just_a_guy
thispersondoesnotexist
- Oct 27, 2023
- 155
This is a list of points I've outlined to organise my thoughts and try to communicate to my gf what's going on in my head. I would appreciate any comments or insight.
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• When I've told people that I've never had a one night stand or hooked up with a stranger, the response was disbelief. It made me feel like that's what a man does, making me feel like less of a man.
• I've missed out or chosen to not attend certain things out of social anxiety or lack of money (prom / matric farewell, camps, university, hang outs, parties, festivals, experiences). It feels like casual sex is one of those things I missed out on. It feels like everyone has at least one story about that but I'm on the sidelines watching everyone live life. Maybe it's just not who I am, but if that's true, why does it bother me so much? I'm not sure why, but I hate that about me. It makes me want to hurt myself in the moment. Maybe it's about just wanting to feel normal.
• I don't understand how people have sex with a stranger. When I think about it, my brain just kind of shuts down, just to get away from those thoughts.
• I hate having these issues. It makes me feel weak, and I feel like I shouldn't talk about them because you might see me as less, annoying, or a problem that isn't worth it, and I'll fuck things up by being this damaged person.
• My issues have always been seen as a problem, an inconvenience, or just ignored. It feels better to keep it in than to add more problems to someone else's life, or for them to see my pain and judge me for it, get annoyed, or to throw it in my face later.
• The life I haven't lived reminds me of the control I gave up, trying to make my ex wife happy for years. I had parameters I had to conform to. My curious side was "weird", I couldn't be too loud or act too silly.
• The control I gave up then makes me wonder why I hated myself from such a young age and why I've always prioritised other people's happiness over mine. That takes me back to being abandoned by my father, wondering if that hate for myself stems from abandonment ... thinking I'm not enough... if I'm not enough, I must be shit. That's the logic I go through even though I know I am not my father's actions.
• So basically, I think there must be some jealousy or resentment that I have for experiences I never had, and it's not stuff I can fix or go back and redo. I'm stuck in this loop of trying to make peace with who I am and the decisions I've made, and being caught in this loop of self hatred and anger for a wasted life. During this constant storm, I see death as the only logical option.
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• When I've told people that I've never had a one night stand or hooked up with a stranger, the response was disbelief. It made me feel like that's what a man does, making me feel like less of a man.
• I've missed out or chosen to not attend certain things out of social anxiety or lack of money (prom / matric farewell, camps, university, hang outs, parties, festivals, experiences). It feels like casual sex is one of those things I missed out on. It feels like everyone has at least one story about that but I'm on the sidelines watching everyone live life. Maybe it's just not who I am, but if that's true, why does it bother me so much? I'm not sure why, but I hate that about me. It makes me want to hurt myself in the moment. Maybe it's about just wanting to feel normal.
• I don't understand how people have sex with a stranger. When I think about it, my brain just kind of shuts down, just to get away from those thoughts.
• I hate having these issues. It makes me feel weak, and I feel like I shouldn't talk about them because you might see me as less, annoying, or a problem that isn't worth it, and I'll fuck things up by being this damaged person.
• My issues have always been seen as a problem, an inconvenience, or just ignored. It feels better to keep it in than to add more problems to someone else's life, or for them to see my pain and judge me for it, get annoyed, or to throw it in my face later.
• The life I haven't lived reminds me of the control I gave up, trying to make my ex wife happy for years. I had parameters I had to conform to. My curious side was "weird", I couldn't be too loud or act too silly.
• The control I gave up then makes me wonder why I hated myself from such a young age and why I've always prioritised other people's happiness over mine. That takes me back to being abandoned by my father, wondering if that hate for myself stems from abandonment ... thinking I'm not enough... if I'm not enough, I must be shit. That's the logic I go through even though I know I am not my father's actions.
• So basically, I think there must be some jealousy or resentment that I have for experiences I never had, and it's not stuff I can fix or go back and redo. I'm stuck in this loop of trying to make peace with who I am and the decisions I've made, and being caught in this loop of self hatred and anger for a wasted life. During this constant storm, I see death as the only logical option.
