Walpurgisnacht
Lavender
- Feb 25, 2023
- 131
Hello SaSu.
I kinda need some advice on a dilemma I've got recently...
Some context:
For quite a while now, me and a very close friend of mine had a suicide partnership that if one of us was suffering too much then the other would go too. Right now, both of us are suffering, but she is suffering far worse and I hate seeing her in so much pain, she also has been basically thrown to the wolves by most people in her life, the same people she felt so guilty about hurting. Now that she's seen how they treat her suffering and how callous and uncaring they were towards it, she doesn't feel as guilty, and feels ready.
So I was recently asked if I'd leave with her, and it was sudden enough that I didn't have much time to think over what this might do to the others I leave behind, or if there's any more regrets left in my life. I suppose there is one, but it's not a major thing really, I don't mind missing out on it to stop hurting if I have to.
I am extremely grateful for her offer, and the fact she will let me go with her at all so we wouldn't have to be alone is probably the kindest thing I've ever been offered. But still I am conflicted, and I don't know why. Maybe I just didn't have enough time to mentally prepare? I'm not sure.
So I have tried to weigh the pros and cons of accepting and not accepting her offer.
Pros:
Cons:
I don't want any of these people to suffer... But I can't have it both ways unfortunately.
We both feel it's our time, but she doesn't feel the guilt she used to; I, however, still do... And it makes life even more miserable.
I'm not sure what to do.. I can either be responsible for her suffering there on out, or be responsible for her death to her loved ones.
Anyway, thank you for listening. I would like to see your views on this situation if possible. Because I can't find an answer myself that doesn't make me cry thinking of it.
I kinda need some advice on a dilemma I've got recently...
Some context:
For quite a while now, me and a very close friend of mine had a suicide partnership that if one of us was suffering too much then the other would go too. Right now, both of us are suffering, but she is suffering far worse and I hate seeing her in so much pain, she also has been basically thrown to the wolves by most people in her life, the same people she felt so guilty about hurting. Now that she's seen how they treat her suffering and how callous and uncaring they were towards it, she doesn't feel as guilty, and feels ready.
So I was recently asked if I'd leave with her, and it was sudden enough that I didn't have much time to think over what this might do to the others I leave behind, or if there's any more regrets left in my life. I suppose there is one, but it's not a major thing really, I don't mind missing out on it to stop hurting if I have to.
I am extremely grateful for her offer, and the fact she will let me go with her at all so we wouldn't have to be alone is probably the kindest thing I've ever been offered. But still I am conflicted, and I don't know why. Maybe I just didn't have enough time to mentally prepare? I'm not sure.
So I have tried to weigh the pros and cons of accepting and not accepting her offer.
Pros:
- It's so rare anyone gets the opportunity to not be alone when dying. To be in the arms of someone they trust completely in their final moments.
- My own degrading mental and physical health are still... degrading. My future is pretty much non-existent, and even though I can go away for a while, I always end up back where I started. I don't see this ever changing for the better; I tried my best, I really did...
- Her suffering would stop. I hate seeing her in so much pain. I hate knowing how much she's suffering behind the face she puts on; but most of all, I hate not being able to do anything at all about it. I just have to watch her in unfair agony and it's horrible, I always feel so powerless to help her, and this would stop her from suffering. It would give her a bit more peace of mind, and she would get to not be alone in her final moments too.
- Reliable instant death method, no pain, no elaborate setup, almost no chance of survival, we both instantly die together. Neither of us will see eachothers' corpses. The last thing I'll feel is her embrace.
- I've kinda had my fill of life. There isn't much more I want to do, and certainly nothing imperative. I'm basically just waiting around to die now anyway.
Cons:
- I feel so guilty, so extremely guilty. I'd be abandoning people who need me and love me and do so much for me; the thought of what they might react like to seeing I'm gone... making them suffer unfairly too makes me cry so hard. My boyfriend lost a friend to suicide back in school. I feel like such a monster for putting him through that again.
- I will have left her to suffer and endure more and more; I will have been responsible for this suffering and her not being at peace...
- If she CTBs without me, I know I will immediately follow her anyway, so if she's ready, I might as well go with her when she does instead of having to do it after. I would prefer that.
- It's possible she's having an episode because of all the stress in her life the past week or two. I can tell she's desperate, but the last time this happened she did survive. I asked her once if she regrets not attempting last year with me. She wasn't sure how to answer, but then said "I wouldn't have missed much anyway."
- She said she'd survive and endure if I wasn't ready too. But I don't want her t endure more pain and suffering... I really don't, but I also really don't want my other close loved ones to have to endure the pain I put on them. I know exactly how much pain she's in, but I don't know how my loved ones will grieve.)
I don't want any of these people to suffer... But I can't have it both ways unfortunately.
We both feel it's our time, but she doesn't feel the guilt she used to; I, however, still do... And it makes life even more miserable.
I'm not sure what to do.. I can either be responsible for her suffering there on out, or be responsible for her death to her loved ones.
Anyway, thank you for listening. I would like to see your views on this situation if possible. Because I can't find an answer myself that doesn't make me cry thinking of it.