Hi!
This is my first thread, in which I will expose my situation to whoever is willing to read.
I'm male, 18yo (as my profile name indicates), from Central America.
I was born with Asperger's Syndrome, a mental illness which have conditioned every single aspect of my life.
I don't think that my life was tough, in fact, I was rised by a very caring, loving mother, who supported my with all her effort from the very beginning. I never encountered financial hardship (although my family is lower middle class, I never suffered poverty in any point in my life, although I wasn't raised with luxury, either). I only mentioned my mother because my father didn't involved too much in my upbringing (I rarely talk to him, he just provide money to the household and that's it).
So, why am I here?
Simple: I think I should catch the bus as soon as possible.
The fact that I hadn't a tough life doesn't mean that I'm inmune to suffering.
As said before, Asperger's have conditioned every single aspect of my life.
I was diagnosed with this curse at age 6. I didn't fit in with my peers. I was so weird... I checked every single symptom, like an archetype. I never get along with my classmates throughout ages 7-9, I was constantly ostracized by them and not only them, but my teacher. Afterwards (9 years and a half) I was transefered to another section where my teacher was more supportive (I have to remind the support of my mother during this process, she didn't act early because I didn't spoke about my problems). From age 10 to 12, the beggining of my puberty, my AS became more pronounced. I was a total misfit, the akward weirdo that you make fun of.
It is important to add, that I'm ridiciously perfectionist, and I had a faux superiority complex by getting perfect grades, a form of cope, so to say.
I was completely isolated so my social development, was impaired.
When I entered high school (we start high school at 13 here), my aim was to enter to an elite high school from my country when I turned 15 (the age of admission), in order to bring joy to my family (I was a gifted child, they had great expectations of me). After spending 2 years getting ostracized again, I took the test, and failed.
That was the first time I started to experience suicidal thoughts (I had depressive symptoms before, but not suicidal ideations), I failed, I was a failure. I was already a loser, but that was the drop that filled the glass. I planned my suicide by hanging, conmemorating my failure, the next year, the same day I took the test.
I was sixteen, my grades dropped (from straight As, to Ds and Fs), I never got a girlfriend, my friends usually were engaged in alcohol and sabotaging each other. My life was pointless. September 28th came (the date of my suicide), I failed again. I didn't know much about hanging, the knot wasn't firm and I survived. After my failed suicide, I was invaded my a sentiment of hope, and started improving myself.
At seventeen, there was a major change in me. I was happy and improving everyday, trying to fix my mistakes. My grades raised (not that much, I managed to get a B average at the end of high school, but that was something). I was very sociable, and my social akwardness was dissapearing really quickly. What happened then?
I don't know, but somehow, I ended up worse.
Since my early teens I knew that the mf of my dad had an affair, which resulted in a daughter. My mother realized that and the familiar stability broke. Now she had depression, and my dad is beggining to rely too much on alcohol (he's not an alcoholic, but he's close to it). Then, she (my mom) had a miscarriage (My mom had a really horrible infance, she was literally tortured, physically. Now she began to suffer again).
That didn't affect me too much at the beggining, but then, it began to add up.
January 15th, 2019. I turned eighteen. I was super delusional with my future, until everything started to break. I started having major arguments my father. He was reproaching the fact that he feed me all these years, so I escaped home. I came back just due to lack of money just to realize that he didn't give a crap about my well-being. Two weeks later we had a physical confrontation, and my mom is beginning to hate me (I complain too much about my AS).
This summed with the fact that I'm an unattractive involuntary celibate is making me think that ending my life is reasonable, but I don't know if that's fair, since my life is not as bad as my peers.
Maybe I'm just a cunt (I hope this word is not offensive) and a coward, I don't really know.
What do you think, I would like an honest answer.
This is my first thread, in which I will expose my situation to whoever is willing to read.
I'm male, 18yo (as my profile name indicates), from Central America.
I was born with Asperger's Syndrome, a mental illness which have conditioned every single aspect of my life.
I don't think that my life was tough, in fact, I was rised by a very caring, loving mother, who supported my with all her effort from the very beginning. I never encountered financial hardship (although my family is lower middle class, I never suffered poverty in any point in my life, although I wasn't raised with luxury, either). I only mentioned my mother because my father didn't involved too much in my upbringing (I rarely talk to him, he just provide money to the household and that's it).
So, why am I here?
Simple: I think I should catch the bus as soon as possible.
The fact that I hadn't a tough life doesn't mean that I'm inmune to suffering.
As said before, Asperger's have conditioned every single aspect of my life.
I was diagnosed with this curse at age 6. I didn't fit in with my peers. I was so weird... I checked every single symptom, like an archetype. I never get along with my classmates throughout ages 7-9, I was constantly ostracized by them and not only them, but my teacher. Afterwards (9 years and a half) I was transefered to another section where my teacher was more supportive (I have to remind the support of my mother during this process, she didn't act early because I didn't spoke about my problems). From age 10 to 12, the beggining of my puberty, my AS became more pronounced. I was a total misfit, the akward weirdo that you make fun of.
It is important to add, that I'm ridiciously perfectionist, and I had a faux superiority complex by getting perfect grades, a form of cope, so to say.
I was completely isolated so my social development, was impaired.
When I entered high school (we start high school at 13 here), my aim was to enter to an elite high school from my country when I turned 15 (the age of admission), in order to bring joy to my family (I was a gifted child, they had great expectations of me). After spending 2 years getting ostracized again, I took the test, and failed.
That was the first time I started to experience suicidal thoughts (I had depressive symptoms before, but not suicidal ideations), I failed, I was a failure. I was already a loser, but that was the drop that filled the glass. I planned my suicide by hanging, conmemorating my failure, the next year, the same day I took the test.
I was sixteen, my grades dropped (from straight As, to Ds and Fs), I never got a girlfriend, my friends usually were engaged in alcohol and sabotaging each other. My life was pointless. September 28th came (the date of my suicide), I failed again. I didn't know much about hanging, the knot wasn't firm and I survived. After my failed suicide, I was invaded my a sentiment of hope, and started improving myself.
At seventeen, there was a major change in me. I was happy and improving everyday, trying to fix my mistakes. My grades raised (not that much, I managed to get a B average at the end of high school, but that was something). I was very sociable, and my social akwardness was dissapearing really quickly. What happened then?
I don't know, but somehow, I ended up worse.
Since my early teens I knew that the mf of my dad had an affair, which resulted in a daughter. My mother realized that and the familiar stability broke. Now she had depression, and my dad is beggining to rely too much on alcohol (he's not an alcoholic, but he's close to it). Then, she (my mom) had a miscarriage (My mom had a really horrible infance, she was literally tortured, physically. Now she began to suffer again).
That didn't affect me too much at the beggining, but then, it began to add up.
January 15th, 2019. I turned eighteen. I was super delusional with my future, until everything started to break. I started having major arguments my father. He was reproaching the fact that he feed me all these years, so I escaped home. I came back just due to lack of money just to realize that he didn't give a crap about my well-being. Two weeks later we had a physical confrontation, and my mom is beginning to hate me (I complain too much about my AS).
This summed with the fact that I'm an unattractive involuntary celibate is making me think that ending my life is reasonable, but I don't know if that's fair, since my life is not as bad as my peers.
Maybe I'm just a cunt (I hope this word is not offensive) and a coward, I don't really know.
What do you think, I would like an honest answer.
