The long and short of it, in the last three years I've lost both of my parents, my dad I had to make the choice to let him die a slow death, I lost a good friend, my wife got pregnant with our second child, but after he was born my wife became severely mentally ill. Post partum psychosis and bipolarism did a number on her to the point that she was ignoring our newborn, refused to get help, I initiated divorce proceedings and she had to leave the house for the safety of our children (14, 1.5). On top of all of this, I'm losing my job soon.
Needless to say, all of this compounding grief, stress, depression, it's at a point now where I don't even want to continue on, which I feel awful for saying because my children should give me that drive but it's not there anymore.
I've been poking around these forums for almost three months without an account looking up various methods. I considered nitrogen, I can get access to everything I need for that method, but I don't want to leave such an obvious suicide for my children to have to deal with mentally. Not physically of course, I wouldn't do this around them or in a place where they'd find me.
So I've settled on carbon monoxide and a tent, I read about the success with that method in one of the more popular posts about it, I also see how often it accidentally happens to those on camping trips. Me going out for a night wouldn't be suspicious, and I'm going to do some testing to confirm my tent will do the job or if it needs to be modified. Single skin, that 3000 rating for water proofing, only thing I see being an issue is the vent at the top, which I'm looking into ways to seal it in a way that looks accidental.
The crux of all of this is that no matter how hard I try, it's going to be labeled a suicide. I'm sure I have some loose ends I'd be forgetting to tie off, a random search on my cell phone, the carbon monoxide analyzer I order from amazon will be an obvious sign that I knew what I was doing. I can't get around hurting my children, but I don't feel as if I can stick around for them.
I look at the future, and ask myself what I have to look forward to? Working until I drop? Cultivating pointless hobbies? Playing video games? Dating again? Nah, I've been on this planet nearing 40 years now, I've seen everything there is to see in one shape or form and I don't like it.
I love my children, I really do, leaving them makes me so fucking sad, but I shouldn't of had them. I've had insane delusions about my eldest wanting to ctb with me, not that I've talked to them about any of this, but knowing they'd be free from pain and suffering with me, would bring some comfort as fucked up as that sounds. It's just another reason why I should continue down the path I've chosen.
Needless to say, all of this compounding grief, stress, depression, it's at a point now where I don't even want to continue on, which I feel awful for saying because my children should give me that drive but it's not there anymore.
I've been poking around these forums for almost three months without an account looking up various methods. I considered nitrogen, I can get access to everything I need for that method, but I don't want to leave such an obvious suicide for my children to have to deal with mentally. Not physically of course, I wouldn't do this around them or in a place where they'd find me.
So I've settled on carbon monoxide and a tent, I read about the success with that method in one of the more popular posts about it, I also see how often it accidentally happens to those on camping trips. Me going out for a night wouldn't be suspicious, and I'm going to do some testing to confirm my tent will do the job or if it needs to be modified. Single skin, that 3000 rating for water proofing, only thing I see being an issue is the vent at the top, which I'm looking into ways to seal it in a way that looks accidental.
The crux of all of this is that no matter how hard I try, it's going to be labeled a suicide. I'm sure I have some loose ends I'd be forgetting to tie off, a random search on my cell phone, the carbon monoxide analyzer I order from amazon will be an obvious sign that I knew what I was doing. I can't get around hurting my children, but I don't feel as if I can stick around for them.
I look at the future, and ask myself what I have to look forward to? Working until I drop? Cultivating pointless hobbies? Playing video games? Dating again? Nah, I've been on this planet nearing 40 years now, I've seen everything there is to see in one shape or form and I don't like it.
I love my children, I really do, leaving them makes me so fucking sad, but I shouldn't of had them. I've had insane delusions about my eldest wanting to ctb with me, not that I've talked to them about any of this, but knowing they'd be free from pain and suffering with me, would bring some comfort as fucked up as that sounds. It's just another reason why I should continue down the path I've chosen.
