Venting Confession

[yeti]

Sorry for my bad English.

I have to confess. This guilt is killing me.

I lost my dad 4 months ago. I took him to hospital. He was admitted to ICU. He was in severe pain due to urine catherer. When I was near his bed , he pointed at it and did not want it. I asked doctor to remove it.

Doctor declined and said only option is to hand restrained him. So he won't pull the tube or take discharge. I asked my dad if he wants to go home . He said yes , nodded his head. I took discharge.

After discharge while was still in hospital his condition deteriote, I rushed back to icu asking for help. They said he is having heart attack. Tried to revive him but could not.


I am now feeling guilty that I should not discharged him.

Also I think doctor killed him during revive by hitting his chest too hard because they were not happy with my initial decision of discharge.

I have trauma and ptsd. I cant forgive myself . I cant do anything against the hospital also.

I feel guilt , shame , disappointed, angry and in grief. Cant get out of bed or work. I am totally devastated. I feel like I need to ctb as part of my repentance.


I am sorry papa. I am sorry God.

 

[TheCyberian]

I'm sorry you lost your father. That's a devastating experience that breaks even the strongest people, and the pain and guilt you feel is understandable.

Just please know that it's not your fault. You couldn't have known how his condition was going to change and you did everything you could by rushing him back to the hospital. I'm not a pro-lifer by any means, but I really think you should talk to a grief counselor before considering ctb.

 

[hendry]

I'm sorry for your loss. Now your father rests from his illnesses. You acted with good will. Your father agreed to discharge. It's hard over time you can forgive yourself (if there's something to forgive).

 

[yeti]

I'm sorry you lost your father. That's a devastating experience that breaks even the strongest people, and the pain and guilt you feel is understandable.

Just please know that it's not your fault. You couldn't have known how his condition was going to change and you did everything you could by rushing him back to the hospital. I'm not a pro-lifer by any means, but I really think you should talk to a grief counselor before considering ctb.

Thank you for your kind words. I spoke with couple of counselors however it's not helping. I may not be 100% at fault but still to some extent yes it was my fault.

When ever I close my eyes I see myself at ICU with dad . My mind is not able to leave that place. I used to think I have a very strong mind and heart but I was wrong. I am completely broken.

I see him and can feel his pain. Oh God, so much pain . My hands and legs feels lifeless, cold and shivers. I feel like a failure , a big one.

I am just hanging in here , thinking if giving up my life will make any diff. Only it will help me to get over this feeling of guilt and i can have some peace. I dont know how can I live with these haunting memories.

I'm sorry for your loss. Now your father rests from his illnesses. You acted with good will. Your father agreed to discharge. It's hard over time you can forgive yourself (if there's something to forgive).

Thank you for your kind words. I am trying my best however these mixed emotions of guilt and grief are eating me day and night.

Sad thing is when I try to remember my papa I recall these haunting memories . I cant even grief , I start panicking and feeling restless.

I will try my level best to forgive myself however it's not easy. If I cant , giving my life is the only option.

 

[GasMonkey]

How old was he?

 

[Nightbird]

Darling yeti - I'm so sorry. It's torture to watch a loved one suffer, and so painful to make sense of a sudden loss. Of course you have trauma in light of such upsetting experiences. I would implore you to - any way you can - please let yourself off the hook. You didn't harm your father or have a hand in ending his life. Quite the opposite - you saw to his care and sought help when he needed it. You comforted him. You supported his choice to be discharged. No one could have anticipated the heart attack that followed, from which his body was too compromised to recover. This unfortunate outcome is nothing to do with you or your actions. Grieve him, yes - but please don't feel guilty

 

[yeti]

How old was he?

Hi gasmonkey , he was 57.

Darling yeti - I'm so sorry. It's torture to watch a loved one suffer, and so painful to make sense of a sudden loss. Of course you have trauma in light of such upsetting experiences. I would implore you to - any way you can - please let yourself off the hook. You didn't harm your father or have a hand in ending his life. Quite the opposite - you saw to his care and sought help when he needed it. You comforted him. You supported his choice to be discharged. No one could have anticipated the heart attack that followed, from which his body was too compromised to recover. This unfortunate outcome is nothing to do with you or your actions. Grieve him, yes - but please don't feel guilty

Thank you nightbird for your kind words . Yes , I was trying my level best to comfort him. And to reduce his pain. However I failed. I was not prepared for such circumstances.

I am trying to forgive myself but it's too hard. This trauma is too much to handle , whole day and night I keep on thinking about it. When this pain becomes unbearable then I feel like ctb is the only option for my peace.

Life is so unpredictable. I will try for some more time to come out of it. If not then I won't be able to live a normal life and my only option would be to ctb.

 

[makethepainstop]

Sorry for my bad English.

I have to confess. This guilt is killing me.

I lost my dad 4 months ago. I took him to hospital. He was admitted to ICU. He was in severe pain due to urine catherer. When I was near his bed , he pointed at it and did not want it. I asked doctor to remove it.

Doctor declined and said only option is to hand restrained him. So he won't pull the tube or take discharge. I asked my dad if he wants to go home . He said yes , nodded his head. I took discharge.

After discharge while was still in hospital his condition deteriote, I rushed back to icu asking for help. They said he is having heart attack. Tried to revive him but could not.


I am now feeling guilty that I should not discharged him.

Also I think doctor killed him during revive by hitting his chest too hard because they were not happy with my initial decision of discharge.

I have trauma and ptsd. I cant forgive myself . I cant do anything against the hospital also.

I feel guilt , shame , disappointed, angry and in grief. Cant get out of bed or work. I am totally devastated. I feel like I need to ctb as part of my repentance.


I am sorry papa. I am sorry God.

You must understand his death was not your fault. If a parent asked me to do something for them, even leaving a hospital against doctors advice, WE ARE GOING HOME!

 

[Shivali]

You are not to blame. Please be gentle to yourself ...

 

[FuneralCry]

What you are going through must be so painful and hard to deal with. It really is such a cruel existence but I wish you the best.

 

[Huntfish34]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this, I can't imagine. But please rest assured that he is in a Better place.

Angels East, Angels West, please protect and guard him while he is at rest. Amen ♥

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry, that is probably stupid as Fck. .. I picked it up from a movie awhile back and Always seemed to like/appreciate it. Take care if. possible. ♥

 

[makethepainstop]

When my mom was dying of lung cancer, she gave me instructions to pull the plug if there was no reason to keep her on life support. (Mom knew my sister was too weak to do the job). The time came she was unconscious, so I did as she asked, and the doctors agreed with the choice. So, should I feel bad that I carried out a parent's last request? Not a chance, Mom said I want, and as a good son, I said can do. (Damn sure did not like watching her expire), it was only minutes once life support was terminated. Good kids should always honor a parent's requests unless the parent is too incompetent or mentally ill to make correct logical choices.
So you did as your dad asked, you need have to guilt or feeling of shame. Much love to you.