Venting Coming to terms... Grieving my life..

[fillthevoid]

So hard to make that final decision to die. It's not the pain. It's not the fear of what comes next. It's the finality if it. It's the full realisation and acceptance that I'll never be happy. Never be a mother. Never be successful in something. Never feel secure, with my own home and having control over my own life. Never feel good enough by my partner. Never see my mum and dad happy. Never get to walk out the other side thinking 'I made it. I did it.' I will be ending any chance of these things. Even if I know they're impossible anyway. Even so, death is closing the book on it 100%. It's silly, because I know once I'm dead I won't know any different anyway. But still, there is a grieving process before I kill myself, grieving the loss of what could never be, and now what will never be. I feel so defeated and sad. Several years ago, I kept going, because I thought there was a chance things could be ok. But nothing has changed. I feel more of a failure than ever. I have less hope than ever. In the past, I always told somebody when I was feeling low and wanted to kill myself. This made me wonder to myself how serious I was, and if I was subconsciously just attention seeking. Now feels different. I feel as though, any day or week now, I'll pick up the courage. And this time I won't want to be stopped. Because I have nothing left to fight with anymore.

 

[jimmy7754]

This is mostly how I feel at 32.

 

[Lullaby]

This post resonates SO much with me. I was just thinking about this the other day.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for years now. There's been some impulsive attempts, but I've always gone back to my same routine and just living with these thoughts.

Now, I'm actively starting plan things and intend on buying some stuff next month that'll seal everything, and it's just surreal to come to terms with. Like, this is actually happening…and by making that decision, there's so much that I won't get to experience.

It's very heavy and a lot to take in and think about. It's always okay to dwell on these things, to make sure this is something you really want to do.

 

[Rational man]

Such profound feelings. We are what we are today but we rarely know how tomorrow will be. We,only have today and when we die, we become part of the unknown. We are no longer me, adinfinitom. I hope PEACE finds YOU.

 

[savoytruffle]

Such a resonating and true post, exactly my thoughts written down

 

[TheBroken]

So hard to make that final decision to die. It's not the pain. It's not the fear of what comes next. It's the finality if it. It's the full realisation and acceptance that I'll never be happy. Never be a mother. Never be successful in something. Never feel secure, with my own home and having control over my own life. Never feel good enough by my partner. Never see my mum and dad happy. Never get to walk out the other side thinking 'I made it. I did it.' I will be ending any chance of these things. Even if I know they're impossible anyway. Even so, death is closing the book on it 100%. It's silly, because I know once I'm dead I won't know any different anyway. But still, there is a grieving process before I kill myself, grieving the loss of what could never be, and now what will never be. I feel so defeated and sad. Several years ago, I kept going, because I thought there was a chance things could be ok. But nothing has changed. I feel more of a failure than ever. I have less hope than ever. In the past, I always told somebody when I was feeling low and wanted to kill myself. This made me wonder to myself how serious I was, and if I was subconsciously just attention seeking. Now feels different. I feel as though, any day or week now, I'll pick up the courage. And this time I won't want to be stopped. Because I have nothing left to fight with anymore

Can relate. The thing I realized (for me but may not apply to you) is that I'm not, and haven't been, living a good or happy life for many years despite all efforts to do so; therefore, I'm basically a walking dead person anyway so exiting is just making the reality fully physical. Put another way, I'm already dead so it's not as though exiting is such a major decision or transition. Again, just for me and I encourage anyone to do whatever they can to fix/improve before making the final choice so they can feel confident they didn't just give in/up.

 

[Cryptonite]

So hard to make that final decision to die. It's not the pain. It's not the fear of what comes next. It's the finality if it. It's the full realisation and acceptance that I'll never be happy. Never be a mother. Never be successful in something. Never feel secure, with my own home and having control over my own life. Never feel good enough by my partner. Never see my mum and dad happy. Never get to walk out the other side thinking 'I made it. I did it.' I will be ending any chance of these things. Even if I know they're impossible anyway. Even so, death is closing the book on it 100%. It's silly, because I know once I'm dead I won't know any different anyway. But still, there is a grieving process before I kill myself, grieving the loss of what could never be, and now what will never be. I feel so defeated and sad. Several years ago, I kept going, because I thought there was a chance things could be ok. But nothing has changed. I feel more of a failure than ever. I have less hope than ever. In the past, I always told somebody when I was feeling low and wanted to kill myself. This made me wonder to myself how serious I was, and if I was subconsciously just attention seeking. Now feels different. I feel as though, any day or week now, I'll pick up the courage. And this time I won't want to be stopped. Because I have nothing left to fight with anymore.

Don't forget, death comes with total relief of grief

This is just "an earthly worry", it will play no role at all when you CBT

 

[fillthevoid]

Can relate. The thing I realized (for me but may not apply to you) is that I'm not, and haven't been, living a good or happy life for many years despite all efforts to do so; therefore, I'm basically a walking dead person anyway so exiting is just making the reality fully physical. Put another way, I'm already dead so it's not as though exiting is such a major decision or transition. Again, just for me and I encourage anyone to do whatever they can to fix/improve before making the final choice so they can feel confident they didn't just give in/up.

I do feel like that it's a good point and does bring some sense of comfort

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is so temporary and meaningless but at the same time so sad and depressing. I'm sorry that you have suffered so unbearably. Living really is so painful. I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[fillthevoid]

Life is so temporary and meaningless but at the same time so sad and depressing. I'm sorry that you have suffered so unbearably. Living really is so painful. I wish you relief from suffering.

Thank you. I feel as if life is a gift, a rare opportunity to experience being. We are so lucky to have the chance. It is a blip in time, and is very lacking in meaning, but still, it could be wonderful. It is amazing that we can see, smell, hear, touch and taste. And there is so much more as well, so much to feel.. joy and love, and grief and hate. We are capable of so much. Played out correctly, life is so rich. Unfortunately it has just not turned out that way for me. Not the orchestral masterpiece of the full human experience that I would have liked it to be. For me, life is a dull ache, compounded by a million daggers.

 

[outrider567]

Can relate. The thing I realized (for me but may not apply to you) is that I'm not, and haven't been, living a good or happy life for many years despite all efforts to do so; therefore, I'm basically a walking dead person anyway so exiting is just making the reality fully physical. Put another way, I'm already dead so it's not as though exiting is such a major decision or transition. Again, just for me and I encourage anyone to do whatever they can to fix/improve before making the final choice so they can feel confident they didn't just give in/up.

'Walking Dead' yeah that's me last four months, and I'll continue to be one of the walking dead until I end it

 

[MisFortunate]

I feel you. It takes an incredible amount of mental strength. I keep telling myself ignore these dark emotions of woulda-coulda-shoulda and get on with it (SN is my method). My fate is sealed and I need to CTB but the void of death makes me shudder. WTF? Anyway, just wanted you to know you are not alone. I wish you strength and courage in whatever you do.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Thank you. I feel as if life is a gift, a rare opportunity to experience being. We are so lucky to have the chance. It is a blip in time, and is very lacking in meaning, but still, it could be wonderful. It is amazing that we can see, smell, hear, touch and taste. And there is so much more as well, so much to feel.. joy and love, and grief and hate. We are capable of so much. Played out correctly, life is so rich. Unfortunately it has just not turned out that way for me. Not the orchestral masterpiece of the full human experience that I would have liked it to be. For me, life is a dull ache, compounded by a million daggers.

This is exactly how I feel… I feel like life is a miracle and there's so much to experience… But I ruined my life through incompetance and so I can't experience any of it… It's excruciating

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

That's it you described exactly how I feel, and your words perfectly expressed what I tried to express in my last long and ranting post. I'm 26 and I think I've been in this grieving phase for years now. I tried to make sense of all this as me still having bits of hope, yearning for what could have been, but the reality is things are completely hopeless for me and they have been for a long time. I am just having a real hard time accepting this and my life's defeat feels too painful...

 

[Capsaicin78]

It's the full realisation and acceptance that I'll never be happy.

This. I feel the exact same way, that is why as soon as I get my hands on some N, its bye bye for me

 

[rationaltake]

I feel as if life is a gift, a rare opportunity to experience being. We are so lucky to have the chance. It is a blip in time, and is very lacking in meaning, but still, it could be wonderful. It is amazing that we can see, smell, hear, touch and taste. And there is so much more as well, so much to feel.. joy and love, and grief and hate. We are capable of so much. Played out correctly, life is so rich. Unfortunately it has just not turned out that way for me. Not the orchestral masterpiece of the full human experience that I would have liked it to be. For me, life is a dull ache, compounded by a million daggers.

You express this magnificently. I know life could have been amazing. I had glimpses of it. Things just haven't worked out for me either.

 

[Peaceinsleep]

This has been my experience over the past couple of days, I got the notification that the last ingredient I need for my method has been shipped and although I've had the thoughts before, the planning of it all really gets me now in a place I didn't think I would even have feelings about. I fear the finality of it and started thinking about all the things I would never have, never have a 30th birthday, never have kids or give my parents grandkids, never see my sisters graduate, all these things started to become very real and I found myself just in tears all day yesterday mourning myself… I also started to feel and become fearful of the unknown, what if I live in this soul in a darker place with no escape after this life is over. All these thoughts kept hitting me and I'm thinking about how my mom will feel, how she will react to the news and wanting her to never find out, I looked at my flip flops and depression blanket and think about my partner, albeit he's a huge reason why I want to escape this wretched life, how the things inside the apartment will look to him, just shoes, clothes, cigarette butts, no me and what once before was a calming feeling started to feel like a compound of emotions. Yeah mourning yourself isn't something you feel prepared for and yet I dont feel prepared to continue to go on, if that makes since

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I know what you mean but I'm passed all that now. Sometimes it makes me sad, but it's just the way it is. I feel like my death won't be a tragedy but the tragedy has been how I've completely wasted my life the last 15 years. I always knew I was different in some way and 10 years ago I realised I'd never be like other people or have a happy life. I grew up with a great family but I'M the problem and I just want to get away from me. I'm totally ready to go now. I do hate what it'll do to my mother but I've tried to stress I'll never be able to give her a wedding or grandkids or anything to be proud of even if I lived to 90

 

[fracturedviolence]

So hard to make that final decision to die. It's not the pain. It's not the fear of what comes next. It's the finality if it. It's the full realisation and acceptance that I'll never be happy. Never be a mother. Never be successful in something. Never feel secure, with my own home and having control over my own life. Never feel good enough by my partner. Never see my mum and dad happy. Never get to walk out the other side thinking 'I made it. I did it.' I will be ending any chance of these things. Even if I know they're impossible anyway. Even so, death is closing the book on it 100%. It's silly, because I know once I'm dead I won't know any different anyway. But still, there is a grieving process before I kill myself, grieving the loss of what could never be, and now what will never be. I feel so defeated and sad. Several years ago, I kept going, because I thought there was a chance things could be ok. But nothing has changed. I feel more of a failure than ever. I have less hope than ever. In the past, I always told somebody when I was feeling low and wanted to kill myself. This made me wonder to myself how serious I was, and if I was subconsciously just attention seeking. Now feels different. I feel as though, any day or week now, I'll pick up the courage. And this time I won't want to be stopped. Because I have nothing left to fight with anymore.

god does this resonate with me wishing you relief and peace in the near future whatever your outcome may be