Confession

[edu0z]

Due to sexual and social traumas from my adolescence and childhood, I have been unable to have sex to this day... that is, I am a virgin. I have met many girls and had the opportunity to be with many of them, but when it comes time for the sexual act I go into panic. There were many more things, but along the way I have been able to correct many mistakes and heal old wounds, however the sexual area is the one that most burdens my life today and the number 1 reason why I want to commit suicide.

Sometimes it seems like it's more stuff. But when my brain is lucid and I can investigate my traumas, it is the sexual issue that generates all the other problems.

One day I met a girl just as damaged as I was. With many traumas in the sexual field like me. We were practically soulmates, she was very important to me. Anna. She fell in love with me, we were almost all for each other. With her I learned to really love, to take care of someone... however I deceived her, I did her a lot of damage. One of my biggest traumas is with one of my first girlfriends when we finished she told me she was a lesbian and didn't like men. She did that just to get my attention, but I didn't know it and since then that affected me a lot and I was for a long time in which I felt that women did not like men and that all women were lesbians and I was panicked to approach a girl and be rejected for it again. So to finish with Ana I told her that I was Gay, and that was a lie.

I was a complete asshole. Part of the dissociation I have now is because I see that kind of past attitude as unbecoming of a man. And I constantly torture myself with it and my brain to try to escape pain and responsibility dissociates.

A long time ago I asked Ana for forgiveness, and told her everything from the beginning to the end. I managed to correct my mistake but I still torture myself with that episode of my past.

I was never a maltner or anything like that, I've never hit a girl, I've never screamed very loudly... but what I did to Ana seems horrible to me because I feel that I contributed to generate more traumas, just like the people who generated it for me.... After behaving so badly with her, I tried to change. Try to be a better man, and take care of her as best I could. Yet I continue to torture myself constantly.

I just want to turn the page and that's why I tell this here. I don't have anyone else to tell. I just want to continue so I can take care of the people who are important to me.

..........

At that time I felt horribly bad emotionally. I couldn't think clearly and yet none of that is excuse. It was my responsibility not to anticipate that something like this could happen. After that I started isolating myself every time I was in depression. Because when I was depressed I tended to manipulate people unconsciously to comfort me. I've done the best I could.

I was wrong. I tried to correct my mistake as best I could. I am no longer that person. And I'm proud to be able to change. It's time for me to forgive myself. I just want peace, to be okay with myself.

I'm going to move on.

 

[AnestheticVoid]

Sex is overrated.

 

[edu0z]

Sex is overrated.

Say it to the voices in my head.

 

[Pluto]

I'm in the same boat. Sexuality is my Achille's Heel because so much else in life - socialising, fitting in with society, mental health, cohabitation, financial security, family, etc. - normally hinges upon taking it for granted.

I was tormented by my sisters in childhood and carry the same deeply-visceral impression that all women despise all men. It cannot be intellectually wished away despite being obviously a dubious belief. Worse, a lot of media seems to perpetuate the same myth and it also becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in daily life.

When I was with my ex - who was in a similar situation - I handled the situation badly and ended up just avoiding the topic of intimacy. It reached a stage where she felt rejected, and I actually hurt her by being so aloof. The outcome would have been different if we'd had some sort of relationship counselling, but we were both always broke.

It's important to have some sort of support and understanding, as the situation can feel like a very toxic burden to carry alone. But I feel like a hypocrite because I'm way too ashamed to do so myself. You're certainly not alone.

 

[CameronFrye]

I've done the best I could.

I was wrong. I tried to correct my mistake as best I could. I am no longer that person. And I'm proud to be able to change. It's time for me to forgive myself. I just want peace, to be okay with myself.

I'm going to move on.

This part is the key right here and it shows you are a genuinely good person capable of moving forward. You understand and acknowledge you're mistakes, and want to be better. That's the first steps and further than a lot of people ever get.

I've hurt others in the romantic sense as well in my past. Never physically, which is always inexcusable, but emotionally. I led them on because it felt good to be seen and wanted, but then hurt them when it became too overwhelming.

And then there is my ex-girlfriend of almost 4 years. When we first started dating she thought the world of me. She wanted to move in together, get married, and spend the rest of our lives together. I promised that, and that I'd always be there to love and support her.

But over time life circumstances and my mental illness took hold of me, and I began to neglect her emotionally. I was never physically or verbally abusive, but I became distant and a shell of my former self. I stopped being the supportive, loving person she deserved. I wasn't present, and was living in my head. I knew I was sabotaging the relationship and hurting her, but the depression kept pulling me deeper. I made her cry all the times when I said I wanted to be alone and done with our relationship, but she kept fighting for me. I caused her so much pain as I'd agree to keep trying, and go from overly attached back to completely distant.

She eventually figured out how to find happiness on her own, and I can't blame her. I'm happy she found what she deserved, but it hurts that it couldn't be with me.

I often feel like a terrible, worthless person, as a result of the pain I caused her. But I want to be better. I now know I need to be 100% open and honest with everyone. And I know that I can only be in a relationship if I get better and become emotionally and mentally stable. I'm not sure if that day will come, but I know I won't hurt anyone like I hurt her again.

 

[summers]

Sex is overrated.

Not really. Maybe if it's truly just a hookup. But even as friends, sex let's you be much closer and intimate than you will ever be otherwise.

Sex doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship or exclusive, just that you enjoy being with someone and making them feel good.

 

[ClaudeKersey]

Not really. Maybe if it's truly just a hookup. But even as friends, sex let's you be much closer and intimate than you will ever be otherwise.

Sex doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship or exclusive, just that you enjoy being with someone and making them feel good.

Agreed.

Edu0z, thanks for sharing this part of your life. It is not easy to confess anything, especially such an intimate part.

 

[WhiteDespair]

gotta say, you guys are impressing me. not easy to come to terms with that.

 

[edu0z]

I was tormented by my sisters in childhood and carry the same deeply-visceral impression that all women despise all men. It cannot be intellectually wished away despite being obviously a dubious belief. Worse, a lot of media seems to perpetuate the same myth and it also becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in daily life.

It is a belief submerged in our subconscious. Sometimes I have the doubt of whether there really is that culture of hatred of man in the media, or if it is really me who perceives it that way from my mental filter... but yes, many times I feel very sad when I see on television or on youtube women saying that they want the "extinction of the male race" or things like that. It didn't happen to me before, but I guess the trauma of hating myself has gotten worse over the years and now I take that kind of nonsense personally... Thank you for sharing it friend, it's something I haven't told anyone and I'm glad I did it with you.

This part is the key right here and it shows you are a genuinely good person capable of moving forward. You understand and acknowledge you're mistakes, and want to be better. That's the first steps and further than a lot of people ever get.

Thank you... I really needed to hear it.

I often feel like a terrible, worthless person, as a result of the pain I caused her. But I want to be better. I now know I need to be 100% open and honest with everyone. And I know that I can only be in a relationship if I get better and become emotionally and mentally stable. I'm not sure if that day will come, but I know I won't hurt anyone like I hurt her again.

We all need love, and to feel loved.... when you are in a depressive state, it becomes very difficult to get out of your inner world and think about others... I think you are also a good person.

I want to stop torturing myself. But what I've learned from my past mistakes I'll never forget and it's helped me to be a better person and not make those mistakes again with anyone else.

I think that to be in a healthy relationship with someone else, we must have something to contribute... and for this we must first be emotionally and mentally stable.

That's why I want to move on. To be able to achieve peace and mental stability, create a life and find people with whom we can contribute things to each other.