So I've been suicidal for years and it's gotten to the point where I can't function like a normal human being. I'm going to ctb soon but all I can think about is my family. My mom in particular is the one I'm most worried about. She's still grieving my oldest brother who died around 12 years ago. I'm pretty sure she cried the other day bc something reminded her of him. I remember how badly she was affected back when he died and she hasn't been the same. She said that the only thing that's been keeping her together after he died was me and my other brother. I feel so bad, I don't want her to think it's her fault she lost 2 children. I can't even imagine what it'll be like when I'm gone but I can tell it's probably gonna break her. But the fact that my living brother is doing well is giving me hope that he'll be there for her. Years ago I was scared he was heading down the same path as me but he now has a social life, girlfriend, job and a car.
I don't know what to do, I truly don't want to live anymore but I'm her only daughter. She sees me everyday, she sees the state I'm in, she knows I'm not doing well. She's been aware of me being suicidal for years and has brought me in and out of hospitals. I can tell there isn't a part of her that thinks I'd actually go through with it. Or maybe she doesn't even let herself think about it. She lets me talk to her about these feelings I have, but when I told her I don't want to be here, she brushes it off like she doesn't believe it. She's always told me that I don't actually want to die and to stop saying that. I know she doesn't mean it in a harsh way, she just doesn't think it's a possibility despite what she's witnessed from me and my worsening depression throughout the years.
I feel like I have no other option and I just feel so sorry. But I can't do this anymore my mental state is fucked and I'm having more frequent flare ups from my disability. They're the most painful they've ever been and it's to the point I can barely walk. I've become such a burden with all of my issues. I truly can't do this anymore.
I don't know what to do, I truly don't want to live anymore but I'm her only daughter. She sees me everyday, she sees the state I'm in, she knows I'm not doing well. She's been aware of me being suicidal for years and has brought me in and out of hospitals. I can tell there isn't a part of her that thinks I'd actually go through with it. Or maybe she doesn't even let herself think about it. She lets me talk to her about these feelings I have, but when I told her I don't want to be here, she brushes it off like she doesn't believe it. She's always told me that I don't actually want to die and to stop saying that. I know she doesn't mean it in a harsh way, she just doesn't think it's a possibility despite what she's witnessed from me and my worsening depression throughout the years.
I feel like I have no other option and I just feel so sorry. But I can't do this anymore my mental state is fucked and I'm having more frequent flare ups from my disability. They're the most painful they've ever been and it's to the point I can barely walk. I've become such a burden with all of my issues. I truly can't do this anymore.
