Conclusion... I am autistic. There is no doubt, but Psychiatrist won't listen.

[KlMeNw]

My evidence is as follows....

1. Childhood ADHD
2. Emotional dis-regulation
3. Masking by Cognitive understanding of emotion
4. Difficulty with understanding others emotions and behaviors
5. Severe social anxiety my whole life
6. Severe depression
7. Self-soothing/OCD behaviors
8. Uncomfortable with loud sounds/music
9. Racing thought/Bad multi-tasker
10. High vocabulary
11. Trouble with eye contact

I have searched my whole life for what is wrong with me (i'm 38) and the answer I keep coming back to is that i'm on the spectrum. However when I bring this up with my psychiatrist she says that "No, there is nothing wrong with the hardware, it's the software. Your issues are trauma related."

I agree that i've had trauma, but all mostly due to things that happened because of me being on the spectrum. I'm so fuckin frustrated.

 

[shrek34]

Maybe try a different psychiatrist, some of these people are just useless and cause more harm than good.

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

I am all of the 11 you listed other than being uncomfortable with loud music - sometimes that helps me ignore everything else because it's unavoidable.

It's a shame it took me until my late 20's to join the dots that go back to when I was as young as 5. Not much to do with the info now though - too late in life for anyone to really give a shit. Most people see it as a child's issue and that a lot of the symptoms are you just being immature or unwilling to put in the "effort".

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I understand why you would be so frustrated. I wish you the best.

 

[KlMeNw]

I am all of the 11 you listed other than being uncomfortable with loud music - sometimes that helps me ignore everything else because it's unavoidable.

It's a shame it took me until my late 20's to join the dots that go back to when I was as young as 5. Not much to do with the info now though - too late in life for anyone to really give a shit. Most people see it as a child's issue and that a lot of the symptoms are you just being immature or unwilling to put in the "effort".

Man, i'm sorry you had to go through all the not knowing what the hell is wrong with you crap too. Did validation help you at all?
Also, I stupidly forgot to mention that my son was diagnosed as Autistic at age 2, so evidence point #12 I guess.

 

[Niko66]

Can relate to pretty much all except #8 and #10 as well, but could replace sound with uncomfortable senstivity to touch. I figured I probably have autism and ADHD by my adult years. Like person above said though, I don't know what the use of this info is to me anymore. This would have been good for the people responsible of me when I was a child, but even then I never really had any parenting so truly I can't think of any scenario where it helps me. The people in my life never had the emotional intelligence to be responsible adults for a child with different needs, hell I couldn't even claim they were fit to raise a normal child.

 

[KlMeNw]

Can relate to pretty much all except #8 and #10 as well, but could replace sound with uncomfortable senstivity to touch. I figured I probably have autism and ADHD by my adult years. Like person above said though, I don't know what the use of this info is to me anymore. This would have been good for the people responsible of me when I was a child, but even then I never really had any parenting so truly I can't think of any scenario where it helps me. The people in my life never had the emotional intelligence to be responsible adults for a child with different needs, hell I couldn't even claim they were fit to raise a normal child.

Do you feel that the lack of emotional intelligence by your caregivers effected your emotional intelligence negatively? I ask because my father wasn't really around and my mother wasn't the best parent either.

 

[Niko66]

Do you feel that the lack of emotional intelligence by your caregivers effected your emotional intelligence negatively? I ask because my father wasn't really around and my mother wasn't the best parent either.

Absolutely, struggling with emotional intelligence and understanding others how are we supposed to teach ourselves these things as children? With no resources to draw from.
Much like yours my dad was mostly absent from my life, and my mom was abusive.
Being a child in a vulnerable position (divorce, anxiety, depression, self esteem issues, trouble fitting in, etc) I simply had no idea how to handle any of these things, my parents never tried to teach me and my mom if anything aggravated it constantly blaming us (me and my sister) for her misery and how sick she was of having to take care of us, so lacking any guidance and given a hostile environment I learnt to understand the world as best I could:
"don't bother anyone else with your feelings or they will get mad at you, don't show vulnerability, don't show your emotions, you are different, less capable, worthless, avoid discomfort, avoid risk" etc etc, little seeds planted long ago which were allowed to grow unchecked because of the lack of support and education that more intelligent, nurturing caregivers might have provided.

I had be to be my own guidance and because of my own issues I was a poor fit for figuring things out in the first place, if someone had tried to give me aid with tools to handle the life of someone with plentiful mental health issues I think things could havet turned out at least a little better.

 

[KlMeNw]

Absolutely, struggling with emotional intelligence and understanding others how are we supposed to teach ourselves these things as children? With no resources to draw from.
Much like yours my dad was mostly absent from my life, and my mom was abusive.
Being a child in a vulnerable position (divorce, anxiety, depression, self esteem issues, trouble fitting in, etc) I simply had no idea how to handle any of these things, my parents never tried to teach me and my mom if anything aggravated it constantly blaming us (me and my sister) for her misery and how sick she was of having to take care of us, so lacking any guidance and given a hostile environment I learnt to understand the world as best I could:
"don't bother anyone else with your feelings or they will get mad at you, don't show vulnerability, don't show your emotions, you are different, less capable, worthless, avoid discomfort, avoid risk" etc etc, little seeds planted long ago which were allowed to grow unchecked because of the lack of support and education that more intelligent, nurturing caregivers might have provided.

I had be to be my own guidance and because of my own issues I was a poor fit for figuring things out in the first place, if someone had tried to give me aid with tools to handle the life of someone with plentiful mental health issues I think things could havet turned out at least a little better.

Sucks man, really sucks. Is your sister neurotypical? If so did she turn out better? I ask becasue I have a sister as well (older by 2 years) and she turned out way more stable than me.

 

[Niko66]

Sucks man, really sucks. Is your sister neurotypical? If so did she turn out better? I ask becasue I have a sister as well (older by 2 years) and she turned out way more stable than me.

Guess we have a lot in common haha, 6 years older and yes while I can see the way we grew has effects on her to this day, she's way more well adjusted and content in life than I am.