coming to terms with ctb

[gothfairy]

the past few weeks have just been getting worse and worse. i've been planning to ctb this friday, when my roommates will be out. it seems like its coming up really fast and i'm not sure i'm ready yet so i might postpone it until spring break.

the thing holding me back is my parents' reaction. i'm just scared of what they will do and how traumatized they will be. i don't want to hurt them like that, but i know this is what i need to do. i've lost everything, including any hope i had left. i stopped future planning a long time ago. i will be sure to post a goodbye thread even though i'm not very well known.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

it seems like its coming up really fast and i'm not sure i'm ready yet so i might postpone it until spring break.

pro-choice means you always have the right to choose - even to say no.

If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. It probably varies from person to person who does ultimately CTB, varying circumstances and lengths of time to prep themselves. Nothing wrong with taking the time and space to sort out your feelings and your thoughts.

Regarding your parents, i can speak as someone who has conversed quite deeply with folks who have lost a child to reasons beyond their control. It is always going to hurt. There is very little you can do to minimize that damage, so i think ultimately you will juts need to decide for yourself if this is really what you want to do.

 

[FracturedSeraphim]

That's ok. It's ok to put it off, or to even change your mind. If you don't mind me asking why you are planning to ctb?

I'm not telling you not to that's your choice.

Personally, I plan to get a hotel room for the night when I ctb so my roommates won't have to find me. My daughter will be staying with her grandmother. This weekend can't get here soon enough.

 

[Soulstax]

When you're gone, your parents reaction will no longer concern you whatsoever (unless you believe in afterlife, which I think is unlikely), that concern is for the living only. If you're not completely at peace with ctb though, then I think it is better to wait until you are completely ready for it. SI is very strong and will stop you at all costs if you're not truly ready..

At the end of the day though, it's your body and your life, therefore your choice and noone else's.

 

[Chronicillness]

Life is unfair and unpredictable from beginning to end. When 2 people decide to bring in another human to the current timeline, they have to be prepared for the unexpected and they also have to be fully prepared that their child might be exposed to heinous mental or physical illness that leads to self termination. Your parents should have thought this scenario out pre-conception. I'm personally not going to worry about how my parents feel, I am suffering in a way they haven't ever in their entire lives, I know what's best for me and they should respect and understand that unconditionally.

 

[Jean4]

It isn't your time. You still care about how your family will feel. If the time comes when your pain is greater than the pain you think your parents will feel ... then it is time.

 

[Diceroller90]

the thing holding me back is my parents' reaction. i'm just scared of what they will do and how traumatized they will be. i don't want to hurt them like that, but i know this is what i need to do.

Hey Goth Fairy. I am in the same boat as you. I gave up on life, I don't see a future for myself. Honestly feels like I am fated to die young just like other people feel they are fated to be lawyers or doctors. However the big thing holding me back is the thought of what my family would think.

I am rather new to this forum (first post!), but when I started lurking here last night I saw a video. Apparently a YouTuber live streamed his suicide in front of millions. It was a very graphic video and definitely not for the faint of heart. What got me though, what really got to me though, was not seeing what happens when a shotgun shell blows through a body. I seen enough violence to not be phased by that if I am given fair warning. What really hurt was seeing his mother discover his body. Her shrieks, her lamentations... they scarred me. I imagined my mother in her shoes. Or my father, one of the strongest men I have ever known in my life, kneeling before my corpse in tears.

I still don't think I have long in my life. That video though makes me want to go down swinging. It is why I made an account here. I want to hear from people like yourself who are in my shoes and what you think and why. I want to hear from the dead like Moonie (who I sadly never had the pleasure to know) who did something that some days feel impossible and I want to hear from those who managed to over come this in the recovery forum because that too feels equally impossible. If I am going to put my family through such an ordeal, I want to make darn well sure that I didn't miss something. That there wasn't another path I am just missing, that there was something else I could've done and be like a normal Joe.

Hopefully these words from a faceless stranger help you make a choice. The biggest stress in life comes from indecision. When we cannot make a choice, it eats us alive. Once we do make that choice, the burden is lifted. Personally, I hope you choose life. If you choose death, I can't blame you. I tried that same choice when I was younger (it didn't take obviously) and I still find myself wrestling with that choice today like I said. Anyways I say choose life, because if you go down swinging, you go down swinging. I hate to lose (especially with the stakes so high), and pulling that trigger feels like the ultimate white-flag. So like my name says, I am going to roll the dice hoping tomorrow I get a Nat 20 on my San Check. (Bit of a geeky joke to leave you with)

Edit: Thanks for the heart Courtney! Brings a tear to my eye after a harsh day knowing I impacted someone positively :)

Edit 2: I am quite touched (pun intended) by the hug SoulStax. Experts say physical contact makes people feel better, and despite it being virtual physical contact, my mood is quite lifted.

Edit 3: Glad you liked the post Hellboy

Edit 4: *Bows* Thank you Sensei for the likes on both of my posts.

 

[hatelife]

I just want my mom to say its okey, u can do it, she almost said it like I cant stop u some days ago and it felt so great and relief, but I want her here with me when I do it, not having to hide things, it makes it even more scarier to do it at night :( I just am in hell now I want the pain to stop, pls God help me stop my torture, give me terminal cancer or something

 

[Diceroller90]

I just want my mom to say its okey, u can do it, she almost said it like I cant stop u some days ago and it felt so great and relief, but I want her here with me when I do it, not having to hide things, it makes it even more scarier to do it at night :( I just am in hell now I want the pain to stop, pls God help me stop my torture, give me terminal cancer or something

I said the same words to my parents at Thanksgiving '18. I had an idea how my death would effect them (though that video I saw yesterday really put a fine point on it) and I was hoping to minimize the burden. If I gave them time to prepare and say goodbyes, they would feel better than if it was a total shock. Makes sense right? Made sense to me anyways.

What you and I asked for though, they are just incapable of giving and it sucks. However it sucks for them too. Losing a child is something we are genetically hardwired to avoid at all costs. It is an instinct as strong as the Survival Instinct and if you don't have experience fighting that instinct I am sure others here (myself included) can attest to how hard it is to overcome it. I read on an article posted here that its something that most people have to train themselves in small steps to bypass it, and that is if we work every day at it. For any failings we have, think of this: we are braver than them. To not fear death is something only the bravest and most willful can do. How can we expect those who are weaker in that regard to do that? It is like asking a toddler to roll a boulder up a mountain.

So there are two ways of handling this dilemma and neither of them wrong (depending on what things you are trying to accomplish).

The first is SoulStax's advice to Goth Fairy.

When you're gone, your parents reaction will no longer concern you whatsoever (unless you believe in afterlife, which I think is unlikely), that concern is for the living only.

Basically, the problem is its own solution. If you feel bad about killing yourself, killing yourself stops you from feeling bad about it. Hard to fault that logic.

Then there is my advice.

Choose life, because if you go down swinging, you go down swinging. I hate to lose (especially with the stakes so high), and pulling that trigger feels like the ultimate white-flag.

Despite what looks to be an obvious bias, I won't say either advice is better. Some nights I go to bed and find it impossible to find the strength to roll the dice on tomorrow. It might as well be made out of a Neutron star from what i can tell. So if you say you can't roll the dice, you can't roll the dice. On the other hand, I have a martyr complex. I would rather post pone that pain I would inflict for as long as possible. So I am going to keep pushing on that Neutronium die hoping it will budge. Odds are I will go insane or die of a heart attack, but I can't tell if I am nuts or not already and I don't care if I live or die so its not much of a loss anyways.

 

[gothfairy]

That's ok. It's ok to put it off, or to even change your mind. If you don't mind me asking why you are planning to ctb?

I'm not telling you not to that's your choice.

Personally, I plan to get a hotel room for the night when I ctb so my roommates won't have to find me. My daughter will be staying with her grandmother. This weekend can't get here soon enough.

i want to ctb because i have lost everything i care about. i lost a lot of people in my day and i have been a victim of sexual crimes since i was seven years old by people i loved dearly. i have begun to hate every second i spend living and i have begun to hate the things i used to enjoy. i've been depressed for as long as i can remember and it just feels like i am destined to die young.