Comments on my issues

[just_a_guy]

This is a list of points I've outlined to organise my thoughts and try to communicate to my gf what's going on in my head. I would appreciate any comments or insight.

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• When I've told people that I've never had a one night stand or hooked up with a stranger, the response was disbelief. It made me feel like that's what a man does, making me feel like less of a man.

• I've missed out or chosen to not attend certain things out of social anxiety or lack of money (prom / matric farewell, camps, university, hang outs, parties, festivals, experiences). It feels like casual sex is one of those things I missed out on. It feels like everyone has at least one story about that but I'm on the sidelines watching everyone live life. Maybe it's just not who I am, but if that's true, why does it bother me so much? I'm not sure why, but I hate that about me. It makes me want to hurt myself in the moment. Maybe it's about just wanting to feel normal.

• I don't understand how people have sex with a stranger. When I think about it, my brain just kind of shuts down, just to get away from those thoughts.

• I hate having these issues. It makes me feel weak, and I feel like I shouldn't talk about them because you might see me as less, annoying, or a problem that isn't worth it, and I'll fuck things up by being this damaged person.

• My issues have always been seen as a problem, an inconvenience, or just ignored. It feels better to keep it in than to add more problems to someone else's life, or for them to see my pain and judge me for it, get annoyed, or to throw it in my face later.

• The life I haven't lived reminds me of the control I gave up, trying to make my ex wife happy for years. I had parameters I had to conform to. My curious side was "weird", I couldn't be too loud or act too silly.

• The control I gave up then makes me wonder why I hated myself from such a young age and why I've always prioritised other people's happiness over mine. That takes me back to being abandoned by my father, wondering if that hate for myself stems from abandonment ... thinking I'm not enough... if I'm not enough, I must be shit. That's the logic I go through even though I know I am not my father's actions.

• So basically, I think there must be some jealousy or resentment that I have for experiences I never had, and it's not stuff I can fix or go back and redo. I'm stuck in this loop of trying to make peace with who I am and the decisions I've made, and being caught in this loop of self hatred and anger for a wasted life. During this constant storm, I see death as the only logical option.

 

[Dot]

Sme ppl r ok wth hk-ups & othr ppl d/ nt wnt thm

Thre = absoltly nothng wrng wth nt wantng casul sx - plnty of slf-respctng ppl d/ nt hve casul sx as prt of thr valu systm & wld rathr sve tht fr relatnshp

Ppl reactng neg8tvly 2 u tellng thm tht only shws 1) thr own valu systm & 2) tht thy r nt mture enuf t/ respct urs

Am nt judgng ppl wh/ dcide 2 hve casul sx bt d/ nt cheapn urslf or ur own valus jst bcse of jdgemnt of othr

In tht rgard thre = nothng whch nds fixng & u r free 2 chse whchevr lfe-styl u wnt fr urslf

 

[TBONTB]

This is a list of points I've outlined to organise my thoughts and try to communicate to my gf what's going on in my head. I would appreciate any comments or insight.

------------------------------------------------------------

• When I've told people that I've never had a one night stand or hooked up with a stranger, the response was disbelief. It made me feel like that's what a man does, making me feel like less of a man.

• I've missed out or chosen to not attend certain things out of social anxiety or lack of money (prom / matric farewell, camps, university, hang outs, parties, festivals, experiences). It feels like casual sex is one of those things I missed out on. It feels like everyone has at least one story about that but I'm on the sidelines watching everyone live life. Maybe it's just not who I am, but if that's true, why does it bother me so much? I'm not sure why, but I hate that about me. It makes me want to hurt myself in the moment. Maybe it's about just wanting to feel normal.

• I don't understand how people have sex with a stranger. When I think about it, my brain just kind of shuts down, just to get away from those thoughts.

• I hate having these issues. It makes me feel weak, and I feel like I shouldn't talk about them because you might see me as less, annoying, or a problem that isn't worth it, and I'll fuck things up by being this damaged person.

• My issues have always been seen as a problem, an inconvenience, or just ignored. It feels better to keep it in than to add more problems to someone else's life, or for them to see my pain and judge me for it, get annoyed, or to throw it in my face later.

• The life I haven't lived reminds me of the control I gave up, trying to make my ex wife happy for years. I had parameters I had to conform to. My curious side was "weird", I couldn't be too loud or act too silly.

• The control I gave up then makes me wonder why I hated myself from such a young age and why I've always prioritised other people's happiness over mine. That takes me back to being abandoned by my father, wondering if that hate for myself stems from abandonment ... thinking I'm not enough... if I'm not enough, I must be shit. That's the logic I go through even though I know I am not my father's actions.

• So basically, I think there must be some jealousy or resentment that I have for experiences I never had, and it's not stuff I can fix or go back and redo. I'm stuck in this loop of trying to make peace with who I am and the decisions I've made, and being caught in this loop of self hatred and anger for a wasted life. During this constant storm, I see death as the only logical option.

There is nothing at all wrong with a person who wants sex to be between people who care about each other. That shows you are emotionally developed, not the opposite. That's a good thing!

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

There is nothing at all wrong with a person who wants sex to be between people who care about each other. That shows you are emotionally developed, not the opposite. That's a good thing!

Can we not imply that people who don't view sex in this way aren't emotionally developed? That's kind of insulting. And blatantly false.

Yes there is nothing wrong with wanting sex to between people who care about each other. At all. Ever. Sex between people who have that deep bond just hits different.

There is nothing wrong with the opposite either. Humans are complicated. Needs are complicated and they are fluid.

Humans need to stop trying to police each other's bodies and then trying to tear each other down when they express their autonomy. And need to stop with their stupid moral judgements.

Sex is fun. It feels good. It produces chemicals that are beneficial for mood and a whole host of other things. It doesn't need to be this sacred act all the time. That's puritanical religion talking and no one has time for that stupid crap.

That being said, OP. Casual sex can get very boring. And empty very quickly if what you are looking for is a deeper, more meaningful connection. If that's what you want, casual sex will only fill the void temporarily.

I would not recommend casual sex if you have any hang ups. In my experience, poor casual encounters only exacerbate the feelings of emptiness. And make the longing for something more even more painful.

I say only go for casual sex if you are in a good, self secure head space. Where you are just in it for the fun/need of being physical with another human. And make sure you talk first. Don't just jump into an encounter. Figure out if that person is someone you want to share your body briefly with.

You deserve to have whatever version of this you need. If you need casual, plenty of people out there for that. If you need deep and meaningful, that is harder to find, but not impossible. It just takes more effort than door dashing for hole lmao.

 

[Ligottian]

Never tell anyone about your sexual inexperience. It can leave you vulnerable to the kind of mockery and ridicule that can scar for life. Lie if you must. I found out this the hard way in my youth decades ago.

 

[TBONTB]

Can we not imply that people who don't view sex in this way aren't emotionally developed? That's kind of insulting. And blatantly false.

Yes there is nothing wrong with wanting sex to between people who care about each other. At all. Ever. Sex between people who have that deep bond just hits different.

There is nothing wrong with the opposite either. Humans are complicated. Needs are complicated and they are fluid.

Humans need to stop trying to police each other's bodies and then trying to tear each other down when they express their autonomy. And need to stop with their stupid moral judgements.

Sex is fun. It feels good. It produces chemicals that are beneficial for mood and a whole host of other things. It doesn't need to be this sacred act all the time. That's puritanical religion talking and no one has time for that stupid crap.

That being said, OP. Casual sex can get very boring. And empty very quickly if what you are looking for is a deeper, more meaningful connection. If that's what you want, casual sex will only fill the void temporarily.

I would not recommend casual sex if you have any hang ups. In my experience, poor casual encounters only exacerbate the feelings of emptiness. And make the longing for something more even more painful.

I say only go for casual sex if you are in a good, self secure head space. Where you are just in it for the fun/need of being physical with another human. And make sure you talk first. Don't just jump into an encounter. Figure out if that person is someone you want to share your body briefly with.

You deserve to have whatever version of this you need. If you need casual, plenty of people out there for that. If you need deep and meaningful, that is harder to find, but not impossible. It just takes more effort than door dashing for hole lmao.

Well said

 

[Branch1277]

Hey mate.

I wouldn't take not having casual hookups with strangers as anything to be missing out on.

Speaking as someone who spent quite a lot of time going clubbing on the weekends/getting high/drunk ect ect.... I used to fuck anything that moved around me.

The amount of times I looked back on that fondly were very rare. And the times I do remember were often hookups with people I happened to really like on first impression; but they were only after a root with no strings attached.

I don't think you are missing much. You have a gf. That's a positive. Small steps buddy.