Venting College and meaningless life

[demuic]

I'm failing assignment after assignment in most of my classes because I don't have the energy or willpower to do them. I probably have ADHD (I'm diagnosed with depression) but I don't have a diagnosis or anything so I can't get accommodations or anything to actually show I'm not just a lazy fuck who doesn't want to do work. I can't even bring myself to care. I feel like I've made one mistake after another. I'm in all this debt going to school during this shitty pandemic for what? I'm barely learning anything in any of these classes because they're basically on Zoom and I can't keep up with all the different assignments and recorded lectures and even with the ones that have an in person option, I don't have the will to get up and go anywhere except to get food.

I was on antidepressants months ago (Wellbutrin). That barely did anything. The only thing which actually seemed to help me (adding Rexulti) was not covered by insurance (once I was out of being commited from a past "suicide" attempt via prozac) so I had to switch to some replacement (Abilify) which literally did nothing. I did tell my previous psychiatrist about possibly having ADHD and he prescribed me Strattera which I also felt didn't really do anything. I couldn't get anything like Adderall (stimulants) without an actual ADHD diagnosis, which I couldn't find a way to affordably get in my area. Now I'm in a whole different state for college and I don't even know if I'll be able to get diagnosed here without any insurance (I'm not paying extra for student insurance, I'm already 30k+ in debt from this school and the previous school I transferred from.) Now I'm going to talk to a nurse at my school to see if they can prescribe me with something, and my advisor to see if I can drop one of my 5 classes to make things more manageable, but...........

All of this effort and putting my parents in debt and for what? I don't even know what career or job I would like to have in life. I have no marketable skills or interests. I would love to work in the video game industry, but I can't program, code, draw, 3d model or do anything else. I suck at math. I used to love writing, but I haven't been able to finish a story since I was probably 12 years old. I have bad social anxiety. There's nothing here for me to do. I can't even waste my time playing video games or watching anime anymore, I can't even bring up the will to do that, I'll try to watch something or play a game but quit after a few minutes just to mindlessly browse the web. I'm not good at anything.

I want to CTB so bad, I just need to acquire the means to do it. I only want to do it painlessly, so N or SN is what I'm hoping for. The only thing is that it would hurt my mother immensely to lose me, but what hurts even more is knowing I'm hear wasting space being a disappoint who is only a drain on their resources and will amount to nothing. My mom, so many people in school would always say I'm smart, I'll accomplish a lot, but it couldn't be further from the truth. What use is some "intelligence" if I'm a barely functioning human being who can't relate to anyone, has no drive to do anything? For a while, this feeling of actively wanting to CTB will go away, but it's only because I've managed to distract myself for a moment.

And what's funny, really the only thing that set this off the most for me was seeing one of my professors give me an "F" simply because I dared to express my opinion of dislike on a response to a reading assignment we had, which was basically a bunch of gibberish sociological mumbo jumbo. College professors are seriously a joke.. utter maniac control freaks.

If you've read all of this long rambling nonsense............ thanks

 

[blacktrain98]

I'm a depressive person with ADHD, and hearing this genuinely hurts my heart. I'm lucky enough to be able to put off this last credit I need for my degree at least until spring.

If you are seriously doubting your life path, I would consider looking elsewhere for education/experience. You don't have to make any choices or commitments, just look. There are trade schools for what you are interested in, community colleges for fucking around and getting gen ed credits, and even gap years can help you reevaluate things. Learn more about yourself during this period, and pull whatever strings you need. My opinion: I wouldn't let some punchable soc instructor have the trophy of breaking you. Do you have a good relation with your parents? Even if it's not ideal, are they potentially some people who could help, or not really?

Colleges are evil always, and especially in the time of COVID. I really wish you luck. This whole thing is a shitshow. You're seriously in my thoughts.

 

[PhilipBrush]

I also wanted to make a video game, but I sucked at math too. I got a C from calculus and physics. I had fun while learning to program with Unity but it was only a matter of time before I realized I was too dumb to make video games.

I had to change my career goal but there was nothing I wanted to do if I could not pursue my dream. I got immensely depressed and spent the entire college days just drawing cartoons or playing video games. I couldn't follow anything that goes on in classes. My GPA hit the bottom. I had no way to pay for my student loan. I tried to ctb but it failed, and ever since then I'm just wasting oxygen.

But think back, coding was really fun for me. Even though I sucked at programming, while I was doing that it kept me motivated. It's not likely to happen but if I manage to recover from my physical condition I want to do it again.

Have you ever tried to learn programming or game animation? If you've never done that then just think about doing it. It's a long shot but it might interests you. I know you're in a pretty bad place. It's totally reasonable for you to want to end your misery. But I also want you to think about the other options you can make.

 

[Squiddy]

I also am trying to learn how to program for video games, but feel too dumb and unmotivated to do it. I want to go back to college for my bachelor's next, but I'm unsure I'll be able to do it. I hope things work out for you. I also want to ctb bad, but don't want to hurt my family and friends, but I'm getting really sick of this pain.

 

[tidalwxves]

I'm failing assignment after assignment in most of my classes because I don't have the energy or willpower to do them. I probably have ADHD (I'm diagnosed with depression) but I don't have a diagnosis or anything so I can't get accommodations or anything to actually show I'm not just a lazy fuck who doesn't want to do work. I can't even bring myself to care. I feel like I've made one mistake after another. I'm in all this debt going to school during this shitty pandemic for what? I'm barely learning anything in any of these classes because they're basically on Zoom and I can't keep up with all the different assignments and recorded lectures and even with the ones that have an in person option, I don't have the will to get up and go anywhere except to get food.

I was on antidepressants months ago (Wellbutrin). That barely did anything. The only thing which actually seemed to help me (adding Rexulti) was not covered by insurance (once I was out of being commited from a past "suicide" attempt via prozac) so I had to switch to some replacement (Abilify) which literally did nothing. I did tell my previous psychiatrist about possibly having ADHD and he prescribed me Strattera which I also felt didn't really do anything. I couldn't get anything like Adderall (stimulants) without an actual ADHD diagnosis, which I couldn't find a way to affordably get in my area. Now I'm in a whole different state for college and I don't even know if I'll be able to get diagnosed here without any insurance (I'm not paying extra for student insurance, I'm already 30k+ in debt from this school and the previous school I transferred from.) Now I'm going to talk to a nurse at my school to see if they can prescribe me with something, and my advisor to see if I can drop one of my 5 classes to make things more manageable, but...........

All of this effort and putting my parents in debt and for what? I don't even know what career or job I would like to have in life. I have no marketable skills or interests. I would love to work in the video game industry, but I can't program, code, draw, 3d model or do anything else. I suck at math. I used to love writing, but I haven't been able to finish a story since I was probably 12 years old. I have bad social anxiety. There's nothing here for me to do. I can't even waste my time playing video games or watching anime anymore, I can't even bring up the will to do that, I'll try to watch something or play a game but quit after a few minutes just to mindlessly browse the web. I'm not good at anything.

I want to CTB so bad, I just need to acquire the means to do it. I only want to do it painlessly, so N or SN is what I'm hoping for. The only thing is that it would hurt my mother immensely to lose me, but what hurts even more is knowing I'm hear wasting space being a disappoint who is only a drain on their resources and will amount to nothing. My mom, so many people in school would always say I'm smart, I'll accomplish a lot, but it couldn't be further from the truth. What use is some "intelligence" if I'm a barely functioning human being who can't relate to anyone, has no drive to do anything? For a while, this feeling of actively wanting to CTB will go away, but it's only because I've managed to distract myself for a moment.

And what's funny, really the only thing that set this off the most for me was seeing one of my professors give me an "F" simply because I dared to express my opinion of dislike on a response to a reading assignment we had, which was basically a bunch of gibberish sociological mumbo jumbo. College professors are seriously a joke.. utter maniac control freaks.

If you've read all of this long rambling nonsense............ thanks

College isn't for everyone, academia isn't even necessary to successfully do the vast majority of jobs. It's not natural that everyone is expected to go. There are some options that exist outside of academic training. Maybe if you found a job that felt fulfilling it would make it worth it to live. I can't force your hand, you don't know me and obviously I know why we are all here the name of the website is clear lol. With that being said, it seems like your depression is very closely linked to your toxic environment, which leads me to believe things might turn around for you if you got of the hamster wheel of college and into something that fits you and your skills better. Maybe you can't actual program a video game, but since its something you are passionate about you could build a podcast or youtube or other place to talk about video games. Maybe you could find a job at a writers workshop and use that environment to build your skills. I hope this doesn't sound condescending, I don't mean it to be. I just think it good to have all your options laid out. Regardless of what you decide I hope you find peace

 

[demuic]

I also wanted to make a video game, but I sucked at math too. I got a C from calculus and physics. I had fun while learning to program with Unity but it was only a matter of time before I realized I was too dumb to make video games.

I had to change my career goal but there was nothing I wanted to do if I could not pursue my dream. I got immensely depressed and spent the entire college days just drawing cartoons or playing video games. I couldn't follow anything that goes on in classes. My GPA hit the bottom. I had no way to pay for my student loan. I tried to ctb but it failed, and ever since then I'm just wasting oxygen.

But think back, coding was really fun for me. Even though I sucked at programming, while I was doing that it kept me motivated. It's not likely to happen but if I manage to recover from my physical condition I want to do it again.

Have you ever tried to learn programming or game animation? If you've never done that then just think about doing it. It's a long shot but it might interests you. I know you're in a pretty bad place. It's totally reasonable for you to want to end your misery. But I also want you to think about the other options you can make.

I tried coding last semester (Python) and just barely got a B. Had no idea what I was doing in that class and I didn't learn anything. Now in another programming class (Java) which I'm failing and want to drop. I'll try and attempt to learn it when I get on medications or don't have 4 other classes to stress over. I did take a 3d modeling class last semester but my work was shit compared to everyone else in the class. It made me feel like even more of a failure.

I also am trying to learn how to program for video games, but feel too dumb and unmotivated to do it. I want to go back to college for my bachelor's next, but I'm unsure I'll be able to do it. I hope things work out for you. I also want to ctb bad, but don't want to hurt my family and friends, but I'm getting really sick of this pain.

Thank you. It is so painful.

College isn't for everyone, academia isn't even necessary to successfully do the vast majority of jobs. It's not natural that everyone is expected to go. There are some options that exist outside of academic training. Maybe if you found a job that felt fulfilling it would make it worth it to live. I can't force your hand, you don't know me and obviously I know why we are all here the name of the website is clear lol. With that being said, it seems like your depression is very closely linked to your toxic environment, which leads me to believe things might turn around for you if you got of the hamster wheel of college and into something that fits you and your skills better. Maybe you can't actual program a video game, but since its something you are passionate about you could build a podcast or youtube or other place to talk about video games. Maybe you could find a job at a writers workshop and use that environment to build your skills. I hope this doesn't sound condescending, I don't mean it to be. I just think it good to have all your options laid out. Regardless of what you decide I hope you find peace

It is a lot due to my toxic environment, but also my tiredness of living in this world, and in a mental prison. I hate all the cruelty and stupidity. I never asked to be here in this world, I just want to go. You're not condescending at all, thank you for your advice.

 

[Squiddy]

I tried coding last semester (Python) and just barely got a B. Had no idea what I was doing in that class and I didn't learn anything. Now in another programming class (Java) which I'm failing and want to drop. I'll try and attempt to learn it when I get on medications or don't have 4 other classes to stress over. I did take a 3d modeling class last semester but my work was shit compared to everyone else in the class. It made me feel like even more of a failure.



Thank you. It is so painful.



It is a lot due to my toxic environment, but also my tiredness of living in this world, and in a mental prison. I hate all the cruelty and stupidity. I never asked to be here in this world, I just want to go. You're not condescending at all, thank you for your advice.

None of us asked to be here in this world which sucks. I also want to get into 3d modeling again, but am after I'll do bad. I guess the key is to just keep practicing.

 

[PhilipBrush]

I tried coding last semester (Python) and just barely got a B. Had no idea what I was doing in that class and I didn't learn anything. Now in another programming class (Java) which I'm failing and want to drop. I'll try and attempt to learn it when I get on medications or don't have 4 other classes to stress over. I did take a 3d modeling class last semester but my work was shit compared to everyone else in the class. It made me feel like even more of a failure.

I had no idea what I was doing too! I took C and C# classes and got Cs. (What a joke) What I learn from classes is far from making video games. So I searched for online classes looking for languages that easy to learn and easy to make video games. I dabbled in C++ and Java. Didn't get much out from those but helped me understand a little bit better about object-oriented programming.

And that point I just got curious how many programming languages out there, so I tried to dabble on various ones. I guess I also had a hard time focusing on one thing at a time? So next thing I tried is Cocos2d, which is a framework for building games. I created this simple plane shooting game, it had a simple white plane, black background, physic equations that copied from the Internet and illegally downloaded music in it. It was a very crude and short game and took me about 3 weeks to make. But some folks saw my game and said this game has some sick atmosphere. And holy shit, the excitement I felt in the moment. I can never forget it.

I wish you could feel the same excitement I had. Just take online classes and try to make any simple game. It doesn't have to be good. No matter what you make you can do better next time. I don't think it's too late for you to keep try.

 

[almost_dead]

I'm failing assignment after assignment in most of my classes because I don't have the energy or willpower to do them. I probably have ADHD (I'm diagnosed with depression) but I don't have a diagnosis or anything so I can't get accommodations or anything to actually show I'm not just a lazy fuck who doesn't want to do work. I can't even bring myself to care. I feel like I've made one mistake after another. I'm in all this debt going to school during this shitty pandemic for what? I'm barely learning anything in any of these classes because they're basically on Zoom and I can't keep up with all the different assignments and recorded lectures and even with the ones that have an in person option, I don't have the will to get up and go anywhere except to get food.

I was on antidepressants months ago (Wellbutrin). That barely did anything. The only thing which actually seemed to help me (adding Rexulti) was not covered by insurance (once I was out of being commited from a past "suicide" attempt via prozac) so I had to switch to some replacement (Abilify) which literally did nothing. I did tell my previous psychiatrist about possibly having ADHD and he prescribed me Strattera which I also felt didn't really do anything. I couldn't get anything like Adderall (stimulants) without an actual ADHD diagnosis, which I couldn't find a way to affordably get in my area. Now I'm in a whole different state for college and I don't even know if I'll be able to get diagnosed here without any insurance (I'm not paying extra for student insurance, I'm already 30k+ in debt from this school and the previous school I transferred from.) Now I'm going to talk to a nurse at my school to see if they can prescribe me with something, and my advisor to see if I can drop one of my 5 classes to make things more manageable, but...........

All of this effort and putting my parents in debt and for what? I don't even know what career or job I would like to have in life. I have no marketable skills or interests. I would love to work in the video game industry, but I can't program, code, draw, 3d model or do anything else. I suck at math. I used to love writing, but I haven't been able to finish a story since I was probably 12 years old. I have bad social anxiety. There's nothing here for me to do. I can't even waste my time playing video games or watching anime anymore, I can't even bring up the will to do that, I'll try to watch something or play a game but quit after a few minutes just to mindlessly browse the web. I'm not good at anything.

I want to CTB so bad, I just need to acquire the means to do it. I only want to do it painlessly, so N or SN is what I'm hoping for. The only thing is that it would hurt my mother immensely to lose me, but what hurts even more is knowing I'm hear wasting space being a disappoint who is only a drain on their resources and will amount to nothing. My mom, so many people in school would always say I'm smart, I'll accomplish a lot, but it couldn't be further from the truth. What use is some "intelligence" if I'm a barely functioning human being who can't relate to anyone, has no drive to do anything? For a while, this feeling of actively wanting to CTB will go away, but it's only because I've managed to distract myself for a moment.

And what's funny, really the only thing that set this off the most for me was seeing one of my professors give me an "F" simply because I dared to express my opinion of dislike on a response to a reading assignment we had, which was basically a bunch of gibberish sociological mumbo jumbo. College professors are seriously a joke.. utter maniac control freaks.

If you've read all of this long rambling nonsense............ thanks

Dont depend on anyone . You can do it all by yourself . I have been in a similar situation but now i am "good" student with As and Bs

I had no idea what I was doing too! I took C and C# classes and got Cs. (What a joke) What I learn from classes is far from making video games. So I searched for online classes looking for languages that easy to learn and easy to make video games. I dabbled in C++ and java. Didn't get much out from those but helped me understand a little bit better about object-oriented programming.

And that point I just got curious how many programming languages out there, so I tried to dabble on various ones. I guess I also had a hard time focusing on one thing at a time? So next thing I tried is Cocos2d, which is a framework for building games. I created this simple plane shooting game, it had a simple white plane, black background, physic equations that copied from the Internet and illegally downloaded music in it. It was a very crude and short game and took me about 3 weeks to make. But some folks saw my game and said this game has some sick atmosphere. And holy shit, the excitement I felt in the moment. I can never forget it.

I wish you could feel the same excitement I had. Just take online classes and try to make any simple game. It doesn't have to be good. No matter what you make you can do better next time. I don't think it's too late for you to keep try.

I might have some experince with cocos2d and android develpoment . Glad to see somebody from the field here :)

 

[musicalpriest]

Hi! I made an account to reply to your post.

I am a bit older than you but I (27/F) am currently in graduate school and have the exact same feeling and even have a lot of similarities to the situation you described.

I went into this program because I honestly didn't know what else to do. I also feel like I'm not sure what I'm good at.

Anyways, like you, I also moved on campus and feel really isolated. I moved to a different state on top of it; they told us that classes would be in-person but they cancelled that the week before we got here.

I feel stuck here because my sister also lives at home and is really toxic. She's a heroin addict and has a 3 year old daughter that my parents are looking after. My parents barely ever speak to me either, and I quit my job to be here and I signed a lease.

It's a bad feeling, but I figured I'd post to say you are completely not alone!

I read some great advice today that pretty much went along the lines of, "Just think about pursuing something you could see yourself doing for the next couple of years". What could you see yourself committing to for at least a couple years? If you hate it after a couple of years, you can totally quit; as long as you commit to it for those two years.

I think that when I was younger people were always trying to say to "Do what YOU want to do", but I really didn't know how to execute that.

I hope this helps a little bit, but your post certainly made me feel less alone.

PS. My degree is also in the social sciences and it looks like we both moved out of our hometown and our state for the same reasons. I'm surprised we have so much in common!

 

[demuic]

Hi! I made an account to reply to your post.

I am a bit older than you but I (27/F) am currently in graduate school and have the exact same feeling and even have a lot of similarities to the situation you described.

I went into this program because I honestly didn't know what else to do. I also feel like I'm not sure what I'm good at.

Anyways, like you, I also moved on campus and feel really isolated. I moved to a different state on top of it; they told us that classes would be in-person but they cancelled that the week before we got here.

I feel stuck here because my sister also lives at home and is really toxic. She's a heroin addict and has a 3 year old daughter that my parents are looking after. My parents barely ever speak to me either, and I quit my job to be here and I signed a lease.

It's a bad feeling, but I figured I'd post to say you are completely not alone!

I read some great advice today that pretty much went along the lines of, "Just think about pursuing something you could see yourself doing for the next couple of years". What could you see yourself committing to for at least a couple years? If you hate it after a couple of years, you can totally quit; as long as you commit to it for those two years.

I think that when I was younger people were always trying to say to "Do what YOU want to do", but I really didn't know how to execute that.

I hope this helps a little bit, but your post certainly made me feel less alone.

They cancelled on you all just like that? Crazy!

Wow, my toxic sibling is also my sister, who has a daughter which my mom is basically raising for her. Though she isn't an addict, I think she's a narcissist (she's very "unstable" in general).

My "backup plan" which I thought about on occasion was to become a librarian. Though the problem with that is the aspect of interacting with people that requires, which is a problem due to my social anxiety.

Yes, it is quite difficult to do what I want when I don't know what that is! Thank you, it does help to know I'm not alone.

 

[musicalpriest]

Woah, that's so crazy. My parents are also raising my sister's daughter. My sister is a huge narcissist and the most toxic, unstable person I know. I don't know what is worse -- being here, living with complete strangers and with no friends, or being back with my parents with my sister living in their basement. I definitely relate to you in that you probably feel like you're between a rock an a hard place.

There's a lot of different things you could do. I would absolutely suggest that you make an appointment with the career services at your university. It's not too late or anything like that; you have all the time in the world.

Have you considered taking a gap year? There's all sorts of programs that could facilitate that, like AmeriCorps, Job Corps, Civilian Conservation Corps, Jesuit Volunteer Corps, etc.

 

[demuic]

Woah, that's so crazy. My parents are also raising my sister's daughter. My sister is a huge narcissist and the most toxic, unstable person I know. I don't know what is worse -- being here, living with complete strangers and with no friends, or being back with my parents with my sister living in their basement. I definitely relate to you in that you probably feel like you're between a rock an a hard place.

There's a lot of different things you could do. I would absolutely suggest that you make an appointment with the career services at your university. It's not too late or anything like that; you have all the time in the world.

Have you considered taking a gap year? There's all sorts of programs that could facilitate that, like AmeriCorps, Job Corps, Civilian Conservation Corps, Jesuit Volunteer Corps, etc.

Yes, a rock and a hard place is exactly how it is. It was the toxic way my mother enabled my sister's manipulative and narcissistic behaviors (which is still ongoing) which lead to my first stay in a psychiatric hospital following my "attempt."

I will try to do that, in my other thread I did say how I talked to my advisor (which didn't go so well in general) but she did mention that, though she hasn't followed up with an email for how I should do that, I'll have to find out on my own (as always).

As for a gap year and related programs, I could look into that, but with Covid and such I don't know how much will be available.

 

[woxihuanni]

Drop school, get a trade, get married. If you will live.

 

[musicalpriest]

Yes, a rock and a hard place is exactly how it is. It was the toxic way my mother enabled my sister's manipulative and narcissistic behaviors (which is still ongoing) which lead to my first stay in a psychiatric hospital following my "attempt."

I will try to do that, in my other thread I did say how I talked to my advisor (which didn't go so well in general) but she did mention that, though she hasn't followed up with an email for how I should do that, I'll have to find out on my own (as always).

As for a gap year and related programs, I could look into that, but with Covid and such I don't know how much will be available.

Funny, my mother completely enables my sister too. Do you think you'd go home if it weren't for your sister?

Usually you can talk to a career counselor through your school through career services. I'd just Google your school name + career services.

A lot of advisors are really trash. I use to be a college advisor before I started grad school and they are terrible at pointing students in a solid direction.

If you're interested in learning a trade, and you're under 24, I would definitely check out Job Corps. It doesn't hurt, and the program is completely paid for by the government with room and board. I think that some JC campuses are open right now with some precautions.

You also said that you were interested in coding. You could potentially do a gap year of AmeriCorps, and then use the Segal Education Award to do coding school. I know you said you felt you weren't good at it, but I currently have a friend who is going through coding school and I don't think it comes naturally to anyone off the bat for a few months.

I would suggest that you talk to somebody at career services through your school, take a few interest inventory tests, and then work with a career counselor.

 

[musicalpriest]

Drop school, get a trade, get married. If you will live.

How is this helpful advice?

 

[woxihuanni]

How is this helpful advice?

Money back guarantee if it is not helpful, what can I do?