I agree it's very hard. Ieven don't know if it is always SI. Some times it seems to me that its like a sort of distance to my proper will. Like if the problem that i have all my life long (not feeling myself, not feeling or knowing what i want, not to have an identitity, not knowing me), this kind of distance to myself, would hinder me to ctb. I was two times standing at the edge at a place where i just would have had to jump. One second of decision and i would now be where i wanted to go, no more thinking around about methods, sense of ctb and all that stuff. i once was so convinced and forced to do it, that i bought a big knife, the plan was to stab it in my heart or my cartoid artery. Next try was partial. I'm still here. I regret this. I really wanted to die, i didn't do it, i even don't know if these tries can be called tries. It doesn't feel as it would have been SI. It felt more like distance to what i wanted to do, to my own will. Sometimes i also ask myself if its because of the others that i didn't do it. Questions like "what will friends, people that know me think?", "some people will have problems or stress because of what i am doing". I don't know, but i can confirm that it is very difficult. Idk but i am quite sure that i wanted to die. The reason for that i didn't do it finally, was surely not that i didn't want it to do. i know am less convinced about if i will be able to do it but nevertheless i am looking forward to my next try (or whatever you wanna call it).
i wish us all luck in everything we want to achieve.
