Venting Conflicted, is it worth it?

[meatfleshprison]

I've been considering killing myself for years, and have been so certain of it happening soon for almost a month now. But, something is giving me the slightest bit of hope.

I confided in a friend about how I've been feeling, and he's been trying to understand. He wants me to visit him in his state soon, and he's been planning all sorts of things for us to do together. I indulge in these thoughts with him often, and it always makes everything feel a little bit more bearable. But, I don't know if I can wait. I don't know how much longer I can stand being alive. Everyday I think about killing myself and how much I want to feel the release.

Our plans have kept me going for about a week now, but it's all started to feel hopeless again. Instant gratification hasn't even been helping, Ive been drinking heavier and all it ever does is make me feel more suicidal. I hate being alive more than anything. I don't want to let him down like everyone else, but it feels impossible to postpone my suicide now.

I'm scared. I'm scared that the cycle is going to repeat with him, that he'll trick me into believing that life is worth living, that we can have a future together and that life is so beautiful. I'm such a fool. I don't know if I can trust him, I don't want to fall in love with him. I don't want him in my life anymore. But all I yearn for is for someone to love me. I feel so disgusting and pathetic. I've been flirting with him, I've been treating him like he is my boyfriend. It makes me cry myself to sleep at night.

I feel like a whore, I feel disgusting. My ex left me almost a month ago now, and my heart is still so full of him. I feel like all Im doing is trying to replace him, I feel so disingenuous. I want to kill myself as soon as possible, but this idea of a stupid trip is keeping me hopeful. I want it to magically fix and cure me, that I'll come back and be a completely new and changed person. A happier person with a new outlook on life, I want everything to be better already.

I know that will never happen, yet I'm hopeful. Is it over for me? Is it too late to take another chance on being alive? I feel like I've been waiting for things to get better for so long and no matter my efforts, everything gets worse.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all, only you know what you should do, but in this world it certainly is like any hope exists only to be taken away and inevitably lead to more suffering, it's true that you cannot trust people.

 

[HighFlight]

I guess that after all, only you know what you should do, but in this world it certainly is like any hope exists only to be taken away and inevitably lead to more suffering, it's true that you cannot trust people.

I agree with @FuneralCry that only you know what you should do. However, there are still some good people left in the world. Whether this new friend is one of them, only you can decide. As long as you're still breathing, it's not too late to take another chance.

That said, I can't argue against @FuneralCry's statement about hope being able to be taken away, leading to more suffering. Follow your instincts, and hopefully you can find a peaceful path forward.

 

[HoldOnToThatHope]

No, it's not too late! Hold onto that friend of yours and push through. I wish you all the best!