company for the journey

[GirlBye]

Hey guys, I hope everyones doing well. I'm planning on ctb soon, i have just left my home in my car, currently sat in a country park, i have my bbqs in the back, although I've only just realised i don't know what to do about lighting them and putting it in my car..
But I would really appreciate some company while i go, just to talk to, because I'm a little scared but i don't have anything to take that away, all i have is my antidepressants which I'm gonna take to help me go to sleep.
I doubt anyone would have time to actually join me, and i don't want to encourage anyone obviously, but if anybody around the south Yorkshire area would like to join me, i can come get you. But anyway.. i dont know what time to light the bbq and put it in.. i don't want to get majorly warm.. so I'm probably going to wait a while and read a book.
I want to update you as i go too, so hopefully I'll stay concious for a while.. not sure.
Thank you for giving me a space to feel a little bit normal during all of this shit.

 

[SleeplessSoul]

I'm stuck shielding in London, but if you want someone to talk for a bit I'm around. You can PM or just talk on here. I'm really sorry that you've had to make this decision.

 

[Ulisses]

unfortunately this is a lonely journey. here at ss you can at least vent to others to get less heavy. peace on your journey

 

[MotherOfCats]

Unfortunately, I'm near Liverpool so a bit far away. But I'll be here, by your virtual side

 

[GirlBye]

Thanks guys i really appreciate it. I dont think i can pm cause i havent posted enough.. But I'm mainly worried about the people I'm leaving behind, i feel so selfish doing this to them and my family has a lot going on right now anyway without me adding to it as well . I wish i could see the future after I'm gone to make sure they'll be okay. I think once it starts getting a bit colder (why did i pick the hottest day) I'll light them up. I've got two, one large one and a small one so, I'm hoping it won't fail. Thats the only other thing I'm worried about. Either waking up and still just being here and having to deal with the consequences of the lies I've told to get away, or waking up and being fucked because it kinda worked but i was found or something. Those both scare me way more than the actual end.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

Unfortunately, I'm near Liverpool so a bit far away. But I'll be here, by your virtual side

Me too
I hope you find peace you sound a pleasant person. I have thought about finding a partner but I don't want the risks of one backing out the other not and if their mindset flips and they ring emergency on you etc. Alot could go wrong. Good thing about technology is people will be here for you.

 

[MotherOfCats]

Thanks guys i really appreciate it. I dont think i can pm cause i havent posted enough.. But I'm mainly worried about the people I'm leaving behind, i feel so selfish doing this to them and my family has a lot going on right now anyway without me adding to it as well . I wish i could see the future after I'm gone to make sure they'll be okay. I think once it starts getting a bit colder (why did i pick the hottest day) I'll light them up. I've got two, one large one and a small one so, I'm hoping it won't fail. Thats the only other thing I'm worried about. Either waking up and still just being here and having to deal with the consequences of the lies I've told to get away, or waking up and being fucked because it kinda worked but i was found or something. Those both scare me way more than the actual end.

I have the exact same worries, I think most of us do. But my family is strong and, if I think they were being honest to themselves, I have been a burden and source of pain due to my bipolar. I think that ultimately, you can't live a life of horrendous pain and sometimes you have to think about what's right for you.

Being left in a less than desirable state post attempt terrifies me. But living this life for another 60 years terrifies me even more.

 

[GirlBye]

Yeah i feel the same to be honest, i would also be mortified if they managed to ctb and i didn't, like i read an article a while back when i was researching about a man whose wife died due to CO in a tent and he got investigated for her death.. i don't think i could risk going through that and as i said i also don't want to encourage anyone, as at least i know my mind is made up and nothing will change for me but i wouldn't ve sure of anyone elses mindset.

I have the exact same worries, I think most of us do. But my family is strong and, if I think they were being honest to themselves, I have been a burden and source of pain due to my bipolar. I think that ultimately, you can't live a life of horrendous pain and sometimes you have to think about what's right for you.

Being left in a less than desirable state post attempt terrifies me. But living this life for another 60 years terrifies me even more.

I'm sure your family do not see you that way, living with something like bipolar is hard, and I'm sure you've done your best.

Yeah I'm the same. Im almost 28 so if i carried on i could possibly live for at least another 60 years and that just feels like the worst thing,I'm already ready for it to be over.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

Yeah i feel the same to be honest, i would also be mortified if they managed to ctb and i didn't, like i read an article a while back when i was researching about a man whose wife died due to CO in a tent and he got investigated for her death.. i don't think i could risk going through that and as i said i also don't want to encourage anyone, as at least i know my mind is made up and nothing will change for me but i wouldn't ve sure of anyone elses mindset.

I'm sure your family do not see you that way, living with something like bipolar is hard, and I'm sure you've done your best.

Yeah I'm the same. Im almost 28 so if i carried on i could possibly live for at least another 60 years and that just feels like the worst thing,I'm already ready for it to be over.

When I go I'm putting together some podcasts bits and movie clips that really ease my mind do that I can just listen to what I see as positive things whilst dying. It's awful we have to feel so alone in our last moments. A thought that consoles me is it's only the same as the majority of deaths anyway... Like people in care homes with no family, or worse family they've been good to yet when it comes to them needing just an odd visit they won't go out their way.
Believe me I know, probably more than most how overwhelming lonely you can feel. And if you think like me you automatically think nobody else is. And really have to think rationally that in the final moments were all alone. I wish you all the best.

 

[GirlBye]

When I go I'm putting together some podcasts bits and movie clips that really ease my mind do that I can just listen to what I see as positive things whilst dying.

That sounds really nice, such a good idea. I thought about putting together a playlist but haven't had time. Right now i have my two favourite books and a cuddly toy that I've had since i was a baby, these things will help comfort me in those final moments i hope. I've got my favourite foods with me, going to enjoy that while i wait for the bbqs to cool down and such, so I'll hopefully go out semi happy. Which is hilarious because i haven't been happy in so long.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

That sounds really nice, such a good idea. I thought about putting together a playlist but haven't had time. Right now i have my two favourite books and a cuddly toy that I've had since i was a baby, these things will help comfort me in those final moments i hope. I've got my favourite foods with me, going to enjoy that while i wait for the bbqs to cool down and such, so I'll hopefully go out semi happy. Which is hilarious because i haven't been happy in so long.

That's nice. I'm not much of a reader or music listener but the drowsiness point when you're are unable to read would scare me, the same as with me when listening to my mix I become disoriented and misinterpret it or something.
I hope you're just drift away peacefully.
I hope you have a sense of humour here.
Are you bbqing any of your food?

 

[GirlBye]

Hahaha yea i do have a senseof humour, be it a twisted one, which is why that would be kinda funny. But nah I've read that cooking stuff on it can mess with the coals so i have (and i didnt manage to get everything i wanted so I'm a bit sad) some rasberry vienese whirls, some doritos, strawberry laces and a really nice thick milkshake haha. I wanted some sour cream and chive dip but tesco didnt have any.. almost derailed my whole plan because i want it one last time haha.
Managed to find a nice shaded spot now too but its really busy here, everybody's out for their daily excercise. Gonna just wait til it gets quiet so no one tries to interfere.
At least my final view is peaceful

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

Hahaha yea i do have a senseof humour, be it a twisted one, which is why that would be kinda funny. But nah I've read that cooking stuff on it can mess with the coals so i have (and i didnt manage to get everything i wanted so I'm a bit sad) some rasberry vienese whirls, some doritos, strawberry laces and a really nice thick milkshake haha. I wanted some sour cream and chive dip but tesco didnt have any.. almost derailed my whole plan because i want it one last time haha.
Managed to find a nice shaded spot now too but its really busy here, everybody's out for their daily excercise. Gonna just wait til it gets quiet so no one tries to interfere.

If you'd have got the dip the curdling of that mix in your stomach mightve done the job in itself haha. Good choices. I hope you don't go today, don't know you but get the feeling the world will be that bit worse off. But whatever you do find peace.

 

[GirlBye]

Thank you, that's so nice to hear when you don't even really know me. Hopefully i will be at peace soon, still got a few hours to waste though so I'll be here til then.

 

[MotherOfCats]

I LOVE strawberry laces! And I'm a year older than you, definitely not for children! I really hope today goes the way you want it to, it is such a beautiful day. It'd be awesome for it to be my last day.
The photo looks gorgeous, you picked a great spot!

 

[GirlBye]

Yeah the only thing spoiling it is what I've had to do to get here. I basically broke my boyfriends heart and told him it was over just before i left home. Hes been keeping an eye on me for weeks because of past attempts and it was the only way i could go without telling him what i intend to do. The sour note of my last day on earth.

 

[MotherOfCats]

Damn, that's rough. Are you going to leave him a note to tell him you still love him?

 

[GirlBye]

I don't know if that's a good idea. I just want him to be able to move on from this, and i thought that breaking it off would at least mean he wouldn't feel responsible, as previously he's told me that if i did anything he would blame himself and that isn't what i want for him. I am currently trying to write notes for him and my family. But the words are so hard.. what can i say to them except I'm sorry but I'm just not strong enough to live through this shit anymore.

 

[MotherOfCats]

I hope I don't sound insensitive, but I think he's going to feel responsible anyway. Everyone and their aunt feels a little responsibility after a suicide, even if they're just a casual coworker. But maybe you're right and I'm wrong? You've got to do what feels right to you, I just feel awful for the both of you. I guess it's a messy situation however you look at it. Have you managed to write any of it yet? Every time I try to write mine, I just well up. I figure I'll just write it when the SN arrives!

 

[GirlBye]

Nah you don't sound insensitive at all, you're probably right, but i didn't know what else to do.
I'm trying but having trouble with the words, I've written I'm sorry at least five times but i just draw blank when i try to write anything of substance.

 

[overandout]

Maybe if you can't find the words. Just explain that you are unable to put this into words why you are making this decision. So much to say but don't know how to write it.

 

[MotherOfCats]

I guess I'd like to make it clear that it's no one else's fault, and that without them I would've done it sooner. Try to explain my mindset a little, talk a little about how painful daily life is and how I feel like I'm ruining everyone else's life (even though they're too kind to ever admit that, even subconsciously). I'd want them to try and take some solace in knowing I'm not in pain anymore.

Shit, I guess I'm just writing my own now! Lol. I can write what I want, but I suppose it has to come from your heart. Maybe you can relate to some of it and use it to get a start. Maybe not! Haha

 

[GirlBye]

I just got moved away from my spot cause the parks closed. I don't know where to go now, part of me just wants to go home and hug my boyfriend and tell him everythings okay.
But that's great advice for my notes thank you, I'll definitely be using a bit of it for inspiration. To be honest thats the main point i want to cover, that theres nothing any of them could have done, I'd made my mind up and made my peace with what i needed to do. I don't actually have any proper paper with me, so I'm writing it on my phone, i hope they find them.

 

[MotherOfCats]

And you can absolutely go home to him, if you have any doubts at all then do it. You've had your strawberry laces and had a lovely day in the sun, the day's been a win in my books.
Let me know what you plan to do

 

[GirlBye]

The issue I'm having is theres so many people around where i am at the moment that i dont think I'll get enough time to do what i need to without someone interfering.
I am now mortified i just had some random guy ask if i was dogging. What the hell is wrong with people give a girl a break .

 

[MotherOfCats]

Oh God haha! How mortifying!
Could you go anywhere else at such short notice? I'm not familiar with your method so I don't know how long it takes.

 

[GirlBye]

Yeah i have one more place i can go, on my way there now, it should take about half and hour to an hour to set up, because i have to let the bbq go all white and wait for flames to go out and for it to be a little bit cooler. Then i can put it in the back of the car and with any luck I'll be gone within an hour if that. But I'll probably be unconscious before that, most people have said they black out after about 10 minutes . It seems like one of the more peaceful ways to go, which is why i chose it.

 

[MotherOfCats]

At least the days are a little longer now, so you should have light until nearly 9. What's the new place like? Similarly wooded?
Sounds like a peaceful method, and reasonably quick. Let me know when you arrive.
I'm in the middle of a particularly dark episode at the moment and my other half is trying to get me to participate in a Zoom pub quiz tonight. Not happening

 

[GirlBye]

Yeah its pretty similar, i just got there, its not far from my home either, the other place was a little further away.. but at least this place seems a lot less busy. i can hear the birds which makes it quite nice and tranquil .
Sorry to hear your having a rough time, anything you'd like to chat about? Oo a pub quiz sounds like fun, maybe doing it would help you get out of the bad headspace?
we did one every Saturday with some friends the last few weeks but we lost miserably last time so i kinda gave up.

 

[MotherOfCats]

Oh less busy is definitely better, don't want to be found half way through or (even worse) accused of dogging!!
Nothing to really talk about, on the face of it I have a great life. I own my own home, I'm a scientist in a revered job and have a supportive family and fiancé. I'm just not happy and can't remember the last time I was. Went through a tough time this time last year, tried to cbt and was found so ended up spending a week in ICU then another two weeks in the psych ward. Guess it's just caught up with me.
I probably should participate, you're right. It's just the thought of putting on a brave face is making me think twice.

Ive just realised I'm talking all about myself, so selfish! What about you, do you want to talk about how you ended up here?