Coming, Going, Returning

[Rabhen]

I join ss and get all kinds of welcome and conversations, hopes; not what I was expecting from the inflamous article I read that sent me on a three day google search to even find this here.
I am trying to find a way to deal the death of a woman that has kept me so terrified for almost 15 years and eventually homeless. Despite her death and my apparent subsequent and immediate safety from her, I am having to deal with some of her family members that I am not sure of. I also have other people that I have VALID reasons to fear for my life.
Despite my suicidal tendencies, thoughts and ideation, I rather vehemently refuse being murdered with outstanding SI that makes me take deeper looks into my own ideation. I am allowed this, it is my right as a being on this planet.
"Above all, survive." was the very first directive I gave each of my children as they breathed their first breaths upon my bossom.
Suddenly, and without warning the person I have feared the most ever in my entire life since the little boy that choked me while trying to rape me when I was 6, died.
I am suddenly free to get my identity back, to get my name back, to get my life back.
I have found one person on this planet that accepts me as I am and has allowed me to scream as loud and as long as I need.
I no longer have anyone I truly fear may kill me, or some I love in front of me, or someone I love and then brutally tell me the horrid details and how he was able to hide it from everyone.
I find a niche here and hope to maybe do some good in the world, maybe through here.
Suddenly the Universes decides that nope, not gonna happen, not gonna get caught up, not gonna ever have a home, will always be picked on, hurt, slapped down, what a tease.
Then on here, I found in a hard and painful way, I am in no way qualified to help myself more or less anyfuckingone else.
Massive paranormal shit started happening to me, the kind that makes you fucking sure you are loosing your mind, totally off your fucking nut, your mind is over and since you haven't exited you are more than likely now going to be hospitalized for fucking life. Forgotten forever. In torment.
So I deleted my account.

I join ss and get all kinds of welcome and conversations, hopes; not what I was expecting from the inflamous article I read that sent me on a three day google search to even find this here.
I am trying to find a way to deal the death of a woman that has kept me so terrified for almost 15 years and eventually homeless. Despite her death and my apparent subsequent and immediate safety from her, I am having to deal with some of her family members that I am not sure of. I also have other people that I have VALID reasons to fear for my life.
Despite my suicidal tendencies, thoughts and ideation, I rather vehemently refuse being murdered with outstanding SI that makes me take deeper looks into my own ideation. I am allowed this, it is my right as a being on this planet.
"Above all, survive." was the very first directive I gave each of my children as they breathed their first breaths upon my bossom.
Suddenly, and without warning the person I have feared the most ever in my entire life since the little boy that choked me while trying to rape me when I was 6, died.
I am suddenly free to get my identity back, to get my name back, to get my life back.
I have found one person on this planet that accepts me as I am and has allowed me to scream as loud and as long as I need.
I no longer have anyone I truly fear may kill me, or some I love in front of me, or someone I love and then brutally tell me the horrid details and how he was able to hide it from everyone.
I find a niche here and hope to maybe do some good in the world, maybe through here.
Suddenly the Universes decides that nope, not gonna happen, not gonna get caught up, not gonna ever have a home, will always be picked on, hurt, slapped down, what a tease.
Then on here, I found in a hard and painful way, I am in no way qualified to help myself more or less anyfuckingone else.
Massive paranormal shit started happening to me, the kind that makes you fucking sure you are loosing your mind, totally off your fucking nut, your mind is over and since you haven't exited you are more than likely now going to be hospitalized for fucking life. Forgotten forever. In torment.
So I deleted my account.

Fear of pain, of entrapment, torment my physical existence.
Paranormal shit has happened to me, my entire life.
When I was 5 my paternal grandfather, suddenly died. We had been extremely close. I loved him dearly. He had promised to take me on a ride in his tractor that last time I had seen him, just a few weeks before. I could not understand what my daddy was crying about. Granddaddy just took me in the tractor last night. He came and got me, took me for a ride, then big black long cars drove up, men in black suits, came walking up, granddaddy let go of my hand and I was back in my bed hearing my daddy crying downstairs and when I told him what happened all he did was look at my mom and say "SEE!" There she goes again! Always with the stories and lies! Why does she have to do this why!?!" turning to me he gritted and spat "this is NOT the time you fucking brat!"

I join ss and get all kinds of welcome and conversations, hopes; not what I was expecting from the inflamous article I read that sent me on a three day google search to even find this here.
I am trying to find a way to deal the death of a woman that has kept me so terrified for almost 15 years and eventually homeless. Despite her death and my apparent subsequent and immediate safety from her, I am having to deal with some of her family members that I am not sure of. I also have other people that I have VALID reasons to fear for my life.
Despite my suicidal tendencies, thoughts and ideation, I rather vehemently refuse being murdered with outstanding SI that makes me take deeper looks into my own ideation. I am allowed this, it is my right as a being on this planet.
"Above all, survive." was the very first directive I gave each of my children as they breathed their first breaths upon my bossom.
Suddenly, and without warning the person I have feared the most ever in my entire life since the little boy that choked me while trying to rape me when I was 6, died.
I am suddenly free to get my identity back, to get my name back, to get my life back.
I have found one person on this planet that accepts me as I am and has allowed me to scream as loud and as long as I need.
I no longer have anyone I truly fear may kill me, or some I love in front of me, or someone I love and then brutally tell me the horrid details and how he was able to hide it from everyone.
I find a niche here and hope to maybe do some good in the world, maybe through here.
Suddenly the Universes decides that nope, not gonna happen, not gonna get caught up, not gonna ever have a home, will always be picked on, hurt, slapped down, what a tease.
Then on here, I found in a hard and painful way, I am in no way qualified to help myself more or less anyfuckingone else.
Massive paranormal shit started happening to me, the kind that makes you fucking sure you are loosing your mind, totally off your fucking nut, your mind is over and since you haven't exited you are more than likely now going to be hospitalized for fucking life. Forgotten forever. In torment.
So I deleted my account.

Fear of pain, of entrapment, torment my physical existence.
Paranormal shit has happened to me, my entire life.
When I was 5 my paternal grandfather, suddenly died. We had been extremely close. I loved him dearly. He had promised to take me on a ride in his tractor that last time I had seen him, just a few weeks before. I could not understand what my daddy was crying about. Granddaddy just took me in the tractor last night. He came and got me, took me for a ride, then big black long cars drove up, men in black suits, came walking up, granddaddy let go of my hand and I was back in my bed hearing my daddy crying downstairs and when I told him what happened all he did was look at my mom and say "SEE!" There she goes again! Always with the stories and lies! Why does she have to do this why!?!" turning to me he gritted and spat "this is NOT the time you fucking brat!"

I can go on and on, incident after incident. Some of them actually listed in official documents that are being written down as it is happening.
I am shoved, by hands or feet that are not there, to the point my body is thrown, this is due to my body going into muscle spasm in weird places. I do not just get back of the calf leg cramps, I get, front hip cramps, side hip cramps, side thigh cramps, side calf cramps, neck cramps, shoulder cramps, hand cramps, finger cramps, toe cramps and maddening top of the foot cramps and side of the ankle cramps. Some of these cramps can pull my arms out of the shoulder sockets, and some of the hip cramps have pulled my hips out of their sockets. This condition is not all that bad as it has saved my life more than once. When the thigh of the person you are trying to rape and choke to death comes out and the head of the femur jabs so hard she is able to scream through your choke hold, yeah, life saved, rape overted, I will keep my pull apart body, I just wish it did not fucking hurt so god damn fucking bad all the fucking time, each step, each movement, pain to puke at.

 

[jimmy7754]

I could be homeless soon.. I'm sorry your going through this.

 

[Rabhen]

As for feeling like I can, or should even try, to help another is absurd. My kudos to those on this site who have engineered a platform that at least attempts to allow full disclosure of self. I am fully aware however, that there may some on here who may choose to and have abilities to use this site to prevent those on here from succeeding, or to cause problems for those left behind, further, the thought that the entire site itself is a ruse and is actually run by 'sunshine up yer arsers', has crossed my paranoid mind. Paranormal shit happening can do that. Even when that paranormal shit is witnessed and I feel less looney tuney, I am in no way qualified to help anyone and thinking my words or writings could in some way actually help someone seems so absolutely obtuse.
Calling on the Archangels, having experiences with the Archangels is a paranormal experience that is so unrelated to any of the teachings or directives you received from any mundane religious interaction or other religious despot teachings.
Experiences happen and finding how to even understand what they are when or after they happen, interpret what they mean and incorporate any plan of action is cumbersome.
I studied various forms of craft, religion, philosophy and even looked into some conspiracy theory stuff to even scratch the surface of what happens to me, what it means, why it happens, is it real, am I just a fucking moron that is so mentally and fundamentally abnormal that all I will ever attain is torment?
After over 25 years of study I devised my own Archangel ritual. A ritual designed to call down the ArchAngels and their powers of protection and fruition. This ritual is specific for me and will only work for me, were anyone else to perform it as written, it would at best be ineffective, at worst bring unwanted changes and experiences into their lives. Specific wordings would need to be employed for each user of the ritual. So, I will not print here, offer here or anywhere for that fact.
You however do not need my ritual, or any other to contact these energies that are referred to as ArchAngels. You do not even need to know their names or what specific powers they each may possess, you simply need to cry out your need to them, even if you are not even sure what THAT is or how to state it.
Then look around and see, evaluate if something, anything has changed.
I forget this and begin denying my own experiences with these ArchAngels and other paranormal experiences and it takes me finding my old falling apart grimoire and it falling open to the Metatron page for me to even think of doing the ritual. Almost walk away when the book falls to the floor from my hand opening again to Ratzaiel. I do the ritual and in less than an hour I am being shown the ArchAngels have heard and are already on the job.
Make use of these powers! Scream out! Cry to the Angels!

 

[Rabhen]

After over 25 years of study I devised my own Archangel ritual. A ritual designed to call down the ArchAngels and their powers of protection and fruition. This ritual is specific for me and will only work for me, were anyone else to perform it as written, it would at best be ineffective, at worst bring unwanted changes and experiences into their lives. Specific wordings would need to be employed for each user of the ritual. So, I will not print here, offer here or anywhere for that fact.
You however do not need my ritual, or any other to contact these energies that are referred to as ArchAngels. You do not even need to know their names or what specific powers they each may possess, you simply need to cry out your need to them, even if you are not even sure what THAT is or how to state it.
Then look around and see, evaluate if something, anything has changed.
I forget this and begin denying my own experiences with these ArchAngels and other paranormal experiences and it takes me finding my old falling apart grimoire and it falling open to the Metatron page for me to even think of doing the ritual. Almost walk away when the book falls to the floor from my hand opening again to Ratzaiel. I do the ritual and in less than an hour I am being shown the ArchAngels have heard and are already on the job.
Make use of these powers! Scream out! Cry to the Angels!

As for feeling like I can, or should even try, to help another is absurd. My kudos to those on this site who have engineered a platform that at least attempts to allow full disclosure of self. I am fully aware however, that there may some on here who may choose to and have abilities to use this site to prevent those on here from succeeding, or to cause problems for those left behind, further, the thought that the entire site itself is a ruse and is actually run by 'sunshine up yer arsers', has crossed my paranoid mind. Paranormal shit happening can do that. Even when that paranormal shit is witnessed and I feel less looney tuney, I am in no way qualified to help anyone and thinking my words or writings could in some way actually help someone seems so absolutely obtuse.
Calling on the Archangels, having experiences with the Archangels is a paranormal experience that is so unrelated to any of the teachings or directives you received from any mundane religious interaction or other religious despot teachings.
Experiences happen and finding how to even understand what they are when or after they happen, interpret what they mean and incorporate any plan of action is cumbersome.
I studied various forms of craft, religion, philosophy and even looked into some conspiracy theory stuff to even scratch the surface of what happens to me, what it means, why it happens, is it real, am I just a fucking moron that is so mentally and fundamentally abnormal that all I will ever attain is torment?
After over 25 years of study I devised my own Archangel ritual. A ritual designed to call down the ArchAngels and their powers of protection and fruition. This ritual is specific for me and will only work for me, were anyone else to perform it as written, it would at best be ineffective, at worst bring unwanted changes and experiences into their lives. Specific wordings would need to be employed for each user of the ritual. So, I will not print here, offer here or anywhere for that fact.
You however do not need my ritual, or any other to contact these energies that are referred to as ArchAngels. You do not even need to know their names or what specific powers they each may possess, you simply need to cry out your need to them, even if you are not even sure what THAT is or how to state it.
Then look around and see, evaluate if something, anything has changed.
I forget this and begin denying my own experiences with these ArchAngels and other paranormal experiences and it takes me finding my old falling apart grimoire and it falling open to the Metatron page for me to even think of doing the ritual. Almost walk away when the book falls to the floor from my hand opening again to Ratzaiel. I do the ritual and in less than an hour I am being shown the ArchAngels have heard and are already on the job.
Make use of these powers! Scream out! Cry to the Angels!

As for feeling like I can, or should even try, to help another is absurd. My kudos to those on this site who have engineered a platform that at least attempts to allow full disclosure of self. I am fully aware however, that there may some on here who may choose to and have abilities to use this site to prevent those on here from succeeding, or to cause problems for those left behind, further, the thought that the entire site itself is a ruse and is actually run by 'sunshine up yer arsers', has crossed my paranoid mind. Paranormal shit happening can do that. Even when that paranormal shit is witnessed and I feel less looney tuney, I am in no way qualified to help anyone and thinking my words or writings could in some way actually help someone seems so absolutely obtuse.
Calling on the Archangels, having experiences with the Archangels is a paranormal experience that is so unrelated to any of the teachings or directives you received from any mundane religious interaction or other religious despot teachings.
Experiences happen and finding how to even understand what they are when or after they happen, interpret what they mean and incorporate any plan of action is cumbersome.
I studied various forms of craft, religion, philosophy and even looked into some conspiracy theory stuff to even scratch the surface of what happens to me, what it means, why it happens, is it real, am I just a fucking moron that is so mentally and fundamentally abnormal that all I will ever attain is torment?
After over 25 years of study I devised my own Archangel ritual. A ritual designed to call down the ArchAngels and their powers of protection and fruition. This ritual is specific for me and will only work for me, were anyone else to perform it as written, it would at best be ineffective, at worst bring unwanted changes and experiences into their lives. Specific wordings would need to be employed for each user of the ritual. So, I will not print here, offer here or anywhere for that fact.
You however do not need my ritual, or any other to contact these energies that are referred to as ArchAngels. You do not even need to know their names or what specific powers they each may possess, you simply need to cry out your need to them, even if you are not even sure what THAT is or how to state it.
Then look around and see, evaluate if something, anything has changed.
I forget this and begin denying my own experiences with these ArchAngels and other paranormal experiences and it takes me finding my old falling apart grimoire and it falling open to the Metatron page for me to even think of doing the ritual. Almost walk away when the book falls to the floor from my hand opening again to Ratzaiel. I do the ritual and in less than an hour I am being shown the ArchAngels have heard and are already on the job.
Make use of these powers! Scream out! Cry to the Angels!

Now, I am absolutely positive that many if not all of you think I am some kind of religious fanatic or all wrapped up in the pope or some such. Yeah, I am actually a Satanic Atheist. Look up the Tenets of The Satanic Temple and you will have a better grasp on my ideology. Basically, I am not scared of anyones Imaginary Friend, nor am I scared of that Imaginary Friends Imaginary Enemy, however due to my own inexplicable paranormal experiences, it would be reticent for me to conclude there is 'nothing' but 'nothing' before and after what the fuck ever this is I find myself trapped. So yes, the Satanic Atheist Witch Femaphrodyke talks to ArchAngels and bears witness to their existence and power.

So many things got me here and so many things led to the deletion of my account, then in my final despairation I called out to those energies that rescued me during the traumatic events of my childhood and again those allies set into action, behind the scenes, unseen, seemingly magickal.
Then looked at SS, without id, not logged in, not deciding yet to stay, to be here, to be on SS again, to be on this planet. After all, I am really tired of living my life having to always call on ArchAngels at the last minute when I am at my lowest points, and though they promised me my later life would make up for what happened to me when I was a child, the traumatic events haven't stopped and for fucks sake, I'm 58! How much longer I gotta wait to even have a fucking home? Over half my life homeless, Seriously! They may come to my aid but me thinks their promises of future relief is a ruse! Really not wanting to play this game anymore, ready to go play another one, off by mefuckingself.
Then I see a thread about someone journaling their last weeks and start reading. This person could be me. The way they write, the way they think, the shit they go through in their mind and how they portray that in writing, the way they eat or don't eat. I wanted to respond but could not without logging in and reactivating my account, so here I am.
So these will be my ramblings, for now, here and there, from time to time.
I do not trust this site or anyone on it, even if they truly have the best interest of others at heart and mind, shit seems to always happen, so yeah. Really what do you expect when I don't even trust the ArchAngels? But here I am and I will use this site while I can to document, to ramble, to learn and expand my thinking and not with the ideation that my writing can somehow help another, but with the sincerest desires that if they are read any other they bring about nothing adverse to anyone, including myself.

 

[Rabhen]

I have had to turn off all media for quite a while because I find it rather traumatizing. Too many triggers to my own traumas. Wars especially, constant, unending, restarting, renewing, overhereing now, overthereing now, everywhereing now keep my body in a constant tremor.
I grew up much more insulated than I ever realized and the true depth of my past niavetes still astound me. I found myself in my early twenties in Cairo married to a man in a marriage of conveinance that I had no idea was actually a marriage of conveinance, I thought it was love, but yeah, okay, mom and the docs were right, I really am a little retarded, I really do think in a different way and I sincerely did not realize just that it was only for conveinance that it was and nothing more. My unimportnce to the one I thought all important crushed my very soul. My terror upon realizing this forboding while alone, in a strange country, in a run down room, crumbling walls as tanks course through the streets, afraid to leave but threatened by an uncle in law to be pulled out naked into the street if I did not come to be placed into protection from the rioting police officers that my husband was already in underground protection from. It was great for my husband that my autism got me into the marriage and that same autism kept me alone all day at home while he worked with no phone, or contact with the outside world for weeks on end, but that same autism threatened my forced removal from my known home by an opposite sex in law that is major haramy that could send someone to hell. That was alot to put on poor little pregnant me. Needless to say, we did not last and eventually he found a strong woman. I know that because he called me and told me she was going to divorce him if he did not call me to apologize for not treating me well, as a woman deserves to be treated and for not honoring the woman in me as he should of as my husband and protector and asked for my forgiveness. Yes, she is the only reason I survived the plane crashing into the pentagon, she was raising my son, and she calmed ME down when I called her frantic as soon as I was able to get home.
I shake constantly with all this talk of war and I just need to keep the media off.
Channel flipping is challenging.
My entire point being, even if the ArchAngels, who are always late, they never show up and help when I am being attacked, how fucking awesome would that fucking be?, EVEN if the ArchAngels work things in my favor and all charges are dropped and a lawsuit brings enough money to get off the hotel circuit and actually have a home and that home is far enough away from everyone I should be all means be safe, shit still happens, all the time to me and I just cannot take anymore, it is especially disheartening to fully understand that my hubby would be so much better off without having me in his life, just like everyone else in my life has always been better off without me. My hubby is the only one that has put up with me and for the longest, 15 years, three years longer than anyone else including relatives. It is just time for me to go and maybe my going will get him something good for having to have put up with me.

 

[Rabhen]

I will post no 'goodbyes', no 'I am leaving soons', no 'I just don't want to be alones'. I cannot do that to another. I have made promises to my hubby that I am okay, which is not a lie. I may be here for weeks, I may be here for months, I may be gone tomorrow. One day, I will just, disappear.
As we all do.
Crying into the void in an attempt to quell unique aloneness can spin something onto someone else they may not be ready for and this should not be taken lightly. Experience is a cruel teacher and when the veil is ripped off the naive mind, it is not painless. Awareness of ones own past or even present naivety is the cruelest teacher of all.
When your words fall empty and disappear into the void the have been cast, goodbyes are meaningless.
When you realize that your words have been edited, changed, a post has actually been removed, one that refers to a belief system and set of tenets, yet the ones that actually talk about energies in christian judaic terms are left, it lends to my paranoia about who this site is actually controlled and run by.

 

[Rabhen]

Yeah, already, knew the hope would not last. There will be no justice for me during my life. Maybe after I am gone they will enact a law that actually removes the ability for the system to treat autistic people how they do, but it is not going to happen during my life. I am really tired of hearing what was done to you was wrong, is should not have happened and you definitely have a case but you won't get anything, so it is not worth us taking the case on unless you pay us, all that will happen is the charges get dropped. Really? So sick of this fucking system. I am done. Maybe there will be justice for my husband, he is not diagnosed autistic and everyone likes him, maybe once I am gone he can recoup some of the humliation we have suffered and he can get a home.

 

[Rabhen]

My words are lost into nothingness. ArchAngels offer only a reprieve. How can it be that all of these things have happened to me, everyone can agree are wrong, I have a case, yet none will take it for me. How can it be I suffer my entire life exactly rom the same reasons as another, yet because her abuser is a royal and through the coals yes, but she gets vindication and over and over remaining still, I here suffering from similar offenses, yet none can rescue me, none will offer help more than the vacantness of my own words, because my abusers coffers do not offer the same and my skin is too light, my words too strong, my cries too loud.
"Shut her the fuck up! Silence her! Lend her no aid!"
Fine.
I'm taking my balls, and I'm, going home.