Story (Community Spirit) what's your story? Here's mine

[soulreaper]

My dad left when I was like 4, after that my mums 2 boyfriends would beat her badly on a regular basis, she is deaf in 1 ear from how hard he hit her,
By the time I was 12 I was a drug addict taking weed, cocaine, amphetamine, ecstasy,
One day when I was like 16 me and my friends got hold of some magic mushrooms and decided to take them.... Ended up going to an abandoned house party in the middle of the forest... I was already a shy person and I think being on the mushrooms surrounded by people I didn't know in a freaky forest in the middle of the night fucked me up....
I had a bad trip and I was never the same after that, this is the reason for me wanting to die.
I never went to a doctor or anything for help, I just figured that because I took psychedelics the damage is permanent. It's like I can't focus my mind always wanders off.... Like when you're day dreaming... Like I'm dreaming with my eyes open and all the thoughts are so fast and I can't control them, I have to blink alot to keep focus. Hard to even explain properly what it is, This affects every part of my life.... I'm scared of being in places with lots of people, I hate even going outside at all, it affects everything....
Even being on the train I can't sit down with someone sitting across from me I freak out cuz I can't focus and look "normal" I have to stand up near the door and just look away.
Just constant paranoia and anxiety, I'm too scared to even go seek help and talk to anyone.... This is the first time I've ever even spoke about what's wrong with me,
Tried to kill myself 2 times before but didn't get put in a psychiatric ward they let me leave hospital on my own, maybe it would have been good if they did put me in psyche ward I don't know I'll never know,
This year the same day the virus started happening in London me and my girlfriend received an eviction letter saying we had to move out as our landlord was illegally sub letting etc, then 2 weeks after I got set up at work by some idiot and got suspended me and 3 other chefs all got set up by the same person and got suspended including my best friend we worked together , we ended up moving out to a smaller cheaper place as I was suspended and didn't want to risk getting a flat of our own which is what we were planning right up until I got suspended we even put offers in for flats together,
Roughly 4 weeks ago after my disciplinary meetings etc I got fired, a place I had worked for 9 years, I had 100% attendance record in those 9 years, I won 2 cooking competitions there and was employee of the month just before the virus hit, all 4 of us got fired, then my best friend who got fired there so he decided to move to Germany as he was depressed like me especially after this virus stuff a d getting fired with me, and now I have no true friends left here at all.
Then 2 weeks ago my Gf broke up with me, we are still living together now but not together and I really can't take this shit anymore, I've always wanted to die since I had that bad trip when I was 16, I'm 35 now 36 in September,
Even if I won the lottery right now I would still want to die... I can never get back the person I was before
And that is something that will always be there, I used to dream about being "normal" that my mind went back to how it was and it felt so real I would wake up then few seconds later I would realise I'm still this fucked up in the head me </3

 

[eternalappraiser]

I've always wanted to be normal too, however I believe my problems stem from inherited mental illness and somewhat nurture rather than a bad trip (I have a faint hope that tripping in the future would "fix" me). I have an atypical brain (autism and adhd, if you buy into western psychiatric diagnoses) and I am also transgender, MtF. I wasn't allowed to transition when I was younger due to my homophobic and transphobic family/surroundings, though I am now that I have been permanently disfigured from male puberty. I also wasn't diagnosed with autism or anything as a child, so I never had any help there.

I want to ctb because I can never have the only thing I have ever wanted (to be female), only a close approximation (after suffering, lifelong medication, and expensive surgeries), when 99% of the population doesn't have to deal with such. I also hate my different brain, I've never once felt as though I belonged or that I was even human like everyone else. My hope used to be that if I died I could be reincarnated as a woman, but now reincarnation is my one fear with ctb'ing.

(I'm not trying to say that women have better lives because I know that they don't, and historically haven't, however the fact that I am not one causes me intense emotional duress.)

 

[mellow]

hey I feel for you, I'm here because I went to a psych ward and they injected me with an antipsychotic drug that fried my brain. to me you're lucky you didn't get sectioned. I know the feeling of dreaming I have my old brain and waking up to a damaged brain that doesn't work :(

I'm too scared to even go seek help and talk to anyone.... This is the first time I've ever even spoke about what's wrong with me,

i think you shouldn't assume your situation is hopeless without seeking help. you've been smart to distrust psychiatrists and pharmaceutical meds, but there are many alternative therapies out there like regression therapy... it costs money but I wonder if it could help you to regress back to that night and re-experience it in a safe supervised setting, could be healing to process it with someone ? you could try psilocybin- or MDMA- or ketamine-assisted psychotherapy. also there must be people in your situation who did things that worked for them, maybe go on Bluelight forums and ask ?

PM me if you want <3