Discussion College applications, insecurity, and envying the "exceptional"

[domedune]

I've started seriously thinking about college applications. Like most people, I want to get into the "best" schools. Like most people, I probably won't.

With my social anxiety as well as other conditions, I eventually stopped participating in formal extracurriculars unless forced. In Junior or Senior year was when I started trying to escape my mom. I went to the hospital for suicidal ideation. My mom and the intake person mocked me and my father and I was sent home. My mother and her friends kept me awake, mocking me and saying I was faking, in the guise of protecting me from myself. Eventually I was given the legal right to stay with my father and go to a new school. During the long process of trying to escape, due to the stress, I had given up trying to get good grades and resigned to going to a community college. I used to care about prestige but eventually I had no securities about going to a community college and to this day I don't regret it.

However, as I approach the end of my associate's degree, I'm thinking hard about how I will market myself to four-year institutions. My extracurriculars range from sparsely engaged with to unimpressive to potentially offensive (sometimes all three, like my participation here ). This is a problem, as I'm putting my self-worth into prestige again. Some of my worries are valid: I want to get the best education possible, so this is something I should be concerned about, even if said concern causes me stress. But a lot of the stress I'm causing myself is grossly insecure.

I am having more dreams about old classmates, and when I wake I have fantasized about meeting them at my dream university (not Ivy League but still very competitive). They would be attending Wherever U and I would be attending my cool school, which would show them I'm hot shit. I'm setting myself up for disappointment with fantasies like this. But fantasies about dick measuring with old classmates have been relatively easy to dismiss.

One of my current friends is going to an Ivy League. I didn't used to envy them. I was proud of them when they got accepted. But, we aren't such good friends anymore, we disagree on a lot of things, and sometimes, their attitude repulses me. They are exceptional. They're motivated, intelligent, charismatic, interesting, politically active... They've seen shit. The school they're going to is probably full of exceptional people like them. With exceptional opportunities and exceptional professors. I want access to a community like that, but I wouldn't be as envious if my friend was who I thought they were.

I used to think they were a great person—someone to trust and emulate. Any envy I would have otherwise felt was replaced with, "Damn, this person deserves it." But now that I know who they are, I feel sad. Exceptional people waste themselves saying and doing the worst shit, and then there's me. I should have tried harder to be exceptional. I'm not just doing myself a disservice. If had worked harder, maybe I could've been what my role models have failed to be. But I didn't. Even now, I could work harder, but will I?

Do you relate? Do you have insight? Thank you <3

 

[Ultracheese]

I'm so sorry about your experience and how you've been feeling. As someone who has recently gone through the college application process, hopefully, I can share some insight. I didn't get into any Ivys, but I got admitted to a couple of fairly prestigious schools. My main extracurricular is my work experience, which is not something a lot of colleges place a lot of value on sadly. While extracurriculars are a big deal for a lot of schools, the main factor is grades.

I get what you mean by wanting to be around and accepted by an exceptional community. I've been lucky enough to speak at an academic conference full of grad students and professors, and they were an incredibly intimidating crowd. It is understandable to not only want to be seen as impressive but also get into a "dick-measuring contest" as you put it.

I decided to check out some of your other posts here. You're a very intelligent and gifted writer. I'd argue that you're very exceptional. I admire your perspective and honesty. I'd say that's even more important than prestige. We unfortunately live in a society that values prestige over perspective, power over truth. You've struggled a lot and yet you're soon going to be completing an associate's, which a lot of people can't even do. I think you greatly underestimate how hard you work. I hope that wherever you decide to go for college, it will be a good fit for you and you'll be surrounded by a supportive, like-minded community with the resources you want and deserve.

 

[timf]

Many of the same social dynamics that drive the "elite" in high school still operate in the ivy league. Even further into government and the corporate world as well. The things you observe about your former friend that are unsettling are the same things that will be a barrier for your acceptance into that group.

I worked for a guy once who encouraged me to be more political at work and socialize with those who could aid my career. I told him I couldn't stomach that way of living. I would rather be known as the guy that no one liked, but could be counted on to get things done. My boss was able to get himself promoted up to the vice president level before he was let go.

You might find that a life seeking the approval of others unsatisfying. You might find building a life doing work you enjoy with people you can respect to be much more satisfying.

 

[Seiko]

This sounds like it was written by a younger me. I was obsessed with Ivy League and being in the "top one percent"—whatever that meant. My grades were my utmost priority, and eventually, I also went to the hospital for suicidal ideation after a situation with my mom. That setback killed off all my motivation, and my GPA went to shit. I thought there was no bouncing back and that I'd watch all my peers surpass me. Thoughts of "that could've been me if I had x" filled my mind to the point where I'd despise anyone bragging about their grades out of envy.

And even after that, I still went to (and am currently attending) my dream university. It's not over until it's over, and it's more likely than not you'll get in as a transfer student (bonus—they probably won't even look at your high school transcript). Even then, going to a community college first is objectively the smarter thing to do: you've probably saved a ton of money if you're using FAFSA, and if not, you tactfully completed all your prerequisites in a less competitive environment. In fact, I fucking savored the leisure and free time I had in community college. Even if I had to go through it all again, I'd still pick going to a community college first.

It's important to know that being gifted can be a curse. If you're constantly sizing yourself up against the achievement or credentials of others, I think you might've fallen victim to it. Being prestigious won't give you any more validation than you're able to give yourself currently. And I'm sure you've already heard this, but the only person you need to compete with is who you were yesterday. Perfectionism and comparison will rob you of joy and self-worth no matter where you're on the hierarchy. And I also think it's important to know that how you feel about your friend is probably how someone you know feels about you—and that continuum can go on forever.

I'm also not sure how to say it, but there's also a point where you need to get over yourself. Even if things were to go entirely according to plan, you still aren't inherently better than anyone else, regardless of your summa cum laude at x university. People who make bragging rights their personality come off as pretentious and snobby (and people can see right through it). Being a high-achiever is not a replacement for confidence, and having people envious of you is almost equivalent to having them hate you—it's not desirable. Also—a more competitive school does not necessarily mean higher quality education; at the end of the day, it's all for that piece of paper.

And lastly, you will become prestigious in your own way. Don't assume everyone else is impressed by the things you find impressive.

 

[domedune]

Thank you all for the replies. I'm feeling much better. I got bored of worrying about this so intensely, so I stopped, which sounds like a blessing but I'll also get bored of caring about stuff that does matter.

I'm not getting into my dream school and my admissions counselor told me not to try to apply to my dream backup school. I still might try. Oh well. I feel at peace with it for now.