Complicated Feelings and Grieving (I Feel Stuck)

[CentreMid]

It's been a couple of weeks since my ex and I broke things off. I'll be honest, I didn't think she and I could remain friends afterwards, but life is full of surprises, and sometimes those surprises are actually good. We're still not talking as much as we used to, and we're mostly keeping conversation topics to small-talk and light banter, but I'm actually starting to feel glad that she and I are still keeping in contact. For context, my ex wanted to end the relationship becuase she didn't feel ready for a super long-term relationship while I was hoping for just that. It was just a matter of different values and goals, nothing toxic, and given that there are messier ways to break up, I'm glad that this was the way we went, as much as it still sucks.

In the meantime, I've been talking to somebody else recently. I used to have feelings for her a long time ago before my previous relationship (it's been a few years since I had feelings for this other person), but nothing really happened between us because I didn't know if she was LGBTQ+ or just an ally (I still have no idea tbh. Also, I'm a lady myself). I can feel myself feeling something for her again, but I'm hesitant to lean into these feelings this time. I don't know if what I'm feeling towards this other person are my old feelings coming back, or if I'm having rebound feelings.

If it's the former, I'll be more inclined to lean into them since what I'm experiencing would be genuine. However, if it's the latter, I'll need to keep my distance from this other person for a while because rebounds and rebound feelings are messy, and it'll just hurt everyone involved if further indulge myself. I've been the rebound before, and it didn't feel fun, and I don't want to make this other person feel that way. Like I said previously I also still have no idea if she's straight or what, and I feel like it would be a mistake to keep feeling things if she was straight. It'll suck if I have to keep my distance since this other person and I are pretty good friends as well, but I don't want her to be collateral damage as a result of my inability to properly grieve. I'll be honest, I'm feeling a little stuck haha

Anywho, if you've read this far, thank you for reading. Take care.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

The fact that you're even pondering these thoughts is a good sign of self-awareness. You know you're dealing with a difficult emotional situation and you don't want to end up hurting a third party while you sort yourself and your feelings out. I wish more people took the time to consider such things before acting, to be honest.

Now, you didn't ask for advice here, and I apologise if you were simply venting and don't want anyone's input. Feel free to take my suggestion if you find it useful, or leave it. It's all good.

It sounds like you're overthinking the situation a bit. If you and your ex remain friends, then you'll have to go through a period of adjustment while you figure out what friendship looks like between you two, after being together. It's going to be awkward at times, but I can tell you from experience that, if you manage to remain friends with an ex, it can be a really special kind of friendship. Just let things flow with her, and hopefully you two will figure it out with time.

As for the other girl you've been talking to, my suggestion would be along the same lines as above—just let things flow. You need time and some emotional space to sort your feelings out after your breakup, so don't try to figure out any feelings you might be having towards this other girl at the same time. They might be a rebound, or they might be genuine, you don't know that right now. Why not simply enjoy having her around, having someone you can talk to, without having to define what those feelings are, or leaning into them in a specific way? If those feelings are genuine, and she's also romantically interested in you, you'll figure things out with her once you're in a better head space. For now, I think it would be useful to just enjoy some companionship without asking too many questions or trying to turn it into something else. If you're able to get yourself in that mindset, you won't need to keep your distance or anything. You can simply have a friend right now, while you figure things out. Everything else can wait a bit.

 

[CentreMid]

The fact that you're even pondering these thoughts is a good sign of self-awareness. You know you're dealing with a difficult emotional situation and you don't want to end up hurting a third party while you sort yourself and your feelings out. I wish more people took the time to consider such things before acting, to be honest.

Now, you didn't ask for advice here, and I apologise if you were simply venting and don't want anyone's input. Feel free to take my suggestion if you find it useful, or leave it. It's all good.

It sounds like you're overthinking the situation a bit. If you and your ex remain friends, then you'll have to go through a period of adjustment while you figure out what friendship looks like between you two, after being together. It's going to be awkward at times, but I can tell you from experience that, if you manage to remain friends with an ex, it can be a really special kind of friendship. Just let things flow with her, and hopefully you two will figure it out with time.

As for the other girl you've been talking to, my suggestion would be along the same lines as above—just let things flow. You need time and some emotional space to sort your feelings out after your breakup, so don't try to figure out any feelings you might be having towards this other girl at the same time. They might be a rebound, or they might be genuine, you don't know that right now. Why not simply enjoy having her around, having someone you can talk to, without having to define what those feelings are, or leaning into them in a specific way? If those feelings are genuine, and she's also romantically interested in you, you'll figure things out with her once you're in a better head space. For now, I think it would be useful to just enjoy some companionship without asking too many questions or trying to turn it into something else. If you're able to get yourself in that mindset, you won't need to keep your distance or anything. You can simply have a friend right now, while you figure things out. Everything else can wait a bit.

That's actually a really good idea. You're right, I am making things more complicated than they should be. I suppose just letting the chips fall where they may is the best course of action then! Thank you for your insight!