I have soon exams and the pressure gets really bad. I feel pretty bad. It is torturous and tormenting. It is really painful to study this hard so consistently. Though I usually value my obsessions more than my inner feelings. The problem is my mind is quite fragile and could easily collapse. So I only study part-time otherwise I would have relapsed a long time ago. I have to take a lot of addictive medication to prevent a breakdown.
There are different reasons why I am so eager. Internalized self-hatred concerning studying due to child abuse is probably the main reason. But I also feel like an impostor all the time. I might have the best GPA of all students in my year. Though most of the exams simply consist of memorizing shit it is certainly not a proof for being exceptionally smart. First I wanted to make a thread with the name "When is it appropriate to feel intelligent and educated?". Because I feel like a fraud all the fucking time. I meet many people at college with worse grades and they think of themselves a lot, they are so self-confident and proud of their performance. For me my grades feel shallow and worthless. I once met a physics professor who did not consider me intelligent or educated at all. Quite the opposite and this really impressed me. Because this guy was in a different dimension to anyone I ever spoke to. Many therapists I met called me pretty smart and articulate. But this STEM professors spotted my weaknesses within seconds and could easily beat me in any debate. I think he disliked me so much because on the outside I often act like I was educated in many fields but my knowledge stems mostly from the media thus it is quite superficial.
This incident fueld my impostor syndrome so much. When I get good grades it feels good for like 1-2 days but then again I probably cannot work this is why they are pretty useless. I think the main drive of studying so hard is the fear of failure and punishment. It is not that difficult to deduce that there is a connection with the child abuse I endured. I am so fucking anxious about the exams. Some people told me many students with mental illness struggle with procrastination. For me it is rather the opposite. I have to stop me otherwise I would collapse due to the hard work which already happened twice. I struggle from severe OCD and I am neurotic as fuck. This ruins my life quality completely. Moreover there is a huge imbalance. The success of an almost perfect grade feels not satisfying. But when I have made some unnecessary mistakes I hate myself for it almost forever. I still remember some stupid faults that I made in the past and I sort of hate myself for it.
Sometimes in courses there is a competition with me and other students. And I often win. Though they don't know my advantage that I only study part-time this is why I try to hide any pride about a possible victory. On the other hand my mental illness is a big disadvantage in many instances. Though I became pretty good at effective studying. When I was young I studied like 10 hours a day while listening to music and other shit. That changed completely. I study usually between 4,5-5 hours but very concentrated. The rest of the day I try to save or regain energy.
I have the inner impulse to study till I collapse. To study extremely hard because I am not perfect. And studying can feel like a punishment. In therapies we tried to get rid of such patterns. And I made some progress. But the exam time is very burdensome for me and invokes self-hatred and even suicidality. I don't really have plans for the holidays. I have a very strong desire for a partner (usually during the exams) when they are over it gets better. My crush considers me fully nuts and it hurts pretty much that my psychotic brain ruined it early on once again. I wish I could find a partner during the holidays. Though I will probably be alone most of the time. Maybe I read another book of David Foster Wallace. I considered to ask my crush for a date. But I am like 99% sure she considers me mental because the first time we met I had psychotic symptoms. I think she considers me pathetic. I try to get over it. It hurts a lot but I cannot change the past I have to move on.
I feel kind of empty and I ask myself why I am working so hard. But most of it is totally pathological. I fucking hate the courses I had to choose this semester. And the next one will be similar annoying. I often cannot memorize things well when I hate the subject. And I have 3 semesters in a row only courses that I hate. I hope very much that I pass the exams otherwise I had very very huge issues. (I cannot take addictive medication in the holidays... but I think I won't elaborate on that). I could imagine my GPA will become worse after the exams. And I will despise myself for that fact. On the other hand my pleasure of getting better would be very constrained due to the fact this would mean I had to repeat such good grades to maintain my level. It is all an hamster wheel fueled by self-hatred and OCD. I just hate everything. But sometimes during the holidays I feel 5 minutes proud of myself while being aware that these grades cannot save me from committing suicide.
Fuck my life!
There are different reasons why I am so eager. Internalized self-hatred concerning studying due to child abuse is probably the main reason. But I also feel like an impostor all the time. I might have the best GPA of all students in my year. Though most of the exams simply consist of memorizing shit it is certainly not a proof for being exceptionally smart. First I wanted to make a thread with the name "When is it appropriate to feel intelligent and educated?". Because I feel like a fraud all the fucking time. I meet many people at college with worse grades and they think of themselves a lot, they are so self-confident and proud of their performance. For me my grades feel shallow and worthless. I once met a physics professor who did not consider me intelligent or educated at all. Quite the opposite and this really impressed me. Because this guy was in a different dimension to anyone I ever spoke to. Many therapists I met called me pretty smart and articulate. But this STEM professors spotted my weaknesses within seconds and could easily beat me in any debate. I think he disliked me so much because on the outside I often act like I was educated in many fields but my knowledge stems mostly from the media thus it is quite superficial.
This incident fueld my impostor syndrome so much. When I get good grades it feels good for like 1-2 days but then again I probably cannot work this is why they are pretty useless. I think the main drive of studying so hard is the fear of failure and punishment. It is not that difficult to deduce that there is a connection with the child abuse I endured. I am so fucking anxious about the exams. Some people told me many students with mental illness struggle with procrastination. For me it is rather the opposite. I have to stop me otherwise I would collapse due to the hard work which already happened twice. I struggle from severe OCD and I am neurotic as fuck. This ruins my life quality completely. Moreover there is a huge imbalance. The success of an almost perfect grade feels not satisfying. But when I have made some unnecessary mistakes I hate myself for it almost forever. I still remember some stupid faults that I made in the past and I sort of hate myself for it.
Sometimes in courses there is a competition with me and other students. And I often win. Though they don't know my advantage that I only study part-time this is why I try to hide any pride about a possible victory. On the other hand my mental illness is a big disadvantage in many instances. Though I became pretty good at effective studying. When I was young I studied like 10 hours a day while listening to music and other shit. That changed completely. I study usually between 4,5-5 hours but very concentrated. The rest of the day I try to save or regain energy.
I have the inner impulse to study till I collapse. To study extremely hard because I am not perfect. And studying can feel like a punishment. In therapies we tried to get rid of such patterns. And I made some progress. But the exam time is very burdensome for me and invokes self-hatred and even suicidality. I don't really have plans for the holidays. I have a very strong desire for a partner (usually during the exams) when they are over it gets better. My crush considers me fully nuts and it hurts pretty much that my psychotic brain ruined it early on once again. I wish I could find a partner during the holidays. Though I will probably be alone most of the time. Maybe I read another book of David Foster Wallace. I considered to ask my crush for a date. But I am like 99% sure she considers me mental because the first time we met I had psychotic symptoms. I think she considers me pathetic. I try to get over it. It hurts a lot but I cannot change the past I have to move on.
I feel kind of empty and I ask myself why I am working so hard. But most of it is totally pathological. I fucking hate the courses I had to choose this semester. And the next one will be similar annoying. I often cannot memorize things well when I hate the subject. And I have 3 semesters in a row only courses that I hate. I hope very much that I pass the exams otherwise I had very very huge issues. (I cannot take addictive medication in the holidays... but I think I won't elaborate on that). I could imagine my GPA will become worse after the exams. And I will despise myself for that fact. On the other hand my pleasure of getting better would be very constrained due to the fact this would mean I had to repeat such good grades to maintain my level. It is all an hamster wheel fueled by self-hatred and OCD. I just hate everything. But sometimes during the holidays I feel 5 minutes proud of myself while being aware that these grades cannot save me from committing suicide.
Fuck my life!
Last edited:
