Have you tried seeing a therapist or some other professional about it? I don't know if that's even an option for you but maybe you have a better way to handle it first before you ctb
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, rape is never the fault of the person assaulted. Is there anyone you can talk to about it? It could be someone you know (friends/family/Dr) or there are free helplines you can call, or even the police if you feel safe to do that. It may be painful to talk, but in my experience it can help you realise that recovery is achievable.
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