you even just emotionally.
Ever since the assault incident my brain has sort of re-wired and the discovery of the bridge nearby has contributed to it, I feel sort of weird and it's hard to point down what will actually happen next, I feel a whirlwind of constant contrasting emotions. In my poems I describe my CTB as peaceful and as a "bittersweet end" or release. If I go with it I want it to be as bittersweet as I described it to be, I don't want it to be agonizing nor atrocious.
Dunno what the point of this post was, but I just had a feeling I had to let feelings out, I feel a chaos in a mind and all I wish for is stability and soundness...
On a side note, my "sister" is born and effectively she'll replace me. I hate my parents, I swear it's all because of them... I can't stand any sexist joke in this household anymore or I'll go insane.
This to say that support is what keeps me alive and functioning to a basic degree, and when stuff happens online and I'm alone, I suffer more irl.
I often end up thinking, pondering and mediating on various things, my life and etc. and especially my CTB. A woman pointed out the existence of a bridge taller than the golden gate near where I live, 85m into a river, 1% survival rate technically. It's funny how in death I still seek company. My book about the matter also found it interesting, how some people seek companionship even in death.
On this website, I thank for existing, in chats or especially in this forum here I always find very interesting information, touching stories and vents of people that suffer a lot. It's a mix of strong emotions, and what makes me feel more "true" here is what oftentimes the people that you see in general chitchat or doomer chat are REAL people (and with this I don't mean bot accounts but rather people that actually FEEL real, actually give a fuck about each other even without knowing each other and aren't automations that just say "yes" to anything like some news and whatnot tried to picture this site as). This place ain't leading you nowhere like they say, it doesn't "brainwash" people into dying like they claim, hell people even feel bad about seeing someone they met here die and wish they could remain.
Maybe I said this already in a another post but it doesn't hurt to repeat it once in a while but this place is one if not the only where I can feel welcome. I'm grateful for the folks that decided to hear me out, support me and etc here when nobody else irl or elsewhere would or could. Every reply, comment, reaction, PM, DM or profile reply makes me feel a little more appreciated, a little more cared for...
I still find myself in social dilemmas and whatnot occasionally, and it hurts when I end up alone, but every now and then it feels good to have someone willing to hear you and support you even just emotionally.
Ever since the assault incident my brain has sort of re-wired and the discovery of the bridge nearby has contributed to it, I feel sort of weird and it's hard to point down what will actually happen next, I feel a whirlwind of constant contrasting emotions. In my poems I describe my CTB as peaceful and as a "bittersweet end" or release. If I go with it I want it to be as bittersweet as I described it to be, I don't want it to be agonizing nor atrocious.
Dunno what the point of this post was, but I just had a feeling I had to let feelings out, I feel a chaos in a mind and all I wish for is stability and soundness...
On a side note, my "sister" is born and effectively she'll replace me. I hate my parents, I swear it's all because of them... I can't stand any sexist joke in this household anymore or I'll go insane.
