Venting Cliche platitude "Don't compare yourself to others!"

[TAW122]

Growing up and through my experiences in life, activities I do, and many more, I oftenly come across such an annoying platitude, which is "Don't compare yourself to others!"

First off, I would assert that such a statement is not in line with reality and how the world works. Humans themselves are very comparative as well as competitive too, that is just reality and how the world works. In fact, in order to motivate someone to do something and become functional or successful in life (not in the sense of recovery, but just in about any facet of life, whether it is financial, social, educational, personal, or (you name it) area), one has to have a point of reference for a comparison to be made. Sure, metrics and how well (or poor) one does at a certain activity is relative to the comparison between the two (or multiple) targets. Without such metrics and reference points, one will be blind and unable to (realistically and accurately) gauge their performance. They (for all the time) could be blindly believing that they are success or good, but again success and good are relative terms that are subjective and only have meaning when they are put into context (actual comparisons).

For example, if someone wanted to become a professional baseball player and play well (on national teams and what not), obviously said person would have to compare themselves to other professional baseball players in order to see where the baseline is. What do I mean by baselines? A baseline is a standard, threshold, or minimum level of adequacy that one has to meet in order to succeed in whatever area, facet, or activity that one partakes in. Therefore (in this example) if someone wishes to become a professional baseball player, but fails to meet the baseline to just become one, then said person would not be able to become a professional baseball player.

Another example is when someone wishes to become good at a certain activity in a certain game. Let's say someone wishes to be good at raiding a boss in a video game, and their goal is to become the top 0.1% raiders in the video game itself. In order to do so, one would have to know what the 0.1% does to reach said levels of success, then follow their footsteps (strategies, training, practice, and more).

Just fyi, the examples that I give are not me, but just other people out in the world. But nonetheless, my point still stands, the platitude of "Don't compare yourself to others!" is oftenly misguided and disingenuous. Sure, if one's comparison is nonfunctional and not productive (in other words, dwelling on their shortcomings and not putting any "real" effort to improve or to try to remedy said situation.), then it could be detrimental to said person's mental health and sanity. However, to say that as a blanket statement is not helpful to the people who wish to improve and seek to achieve glory, greatness.

What are your thoughts and take on this? Have you ever experienced such statements epoused by common people in your day to day life?

 

[CTB Dream]

Ths complicat both true nit true depend context. One bett say compare do no compare self put ego etc ,thing need result compare math algo etc ok not self ,other hand compr self mean see age body etc diff, exmp some ppl gene body strong more

but sm part no need compare, no compare sufferia no compare express art etc, this all want diff. This all depend context smtm ok not

 

[StarlightDreamer]

What are your thoughts and take on this? Have you ever experienced such statements epoused by common people in your day to day life?

Speaking candidly, I don't get to talk to people often anymore. But when I did, I was sometimes given this advice in therapy sessions and self-help books.

I think the merit of it is dependent on context. The examples you have cited are both situations where mastery is easily quantifiable, and thus unsuitable for this advice.

On the contrary, one situation I can see it being more relevant is in matters of personal growth and individual expression. It would be a great detriment for an individual to perpetually define his character by his relation to other people, yet this is precisely the trap I fell into for years. I think the advice is warranted, in that respect.

 

[LastFlowers]

Yea, I just went on a rant regarding a similar quote the other day on here.

Such a silly phrase and especially odd considering that the only way this site and so many of its members are able to be demonized and summed up as certifiable is via comparison, lining us up against the supposed model of a healthy and happy human being.
"Why can't you be normal!? Why can't you be like so and so and love life!?"

Even those who were able to resolve their issues are quick to wag their fingers and demand an answer as to why the rest of us can't "be like them" and "recover".
It's all about comparison, in this sense or another.

Those who shout and insist upon this statement are the first ones to compare their audience to other people.

Even with shortcomings, it's natural to dwell on them if there is no legitimate way out and if they're a disadvantage that is negatively affecting your quality life.

 

[fearm0nger]

I agree with you completely. Unfortunately, due to means outside my control, I have found myself in an environment where even the things I genuinely enjoy doing, are contorted into something competitive and disgusting, it removes the inherent value the things have, as the focus shifts from enjoyment to (forced) performance.

Essentially, what I am faced with is the horrible subliminal insinuation that if I am not able to perform, then I do not deserve to do it in the first place, and the absolute worst part is that everyone else around me seems to be okay with it. The innate value and joy is sucked out of things and while I try to balance it out and still try to find joy in those things, it's getting very tiring to have this competition forced upon me and the things I would otherwise enjoy.

In my circumstance, and in the sociopolitical environment I am part of, this extends to everything else, and I'm starting to wonder if this might be a contributing factor to my sporadically resurfacing desire to CTB, but I digress.

 

[LastFlowers]

I agree with you completely. Unfortunately, due to means outside my control, I have found myself in an environment where even the things I genuinely enjoy doing, are contorted into something competitive and disgusting, it removes the inherent value the things have, as the focus shifts from enjoyment to (forced) performance.

Essentially, what I am faced with is the horrible subliminal insinuation that if I am not able to perform, then I do not deserve to do it in the first place, and the absolute worst part is that everyone else around me seems to be okay with it. The innate value and joy is sucked out of things and while I try to balance it out and still try to find joy in those things, it's getting very tiring to have this competition forced upon me and the things I would otherwise enjoy.

In my circumstance, and in the sociopolitical environment I am part of, this extends to everything else, and I'm starting to wonder if this might be a contributing factor to my sporadically resurfacing desire to CTB, but I digress.

Well said, unfortunately I can relate to your predicament.

 

[Csmith8827]

TL;DR...but you don't have to if you don't want to...life isn't a competition of any sort...life is life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree with you to a greater extent. It doesn't work in the real world. The more gifted and harder working person will get higher grades, the better candidate will get the job. It's just how it is. It's our version I suppose of 'survival of the fittest.'

Still- I suppose it depends on WHAT you are comparing. I think there can be great pressure to 'fit in' these days. To SEEM successful- flaunting wealth or looks- bigging yourself up on social media. I think this can lead to a whole lot of lieing for a start! Castles in the air type thing- which can actually make it pretty difficult to assess who ACTUALLY is achieving what they are saying they are. I think other people then fall into the trap of feeling the need to 'keep up' type thing. I'm not sure how much 'happiness' or sense of achievement can really be felt from pretending to be something that perhaps you're not.

Comparison isn't just about achievement- it covers everything about being human. It used to upset me comparing myself to attractive, slim, feminine women. Most especially when I had a crush on someone who had a thing for ballet dancers! I'd say I was 'naturally' or- comfortably rather- a tom boy. I've nearly always been overweight and even when I lost weight- I wasn't petite. I'm just not built that way. I tried to squeeze myself into the version of a woman I thought would impress him... it didn't of course. I actually had more confidence in myself being more socially acceptable in the way I looked. Still- I doubt it was actually all that good for me physically (menstruation stopped) or mentally- my crush was so obviously limerance. Sometimes- if we simply CAN'T achieve what we compare ourselves to- it can become crushing rather than inspirational.

I suppose it's just realism really. Take your baseball example. It's true- it would be pretty naive to put all your time, effort and money into it if it was clear you were never going to be good enough to earn a living from it. That's sensible to know your limits. Still- the fact that you won't be the best in the world shouldn't crush you all together. Presumably it's something the person enjoys- perhaps they just need to accept that they may need to do it more as a hobby and see how far they progress in lower leagues.

 

[Source Energy]

unfortunately life is a competition for everything. Who is more attractive, who is best at something, who earns more money, will get the girl/boy, job, house, so on. It is impossible not to compare yourself to others when you have goals. Comparison is the thief of joy, yes. But no way not to.

I am so exhausted and disgusted of this competition for everything. I started to see others as dangers who want to take from me all I have/love/want to have. One of the reasons I want outta here. Even the word "other" brings out negative feelings.

We compete even for the space we occupy. We constantly try to bypass one another and one is in the way. Even for being alive there is competition. Either the zebra escapes, or the tiger eats - who runs faster? (comparison) .

I hate this cruel game.

 

[TAW122]

Ths complicat both true nit true depend context. One bett say compare do no compare self put ego etc ,thing need result compare math algo etc ok not self ,other hand compr self mean see age body etc diff, exmp some ppl gene body strong more

but sm part no need compare, no compare sufferia no compare express art etc, this all want diff. This all depend context smtm ok not

Speaking candidly, I don't get to talk to people often anymore. But when I did, I was sometimes given this advice in therapy sessions and self-help books.

I think the merit of it is dependent on context. The examples you have cited are both situations where mastery is easily quantifiable, and thus unsuitable for this advice.

On the contrary, one situation I can see it being more relevant is in matters of personal growth and individual expression. It would be a great detriment for an individual to perpetually define his character by his relation to other people, yet this is precisely the trap I fell into for years. I think the advice is warranted, in that respect.

Yes, context indeed does matter. In the sense of one comparing oneself to others in a detrimental way (non-productive, non-functional) and not improving oneself, then I could see where the advice of "do not compare oneself to others" could apply. In that particular case, it would apply as a way for a person to not create additional stress and pressure and to make said person seek (some) relief from suffering internally; at least that's the intention..

Yea, I just went on a rant regarding a similar quote the other day on here.

Such a silly phrase and especially odd considering that the only way this site and so many of its members are able to be demonized and summed up as certifiable is via comparison, lining us up against the supposed model of a healthy and happy human being.
"Why can't you be normal!? Why can't you be like so and so and love life!?"

Even those who were able to resolve their issues are quick to wag their fingers and demand an answer as to why the rest of us can't "be like them" and "recover".
It's all about comparison, in this sense or another.

Those who shout and insist upon this statement are the first ones to compare their audience to other people.

Even with shortcomings, it's natural to dwell on them if there is no legitimate way out and if they're a disadvantage that is negatively affecting your quality life.

Essentially, these people (a good portion of them 'normies' or the average person, the masses, etc.) are hypocritical and/or lack critical thinking skills to be able to analyze common cliche phrases and only go by emotion and taking cliches and platitudes at face value..

I agree with you completely. Unfortunately, due to means outside my control, I have found myself in an environment where even the things I genuinely enjoy doing, are contorted into something competitive and disgusting, it removes the inherent value the things have, as the focus shifts from enjoyment to (forced) performance.

Essentially, what I am faced with is the horrible subliminal insinuation that if I am not able to perform, then I do not deserve to do it in the first place, and the absolute worst part is that everyone else around me seems to be okay with it. The innate value and joy is sucked out of things and while I try to balance it out and still try to find joy in those things, it's getting very tiring to have this competition forced upon me and the things I would otherwise enjoy.

In my circumstance, and in the sociopolitical environment I am part of, this extends to everything else, and I'm starting to wonder if this might be a contributing factor to my sporadically resurfacing desire to CTB, but I digress.

I can see that to be the case where a person who has/had a hobby, tried to monetize or (attempt to) do well in it, thus decreasing their passion for their once coveted hobby. I'm sorry to hear about how the competitiveness of humanity has driven your CTB ideations...

I agree with you to a greater extent. It doesn't work in the real world. The more gifted and harder working person will get higher grades, the better candidate will get the job. It's just how it is. It's our version I suppose of 'survival of the fittest.'

Still- I suppose it depends on WHAT you are comparing. I think there can be great pressure to 'fit in' these days. To SEEM successful- flaunting wealth or looks- bigging yourself up on social media. I think this can lead to a whole lot of lieing for a start! Castles in the air type thing- which can actually make it pretty difficult to assess who ACTUALLY is achieving what they are saying they are. I think other people then fall into the trap of feeling the need to 'keep up' type thing. I'm not sure how much 'happiness' or sense of achievement can really be felt from pretending to be something that perhaps you're not.

Comparison isn't just about achievement- it covers everything about being human. It used to upset me comparing myself to attractive, slim, feminine women. Most especially when I had a crush on someone who had a thing for ballet dancers! I'd say I was 'naturally' or- comfortably rather- a tom boy. I've nearly always been overweight and even when I lost weight- I wasn't petite. I'm just not built that way. I tried to squeeze myself into the version of a woman I thought would impress him... it didn't of course. I actually had more confidence in myself being more socially acceptable in the way I looked. Still- I doubt it was actually all that good for me physically (menstruation stopped) or mentally- my crush was so obviously limerance. Sometimes- if we simply CAN'T achieve what we compare ourselves to- it can become crushing rather than inspirational.

I suppose it's just realism really. Take your baseball example. It's true- it would be pretty naive to put all your time, effort and money into it if it was clear you were never going to be good enough to earn a living from it. That's sensible to know your limits. Still- the fact that you won't be the best in the world shouldn't crush you all together. Presumably it's something the person enjoys- perhaps they just need to accept that they may need to do it more as a hobby and see how far they progress in lower leagues.

Very thoroughly written. Yes, reality is quite different from what most people parrot off as 'truth' (to them), especially when they confront reality itself. I believe a lot of people don't try to question or critically think about the information they get from common knowledge and common platitudes. Also, yes, it is sensible for one to be in line with reality, knowing one's limitations and capabilities, and of course, being reasonable and not fight a losing battle. In fact, that's why phrases and platitudes like "Never give up", especially when used recklessly without regard to circumstances really irk me.

unfortunately life is a competition for everything. Who is more attractive, who is best at something, who earns more money, will get the girl/boy, job, house, so on. It is impossible not to compare yourself to others when you have goals. Comparison is the thief of joy, yes. But no way not to.

I am so exhausted and disgusted of this competition for everything. I started to see others as dangers who want to take from me all I have/love/want to have. One of the reasons I want outta here. Even the word "other" brings out negative feelings.

We compete even for the space we occupy. We constantly try to bypass one another and one is in the way. Even for being alive there is competition. Either the zebra escapes, or the tiger eats - who runs faster? (comparison) .

I hate this cruel game.

Yes, this is how the real world works, even if people openly (lie and) deny that that's how most species and even human beings act in reality. (Just about) everything is competition in the world, whether it comes to finances, social standing, education, and other categories of life itself. I too, hate this cruel game of toil and grind and constant comparison of this world.

 

[katagiri83]

but sm part no need compare, no compare sufferia no compare express art etc, this all want diff. This all depend context smtm ok not

Very true

 

[foreverfalling]

This is why I constantly escape into my day dream where I'm in a world with only me and another person that loves me. No comparisons as to what I should or shouldn't be doing, no one to take from me, no one to make me feel inadequate. I can just be, stare at the sky all day, and that is alright.

Not comparing yourself to others is an idealism, but the reality of being human is not so. Perhaps without intelligence it could be achievable. Like being a bee and just working for the colony. But our intelligence and self consciousness makes us think in paradoxes.

 

[pulsar]

Cliche platitude for sure and almost impossible not to do in this world. It still probably doesn't top the all time emotionally dismissive cliche, "Permanent solution to a temporary problem", though. I had one counselor ask me if I "Thought happiness was a choice", sure maybe if your problems are first world problems and you aren't stuck in the destitute depths of Maslows's hierarchy of needs.

 

[Meretricious]

This is one of the few platitudes in life, I've actually agreed with; and I know that's an unpopular opinion. Hear me out.

Every single human being that has ever existed, currently exists, and will ever exist, has a unique set of DNA make up. And, furthermore, every single person leads their own unique life. If both of these things are true - and they are - then how does it logically make sense to compare yourself to others? You do not have anyone else's exact set of opportunities and/or health complications, so how can you compare your life to someone else's? There are plenty more examples. True, fair, accurate, constructive, and meaningful comparisons are done amongst things with enough similarities to make them comparable. This is why we don't compare apples to oranges; yes they're both fruits, but they're not the same KIND of fruit and have many differentiating properties. Yes, humans are all part of the same species. But, not all humans are the same KIND of human and not all humans lead the same lifestyle; hence there is no comparison.

Even if you try to compare similar groups or demographics of people... you still have far too many variables for an accurate, worthwhile comparison to be made. Every single experience in one's life, helps shape it [life] for them. Several athletes can be on the same professional team, and yet, have had wildly different paths to get to the same destination. They also won't have the same level of aptitude, and every team member has their own role to play independently, helping to make up the team. I don't see anyone comparing the linemen to the wide receivers...

As long as you're comparing your life to someone else's, especially someone who's better off than you, you'll always be miserable and bitter.

There is one exception, though. One comparison that DOES make sense, when it comes to humans. You should only compare yourself to... YOURSELF. You should only be comparing who you were yesterday to who you are today, and who you will become tomorrow.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

This platitude is useless. Comparrisons are a natural thing in life. It's made when...

1. someone decides who gets the job over the other
2. when a person decides who to date if it's between 2 or more people
3. You'd compare job offers to decide which job you'd take.

Point is, comparisons are just natural. If we don't compare ourselves to others, then we don't know if we're really doing a good job in life.

 

[Superdeterminist]

These are usually the same idiots who will tell you that life is fair. I will never not compare myself to others. I will always care about how lucky or unlucky others get compared to me. Deliberately ignoring the disparities of life is pretty fucked up.

 

[TAW122]

It has been a while since I posted on this thread, but recently I had some more examples that come to mind to show why this statement is illogical and stupid. Furthermore, I aim to prove that pro-lifers (especially the platitude pushers and ideal optimists) are disingenuous and don't even know their own lines.

Take the example of the homeless person, many people will look down on said person saying that said person isn't successful and is struggling in life. Yet at the same time, normies and pro-lifers (the majority of them) will claim that nobody should compare themselves to others and just be themselves, which of course, only means that people remain ignorant of their circumstances. This results in said homeless person thinking that this is life and this is acceptable (in other words, living from meal to meal, not having a stable abode or place to stay, and other basic needs unmet), even though most people know that is just not true. So for the homeless person, according to the "don't compare yourself [or oneself] to others" advice, perhaps this is all he/she can get and he/she is oblivious to what success is as he/she did not make the comparison to know how much he/she is missing out nor does he/she know his/her potential.

Granted this is a much more extreme example, but the point still remains. When people do not compare themselves to others, there is simply just no way in hell they would know where they stand, let alone the benchmark and standards in which they must meet in order to remain competitive or be able to get to places in life. These reddit threads pretty much convey my point pretty clearly. Here is one talking about how in the real world, people DO compare to others in order to get by in the real world. Then there is another one about college and education. I could give more examples, but I think these highlight about how disingenuous and contradictory the masses (including the people who are successful) tell others who DO want to thrive to NOT thrive and not be successful (by giving them BAD advice). Of course, these "successful" people would never admit that their success, in addition to luck, and hard work, also includes comparison among their peers and similar circles (depending on the activity, field, etc.). Such hypocrisy and double-standards, but I digress.

Just fyi, I found r/unpopularopinion from searching fringe and uncommon stances in hopes to find the true and honest answer back in the days (like 2015/2016 or so). I'm glad that I have found such subreddits as they talk about topics that most people don't talk about, especially those that are honest and genuine, rather than the fake, bullshit platitudes that people shove to others faces.

Anyways, I get very angry whenever I hear such useless drivel spewed by the masses, which not only contradicts their behavior, how the real world (reality) works, and also induces further suffering towards people who are already struggling in life in general. I wished they would just be fucking honest and come out to say, yes competition is a part of nature and just part of life. (Note: This is not saying that life is good nor is it aimed at recovery, but rather just pointing out the inconsistencies and fallacies that pro-lifers hold).