coming out(?) to bf

[strawberrydino]

dk if this is the right place to post this but wanted to vent(i mean what else do i do on here- which does make me a bit afraid i might be dropping a lot of personal info but regardless).

so i have a partner now(pretty fantastic all things considered bc i like him and he likes me, mutual affection and the whole shebang). met him through a shared activity of which that activity has made a whole friendgrouo both he and i are a part of.

the thing if im like 99% solid that i am nonbinary, and ive been putting off this revelation because i really didnt want to change status quo. and i was afraid that its offputting and its not that important. that what really changes. except i feel a lot better when im not referred to as a girl or woman or girlfriend. im not your girl im not any of that. didnt really realize how uncomfortable it was till ppl referred to me as they/them.

its just weird ig. bc its not that group wont be accepting of they/them its just not that deep. like it feels like i hid something that is somehow fundamental to my living but also wont change anything. i wish i just knew my identity at the start.

obviously my partner has known me as she/her and a large portion of me wonders if that would change his perception of me. /his attraction towards me. not like we've been dating that long. but also i think he's open to nonbinary partners(?) but it feels like a switch in expectations to have a girlfriend become a theyfriend or whatever. and i just hate im making something so simple complicated.

i guess i just need some thoughts and advice. i know im not comfortable in the gender binary but its like do i do anything about it. i hate being unsure and i hate that i am this unsure about it. i makes me feel fake about everything. i hate my body and i hate that life feels so complicated. yet if i dont do anything the pressure will continue to build and i think my gender id adding to my overall anxiety.

 

[snooperdooper]

I would say don't limit yourself to other people. Not transitioning because of other people is a huge mistake and will fill you with regret down the line. Explore your identity, find what makes you feel comfortable, and you'll be much happier for it.

 

[strawberrydino]

I would say don't limit yourself to other people. Not transitioning because of other people is a huge mistake and will fill you with regret down the line. Explore your identity, find what makes you feel comfortable, and you'll be much happier for it.

. i didn't really reply before but thanks for the advice. i told my partner and also like one close friends. and he was accepting(i mean i knew he would be it just feels like idk) and he was asking if i wanted to like actually enforce they/them pronoun usage among friends. and it feels like a whole thing. which i wish it wasn't. but better direction i guess.

 

[orpheus_]

I get that coming out as trans/nb to other people is scary (trans man here), especially with romantic relationships where orientation and stuff comes into play. But from many experiences of queer people I've heard about - staying "in the closet" to conform to other people will do you more harm than good, so I highly encourage you to try to be honest. But you don't have to do everything at once, because SHIT IT'S STRESSFUL. Good luck and sending hugs, I hope you will be able to get comfortable with yourself <3

 

[Dejected 55]

A couple of things.

I think you have to allow for your partner to be surprised and perhaps to have lots of feels in the moment. I mean, you have been considering this for a while, it will be entirely new in the moment to your partner. You don't have to tolerate or permit cruel reactions from your partner... but I think you have to realize they will be surprised, they will have fear of what this means for the relationship, they may even feel a slight betrayal in the moment. You may even have to give them a little time to think and respond later. Again, you have been thinking about this for a while before deciding and then telling your partner.

But you also have to realize that this could end the relationship. Even if your partner reacts kindly and comes around and understands and supports you... it may not be something they can commit to in a relationship going forward. You have to be okay with that. And, of course, IF they react harshly or cruelly or whatever, you have to be ready to let them go and realize they were not meant for you.

You will not know until you open up... and hopefully it will go well... but be prepared for whatever.

 

[webb&flow]

. i didn't really reply before but thanks for the advice. i told my partner and also like one close friends. and he was accepting(i mean i knew he would be it just feels like idk) and he was asking if i wanted to like actually enforce they/them pronoun usage among friends. and it feels like a whole thing. which i wish it wasn't. but better direction i guess.

I highly encourage you to accept that offer :) You have clearly seen and felt the benefits to your own health and wellbeing that comes from you being realized and recognized as nonbinary; and they/them pronoun usage for you will give you the fulfillment of this genuine and serious need to be viewed as who you truly are.

You have carefully consulted with yourself and attained truth of how you feel in this matter. You know yourself, better than ever, now. You have obtained peace and clarity where there used to be confusion and pain, and now you know what you want for yourself, and what you need from others.

I can understand that it can feel a touch frightening, people asking you "You want to only go by these pronouns, correct? Shall we enforce it?". It can make you think "Am I putting pressure on my friends? Am I asking too much of them?". But the truth is, fellow friend, that this is not so much to ask. This is asking to be seen, to be embraced, to be accepted. You have a need to seek clarity, and we need to give this to ourselves (which you have so compassionately done for yourself), and it is all the more sweeter and relaxing when others, too, can assist us, in this tender, vital matter.

Your partner and that one friend is recognizing the importance of this to your life and sentient harmony. It is a slightly daunting offer, yes; but it is a compassionate and sincere offer regardless. It is my personal opinion that you deserve to have security with your gender identity among those you love most. It is tempting to delegate the task of preserving and defending our identity solely to ourselves, but what if there are truly good and truly loving people, who know us and truly want us to be in the best and healthiest harmony possible, who are most willing to build & reinforce our wellbeing, and heal our soul further through their lucid behavior and good intention? I believe personally you will be far happier with the explicit support from your friend group :).

It is easy to help those we love. It is hard to ask for help from those we love, those we want to be loved by. But I am here to tell you that you may request both, and receive them both. Both love, and help. Both admiration—and acceptance.

May your realization of your natural nonbinary identity be a new route for you to feel love and comfort in your life, and may all the truly good people with you facilitate this increase of harmony in your life. (You can know if they are truly good—if they help facilitate this necessity and peace in your life, for your sincere and honest benefit.)

 

[LongLimbedWeirdo]

I have a question what do you mean when you say I feel uncomfortable when I'm addressed as she/her I'm trying to understand people better since I'm getting released into the adult world (I'm 18) and I'm really confused by what people mean when they say that and I could there be a underlying reason that you feel uncomfortable when your addressed as she/her maybe you feel like it's negative since women or usually seen as "weaker" feminine and yadada Idk just trying to understand and if your gonna transition think it through I have had close friends friends regret theyre transitions so yea but you definitely should tell your bf it's extremely important to be transparent in a relationship

 

[strawberrydino]

told some of my friends but smth smth they needa transition mindset and it takes a bit. but i really fucking fucking hate correcting pronouns in a group setting. kms.

I have a question what do you mean when you say I feel uncomfortable when I'm addressed as she/her I'm trying to understand people better since I'm getting released into the adult world (I'm 18) and I'm really confused by what people mean when they say that and I could there be a underlying reason that you feel uncomfortable when your addressed as she/her maybe you feel like it's negative since women or usually seen as "weaker" feminine and yadada Idk just trying to understand and if your gonna transition think it through I have had close friends friends regret theyre transitions so yea but you definitely should tell your bf it's extremely important to be transparent in a relationship

dude ive thought abt this shit since covid. its not im transitioning its more like im telling them my pronouns ive had but not enforced since covid.

also they/them and why. it might that internalized misogyny but honestly i just think gender is a myth and straight bs. why do we bother with divisions bc gender its stupid. and ig i wish i wasnt perceived as a gender. and everything is disgusting. sex and genitalia is disgusting despite my own sex drive. idk. im spiraling. i dont have an answer. it makes me more comfortable to not be she/her or he/him. does it really need to be anything else