From unfortunate accidents, insane amounts of bad luck, daily grind with Graves' disease, remission from cancer, and having gone through heavy medication with Multi Drug resistant tuberculosis, having to leave my fiancé overseas and not being able to get back to her due to Covid and cancer… you think that would be enough..
I was told for over a year by my medical team that it looks like I have lung cancer that is spreading.
They were too worried to do a biopsy as it was unsafe and they thought it would spread it.
Found out it was the Tuberculosis..
I have so much trauma from this..
BUT!
I found the will to reset. I worked 7 days a week to put suicide and defeat out of my mind. Travelled for work and worked some rough conditions to earn enough to get some money together. Paid off a lot of debts. Lived quite miserably.. but then found another partner, bought a very cheap house with a long time friend. And life really did look and feel pleasant. Some people may laugh and say my house is shit, in a gang ridden neighbourhood… but to me, I was finally happy!
Decided to take a risk on a business with that said partner.
Business failed drastically.
Went from having an ideal life, to now in financial ruin.
Over 100k in debt from being in a position of 30k up and finally enjoying life.
And the lease I am locked into means I pay 9k per month and cannot escape it.
I have sold most possessions. I work 60+ hours a week. I am losing money every day.
I have been lumped with two speeding fines this year, 8 parking fines, red light camera fine… you may think I'm an insane driver. But before this year I haven't had an issue since I was 18 when I got a speeding ticket. I'm now 37.
I am about to lose my licence and have fines of over 2k
Smashed the back of my car accidentally too.. I am in such an insane amount of debt just now.
Found a buyer for this business and just today (after they spent three weeks courting it, solicitors involved etc…) they are looking to pull out.
Possibly going to lose the house I bought with a long time friend on 15 years.
Also Lose the friend of 15 years as I've also fucked his plans up and really put him under stress.
My partner and I have not touched each other in several months. We are both so bitter and miserable. We don't talk.
We cannot part ways or get a break from our misery or each other as we are constantly trying to get out of the shit show.
I could go on and on about all the downs and downs of my life.
Friends around me are doing fantastic. All my family are killing it.
Each year brings me more burden, shame, challenges, heartache..
every day I walk up with my rope and noise next to me in bed.
I choke myself most nights to the point of passing out.
Hang the rope over the clothes rack and hold one end in one hand and the noise around my neck.
allow it to tighten then drop it so I fall face down with the noose still tight round my neck.
I am tired of having life taking away whatever gains I make.
I am tired of fighting an uphill scramble that only produces more and more misery.
Just really over it. I have no more to give.
I don't have any one doing anything bad to me. For me, I am literally the most unlucky cunt I know.
Sorry it's a real ramble. I am just a total fuck up and mess. A real fucking loser.
I was told for over a year by my medical team that it looks like I have lung cancer that is spreading.
They were too worried to do a biopsy as it was unsafe and they thought it would spread it.
Found out it was the Tuberculosis..
I have so much trauma from this..
BUT!
I found the will to reset. I worked 7 days a week to put suicide and defeat out of my mind. Travelled for work and worked some rough conditions to earn enough to get some money together. Paid off a lot of debts. Lived quite miserably.. but then found another partner, bought a very cheap house with a long time friend. And life really did look and feel pleasant. Some people may laugh and say my house is shit, in a gang ridden neighbourhood… but to me, I was finally happy!
Decided to take a risk on a business with that said partner.
Business failed drastically.
Went from having an ideal life, to now in financial ruin.
Over 100k in debt from being in a position of 30k up and finally enjoying life.
And the lease I am locked into means I pay 9k per month and cannot escape it.
I have sold most possessions. I work 60+ hours a week. I am losing money every day.
I have been lumped with two speeding fines this year, 8 parking fines, red light camera fine… you may think I'm an insane driver. But before this year I haven't had an issue since I was 18 when I got a speeding ticket. I'm now 37.
I am about to lose my licence and have fines of over 2k
Smashed the back of my car accidentally too.. I am in such an insane amount of debt just now.
Found a buyer for this business and just today (after they spent three weeks courting it, solicitors involved etc…) they are looking to pull out.
Possibly going to lose the house I bought with a long time friend on 15 years.
Also Lose the friend of 15 years as I've also fucked his plans up and really put him under stress.
My partner and I have not touched each other in several months. We are both so bitter and miserable. We don't talk.
We cannot part ways or get a break from our misery or each other as we are constantly trying to get out of the shit show.
I could go on and on about all the downs and downs of my life.
Friends around me are doing fantastic. All my family are killing it.
Each year brings me more burden, shame, challenges, heartache..
every day I walk up with my rope and noise next to me in bed.
I choke myself most nights to the point of passing out.
Hang the rope over the clothes rack and hold one end in one hand and the noise around my neck.
allow it to tighten then drop it so I fall face down with the noose still tight round my neck.
I am tired of having life taking away whatever gains I make.
I am tired of fighting an uphill scramble that only produces more and more misery.
Just really over it. I have no more to give.
I don't have any one doing anything bad to me. For me, I am literally the most unlucky cunt I know.
Sorry it's a real ramble. I am just a total fuck up and mess. A real fucking loser.
