![lyles](/data/avatars/l/31/31631.jpg?1634222546)
lyles
Student
- Oct 13, 2021
- 142
So before I joined SS I lurked on the sight for a long time. I don't know what got me to finally join, but here I am.
I think at this point I am just hoping for some sort of guidance.
I don't want to ctb anytime soon, although I'm supremely stressed out at the moment I'm aware it is temporary. I have a lot of future things I am excited for and a great family, boyfriend, and plans moving forward.
Still I think about it a lot and do long for what I believe will happen after I die.
Part of me though really wants to have the resources to ctb if I choose to- it feels like an option still in my brain and it makes me anxious that I may lose that. SN is my chosen method if I do go through with it at some point, and I'm from the US so though it isn't illegal and fairly easy to get I'm worried it won't be and if I wait too long I will lose access. But if I do get it I'm worried about freaking out my loved ones if they somehow find it.
Sort of connected- I also feel somewhat guilty. My little brother has struggled with suicidal thoughts before and if he ever did anything or was on here I would be horrified and devastated. And I know my family would feel the same, that is part of what has kept me alive for so long.
I am just struggling to make sense of my feelings and any advice or guidance would be appreciated.
I think at this point I am just hoping for some sort of guidance.
I don't want to ctb anytime soon, although I'm supremely stressed out at the moment I'm aware it is temporary. I have a lot of future things I am excited for and a great family, boyfriend, and plans moving forward.
Still I think about it a lot and do long for what I believe will happen after I die.
Part of me though really wants to have the resources to ctb if I choose to- it feels like an option still in my brain and it makes me anxious that I may lose that. SN is my chosen method if I do go through with it at some point, and I'm from the US so though it isn't illegal and fairly easy to get I'm worried it won't be and if I wait too long I will lose access. But if I do get it I'm worried about freaking out my loved ones if they somehow find it.
Sort of connected- I also feel somewhat guilty. My little brother has struggled with suicidal thoughts before and if he ever did anything or was on here I would be horrified and devastated. And I know my family would feel the same, that is part of what has kept me alive for so long.
I am just struggling to make sense of my feelings and any advice or guidance would be appreciated.