Venting Close to Giving Up

[Freaknik]

About three years ago, I began posting on this forum because my life was going down the shitter. For the next two years after that, my life improved somewhat. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough to keep me chugging along and hoping for a better future.

Recently, I've relapsed into suicidal ideation again, and it's brought me to my knees. These current feelings are the most intense, crippling, and exhausting they've ever been. I'm the closest I've ever been to actually giving up in life, quitting my job and just passing the time before I finally decide to leave this place. Every moment is filled with thoughts of, "Am I ready to do it? What happens after death? Can I go through with it?" I've even drafted a note, and have individual notes planned for certain people in my life.

I have severe anxiety, depression and OCD, and it's made my life a living hell. My medication does nothing. I also struggle with my appearance, as I have jaw issues that affect my sleep quality and the way I look. No sleep is ever enough, and I'm a zombie during the day due to my exhaustion and fatigue from my poor sleep quality.

I had goals of getting into a relationship, getting married and having kids – I would likely adopt as I would not want my children to suffer mentally or physically like I do. But, reality seems to have reared its ugly head and stopped me in my tracks. I'm considering fentanyl as a way out, and I could get it locally if I wanted to pursue this route. I personally believe consciousness ceases after death, and I go between being fine with this, and being scared.

I'm seriously on the edge of giving up, and not passively like before. My mind is ready to go through with it this time. A few weeks ago, I was listening to music and, randomly, I was flooded with this feeling of acceptance regarding my suicide. It was a combination of numbness and a thought of inevitability, like suicide is on the table no matter what.

 

[CarbonBased]

Feeling like giving up, but also not being quite there is a shitty feeling. Perhaps somewhat unexpectedly, but being fully committed to one side is often easier no matter what that side is. I hope you find your way

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

About three years ago, I began posting on this forum because my life was going down the shitter. For the next two years after that, my life improved somewhat. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough to keep me chugging along and hoping for a better future.

Recently, I've relapsed into suicidal ideation again, and it's brought me to my knees. These current feelings are the most intense, crippling, and exhausting they've ever been. I'm the closest I've ever been to actually giving up in life, quitting my job and just passing the time before I finally decide to leave this place. Every moment is filled with thoughts of, "Am I ready to do it? What happens after death? Can I go through with it?" I've even drafted a note, and have individual notes planned for certain people in my life.

I have severe anxiety, depression and OCD, and it's made my life a living hell. My medication does nothing. I also struggle with my appearance, as I have jaw issues that affect my sleep quality and the way I look. No sleep is ever enough, and I'm a zombie during the day due to my exhaustion and fatigue from my poor sleep quality.

I had goals of getting into a relationship, getting married and having kids – I would likely adopt as I would not want my children to suffer mentally or physically like I do. But, reality seems to have reared its ugly head and stopped me in my tracks. I'm considering fentanyl as a way out, and I could get it locally if I wanted to pursue this route. I personally believe consciousness ceases after death, and I go between being fine with this, and being scared.

I'm seriously on the edge of giving up, and not passively like before. My mind is ready to go through with it this time. A few weeks ago, I was listening to music and, randomly, I was flooded with this feeling of acceptance regarding my suicide. It was a combination of numbness and a thought of inevitability, like suicide is on the table no matter what.

I seriously relate. I don't have much advice to offer, I apologize.

I relate in so many ways. Recent relapse into suicidal ideation, wanting kids but not wanting them to be like me in those regards, etc. The only place I really differ is that I somewhat like my job, even though I have disassociated a lot last week and my performance definitely dipped a noticeable amount (hoping my managers don't notice it, but I had some work fail tests and I don't know how that'll be viewed).

Anyways if you ever need someone to chat with, feel free to start a private conversation me (I often overlook private messages). I can't promise a speedy reply, I'm still pretty sporadic when it comes to visiting this site, but I will eventually reply.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I am 57 and have suffered on and off from the same mental illnesses you have. So I know the hell you are in. How have I lasted so long? I was able to have a decent life for years at a time with medication but eventually it always stops working. I did get married and had a great job. No children for reason you mentioned. My suicidal ideation was always passive 20's - 40's. But the last 3 years have been the worst and longest episode where I am actively considering everyday and planning. My brain is so tortured. At this age I have no hope. My future is bleak with the aging process and my unlucky genetics regarding illness. I am ready to go. My life is complete. I've done all I wanted to do.