Venting Conflicted, yet, set.

[LocalAngel]

My CTB date is in... approximately 77 hours from now. Assuming i'm doing math properly, lmfao.
I've fallen in love with someone, after only recently being broken up with. They know all about my date. They aren't forcing me to stop, but...

God. Falling for someone who genuinely gets you makes it really complicated. Here comes the problem though:

I know that, realistically, all of this shit is just a fucking ride. It's not going to last- this semblance of hope or happiness. It never has throughout my life. Not to say that the love won't last- but the happiness. The contentedness- the stillness i briefly feel... that will leave. It will go away as i become less dependent on them, and as i try to work on myself. And as i try to work on myself, it will get worse, like it always does.

Getting better requires focusing on the things that hurt you most. But doing that means that i want to CTB, or otherwise, cause bodily harm. The pain never really goes away from the wounds that i have. It will always stay- and no amount of love will ever fix that.

Just because i'm feeling gay as shit doesn't mean life suddenly fucking gets better. And yet- my brain acts like that. And i keep thinking, well, what if i wait one more day?

Sadly, the answer to that, is bad. I haven't gotten Covid yet. When i do, it will be horrible due to all of my vulnerabilities. It will very likely be a living nightmare. I am on a timer, in that sense. And i'm not sure how to store my SN properly either, i'm worried about it going bad, and being unable to get it again due to being in fucking Australia.

All of this to say that.. i really do love her. A lot. She makes me exceptionally happy- and being able to be honest while being unconditionally loved is something i've never had in my life before this.

But i know this happiness is temporary. I will return to my eating disorder bullshit, my self harm bullshit, my drugs, and eventually contract Covid, leaving me sick and stuck. If i don't leave now... i will lose the chance to do so safely. Or at least, it feels like it. Australia is so fucking stringent. Honest to god i wouldn't even be considering this shit if i was allowed to legally leave this planet at any time.

tl;dr: Love is amazing. It's given me hope. But i've been through way too fucking much and i'm just too tired. I've tried recovery so many times, and it always leads into more and more addictions and hellish mental health issues. The love may be forever, but the contentedness will subside- and i will be left with my addictions once again. Not really being able to live life properly isn't living. It's existence. And i don't want any fucking part of it. I feel like i need to say this, but obviously, there is way, way fucking more then just the above that's causing me to do this.

Assuming my mentality doesn't change, i'll be posting a goodbye thread soon. Thanks for reading this. Maybe give a trans girl a hug or something.

 

[Shadowlord900]

Love is a very fickle mistress. Sure if it lasts, it could help make you content enough to not want to CTB if its benefits outweigh all of the negatives in your life, but that's a gamble you have to be willing to take. If you don't think love, however long it lasts, will be enough to make up for all of the negative aspects in your life, then it is indeed not worth it.

Just to reassure you, you're not the only one concerned about the longevity of your ticket out of here. I am the same too with my tablets knowing that if this year is anything like the last, there's definitely a good chance of a bad heat wave coming up midway through July. I dunno if the same would apply for SN, best way I could think of storing it if it's already been opened, is to put it in a vacuum sealed bag, then put that bag in another bag filled with silica gel packets (those help absorb moisture), then just put that bag somewhere dark and dry place where it hopefully don't get too hot or too cold (I don't think it's advised to keep SN in the fridge).

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Your decision is heartbreaking for me but I agree that happiness won't last.
I wish you the outcome you desired

 

[LocalAngel]

Love is a very fickle mistress. Sure if it lasts, it could help make you content enough to not want to CTB if its benefits outweigh all of the negatives in your life, but that's a gamble you have to be willing to take. If you don't think love, however long it lasts, will be enough to make up for all of the negative aspects in your life, then it is indeed not worth it.

Just to reassure you, you're not the only one concerned about the longevity of your ticket out of here. I am the same too with my tablets knowing that if this year is anything like the last, there's definitely a good chance of a bad heat wave coming up midway through July. I dunno if the same would apply for SN, best way I could think of storing it if it's already been opened, is to put it in a vacuum sealed bag, then put that bag in another bag filled with silica gel packets (those help absorb moisture), then just put that bag somewhere dark and dry place where it hopefully don't get too hot or too cold (I don't think it's advised to keep SN in the fridge).

My SN is sealed, inside an envelope, inside a box, inside a closet. Yet i'm very worried for how long it will last.

ALSO I JUST FUCKING FOUND OUT THAT MY DATE IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE PUSHED TO APRIL 1ST, FUCKING GREAT :)
I love when my family has last minute contradictions due to life. GREAT.

 

[Shadowlord900]

My SN is sealed, inside an envelope, inside a box, inside a closet. Yet i'm very worried for how long it will last.

ALSO I JUST FUCKING FOUND OUT THAT MY DATE IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE PUSHED TO APRIL 1ST, FUCKING GREAT :)
I love when my family has last minute contradictions due to life. GREAT.

I've read SN is supposed to have a pretty good shelf life when stored properly, as long as it's air sealed you should be fine.

Also my condolences about your family situation. It sucks when you have to postpone your CTB date for whatever reason.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it's true that anything that is seen as being positive in this world only exists to be taken away and lead to more suffering, life really is so incredibly cruel like that. I wish you the best with your plans, I very much see it as being unfair as well how people are denied access to legalised peaceful methods, I certainly believe that it would make existence more bearable for some people just having that option.

 

[LocalAngel]

I've read SN is supposed to have a pretty good shelf life when stored properly, as long as it's air sealed you should be fine.

Also my condolences about your family situation. It sucks when you have to postpone your CTB date for whatever reason.

My dog had a major surgery and now my mother won't leave for my "friend coming over" and we have to "schedule it for next weekend" instead or whatever. Just some fucking cosmic bullshit as usual.

From what i remember, it was the sealed, airtight version from IC. Not the more open, sort of bag of chips version if that makes any sense, lmfao.

 

[Shadowlord900]

My dog had a major surgery and now my mother won't leave for my "friend coming over" and we have to "schedule it for next weekend" instead or whatever. Just some fucking cosmic bullshit as usual.

From what i remember, it was the sealed, airtight version from IC. Not the more open, sort of bag of chips version if that makes any sense, lmfao.

Then I think your SN should still be good for another couple, maybe even a few more years. But hopefully you shouldn't have to wait that long. ;^^

Sadly I dunno what I can advise about your mother not leaving other than please be patient, you'll get your chance soon. >___>

 

[LocalAngel]

Then I think your SN should still be good for another couple, maybe even a few more years. But hopefully you shouldn't have to wait that long. ;^^

Sadly I dunno what I can advise about your mother not leaving other than please be patient, you'll get your chance soon. >___>

I'm autistic so it's less the fact of "I can't leave soon :(" and more "i fucking hate when plans change" kinda thing. Especially when i was so mentally ready, yk?

 

[Shadowlord900]

I'm autistic so it's less the fact of "I can't leave soon :(" and more "i fucking hate when plans change" kinda thing. Especially when i was so mentally ready, yk?

I'm like the same too. I don't like it when unexcepted change happens because I always like planning everything beforehand.