Discussion Coming up on the day you plan to CTB... How does it feel?

[FatalSystemError591]

So, I'm coming up on my date I set for myself. I'm starting to plan a direct time. I want to do it before March, but after Valentine's Day. At the latest I'll do it after my girlfriend's birthday March 16th, but I really would like to be gone before mine, which is a few weeks before. I've been planning this since around August or so, carefully laying out my plans and trying to gather information.

Right now when I think about how close the date is, it is an interesting experience. I panic a little at first knowing it is so close and then kind of a calm. Like when I try to envision my future past that, all I see is a blank screen. It feels like a car hitting a brick wall. Nothing, emptiness, dead on impact. I'm considering doing it before then but I think somewhere between February 15th-March 1st may be a sweet spot for me to have some time alone and let myself fade into the abyss.

What does it feel like for you all who have a set date or guideline? Is it the same or is it different?

 

[NodusTollens]

Hi OP,

It sounds like you've reached a point of acceptance in your journey & while, it's sad that it's come to this, I'm glad to hear you've found some relief.

I can appreciate how you're feeling, after choosing my date, I started to experience feelings of anxiety & calm too- like fight or fight, sudden urge to run- then it would be gone. I think one of the weirdest parts for me is interacting with the rest of the world after the date's picked. Like you said, I see things as blank too, so when I hear plans of what people plan for their futures, I do what I can to leave the conversation or jokingly laugh it off without being suspicious.

I hope you're able to find a time that works within your sweet spot, it sounds like you have a few things to work out & I wish you the best in your endeavours. :)

 

[FatalSystemError591]

Yeah it is definitely a weird push and pull because as much as I used to love daydreaming about my future, it is not feasible. The only thing that really saves me is that I have spent so long being conditioned to fake like everything is okay from my abusive stepmom raising me.. So when I talk about the future I can act like I have dreams and plans but I know deep down that I have a well kept secret that I won't live to see those dreams inevitably not play out and fail.

I saw more talk of the DeBreather coming out and if someone manages to figure out if they're available to order in that time I might order one and wait to get it so I can catch the bus with more dignity, but if it doesn't happen before then I have two methods with me.

I hope you find your peace as well.

 

[Spitfire]

It could be thought like something similar to anticipatory grieving like with alzheimers disease or terminal breast cancer resurgence, but with oneself, maybe?

 

[NodusTollens]

Yeah it is definitely a weird push and pull because as much as I used to love daydreaming about my future, it is not feasible. The only thing that really saves me is that I have spent so long being conditioned to fake like everything is okay from my abusive stepmom raising me.. So when I talk about the future I can act like I have dreams and plans but I know deep down that I have a well kept secret that I won't live to see those dreams inevitably not play out and fail.

I saw more talk of the DeBreather coming out and if someone manages to figure out if they're available to order in that time I might order one and wait to get it so I can catch the bus with more dignity, but if it doesn't happen before then I have two methods with me.

I hope you find your peace as well.

That's interesting that you would say that, you know, I don't know that I've ever really done that- daydream about the future. I'm realizing now that I don't know how to dream/wish for positive things in my life, without being destroyed by the overwhelming anxiety that surrounds it. Seeing myself as fundamentally flawed, I would be other people in fantasies. Tbh, dreaming of my future feels like a sort of Butterfly Effect, where I envision a future I can never attain because I have no confidence in myself or my ability to do the right things to reach my goals/dreams.

I'm glad you're able to maintain a sense of control in conversation about the future. That's not easy. The idea of the deBreather is interesting, but I know little about it, I haven't looked into it myself, though it's good that have your methods already, definitely relieves some stress.

Thank you. :)

 

[FatalSystemError591]

I've got a lot on my head right now and everything feels heavy and it hurts. I wish I had someone to talk to that wasn't my therapist who says the same lines of "I am holding that this is hard for you and it is understandable considering your circumstances why you feel this way." And giving little help other than that. Who I can openly talk with my CTB plans to and to let it not be a secret. These forums are the closest I have.

 

[NodusTollens]

I've got a lot on my head right now and everything feels heavy and it hurts. I wish I had someone to talk to that wasn't my therapist who says the same lines of "I am holding that this is hard for you and it is understandable considering your circumstances why you feel this way." And giving little help other than that. Who I can openly talk with my CTB plans to and to let it not be a secret. These forums are the closest I have.

Sorry you're feeling so weighed down by everything, I've been there myself, so I can empathize with how you're feeling. & if you ever want to vent, feel free to PM me.

 

[greebo6]

As mine approaches I feel a mixture of calm and anxiety. It fluctuates between the two.
I know its the only way/option but part of me still wishes it could have all been very different.

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I plan to leave this April. I'm looking forward to it but still a little sad :( The best part is knowing all your troubles will be gone.

 

[js927?!]

Hey @Void-Hearted Echo, just wanted to let you know your not on your own. It's my little girls birthday tomorrow I've said I need to wait at least a week. I used to cry when I had horrible thoughts now I don't, i feel calm. My partner has now hidden all my meds. So I am not thinking of the shallow water blackout, I am so desperate. I have tried to get help, I just feel like no one can help me now. I'm beyond help now.

I just hope my 3 beautiful children, my very loving partner, mom and friends will be ok. I know my kids will be better off without me. My little girl won't even remember me, I also have two amazing boys. It's sad but I feel like such a burden, I have bipolar type 2. The worst part is knowing this will continue to happen, I've been in a low for 5 months now. Should be doing my driving test, I can't even do that now as they won't clear me to drive.

i love this forum, I feel like I can say whatever without worrying about people calling for help and I get a knock on the door



I am so sorry you feel like this I hope you get the peace your looking for. Sending lots of love

I plan to leave this April. I'm looking forward to it but still a little sad :( The best part is knowing all your troubles will be gone.

It is so sad that this is our only option now.