My dad just visited me and it escalated extremely. In October college re-starts. Honestly, I am way way too ill for college. I study part-time and it still is hell on earth. Noone would have endured this more than one semester. I did it 5 semesters and I deteriorated mentally and physcially. The people in the clinic were shocked about my condition. I ordered SN some months ago. Death is preferable to college. I am pretty convinced of that. My dad gives very stupid advices. He always believes I had the wrong therapists. Bro I was at several different places we all come to the same conclusions. And then he blames me not to listen to his advices. He made me so fucking angry. I shouted at him. It was horrible for my mental health. And the thing is the next time he will come with the same arguments. He even pressured me to go with college. Despite the fact I told him I might kill myself if I have to go on with college. I consider that. I had to vent a lot. I cannot stand his pressure. Honestly, I already pressure myself in an insane way. I torture myself over the hopeless situation. And he just made everything worse.
If I have to go with such discussions frequently that certainly gives me more reasons to kill myself. I think it is time to give up on employment. If my parents don't support that well I have warned them. I don't want them to experience this. The suicide of their child. The situation is already unbearable. I cannot stand external pressure and I also told him how horrible this discussion for my mental health was.
I almost finished Brief Interviews with Hideous Men. This book is such a gem. The described men are despicable and this eased my own self-loathing.
So one book of my bucket list is finished. I plan to read 3 books before I kill myself. I have this interest in a woman in my self-help group. It is probably another love delusion. My plan is not to approach her. If she is interested she has to make the first steps. The last time I humiliated myself in front of another woman in my self-help group and I became acute suicidal because of it and ordered SN.
I think my family does not understand how serious my intentions are to kill myself. They should not pressure me. But I think they will do exactly that. I explicitly warned them. If they go on with pressuring me well I have less of a guilty conscience to go through with it.
Fuck my life. I think the answer is unemployment. But it will hurt like hell to leave college. I cannot bear to be a quitter. Especially with the external pressure that certainly will come over me. I am very sensitive with that. Always was. This is broke me during the child abuse. I am such a wreck.
If I have to go with such discussions frequently that certainly gives me more reasons to kill myself. I think it is time to give up on employment. If my parents don't support that well I have warned them. I don't want them to experience this. The suicide of their child. The situation is already unbearable. I cannot stand external pressure and I also told him how horrible this discussion for my mental health was.
I almost finished Brief Interviews with Hideous Men. This book is such a gem. The described men are despicable and this eased my own self-loathing.
So one book of my bucket list is finished. I plan to read 3 books before I kill myself. I have this interest in a woman in my self-help group. It is probably another love delusion. My plan is not to approach her. If she is interested she has to make the first steps. The last time I humiliated myself in front of another woman in my self-help group and I became acute suicidal because of it and ordered SN.
I think my family does not understand how serious my intentions are to kill myself. They should not pressure me. But I think they will do exactly that. I explicitly warned them. If they go on with pressuring me well I have less of a guilty conscience to go through with it.
Fuck my life. I think the answer is unemployment. But it will hurt like hell to leave college. I cannot bear to be a quitter. Especially with the external pressure that certainly will come over me. I am very sensitive with that. Always was. This is broke me during the child abuse. I am such a wreck.
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