Schnipsel
Member
- Jun 30, 2024
- 31
I haven't posted in quite some time. I haven't gotten better, but more and more my circumstances make me think I'm no longer in a position to attempt again.
My current plan was to overdose on one of my medications, or alternatively on some chemicals from work. It's not as "peaceful pill" as SN supposedly is, but again trying to get my hands on some without anyone noticing seems to not be worth the reward.
But honestly, I doubt I can go through with it atm.
My current bf is very caring and it'd probably devastate him if I ctb and I don't wanna ruin another live. Already ruined my own. I have another friend who's really close and she's already highly unstable.
It feels like cause I failed to successfully ctb over and over back then, I'm now in a position where I can't attempt anymore.
I'm thinking of ways to lessen the impact to the people around me, by thinking of some ways that could plausibly be viewed as an accident, cause that way there's no chance my bf would blame themself or think they had any influence on me deciding to ctb (they don't, if anything they've made my existence slightly more bearable. Not enough to stop thinking about ctb, but that's still more than a single human should reasonable be able to), because that's the thing I'm most afraid of happening.
There's been some periods of hope in the last couple of years, but in the end nothing ever really got better. My medical transition never really went anywhere and I just can't take the dysphoria anymore.
My current plan was to overdose on one of my medications, or alternatively on some chemicals from work. It's not as "peaceful pill" as SN supposedly is, but again trying to get my hands on some without anyone noticing seems to not be worth the reward.
But honestly, I doubt I can go through with it atm.
My current bf is very caring and it'd probably devastate him if I ctb and I don't wanna ruin another live. Already ruined my own. I have another friend who's really close and she's already highly unstable.
It feels like cause I failed to successfully ctb over and over back then, I'm now in a position where I can't attempt anymore.
I'm thinking of ways to lessen the impact to the people around me, by thinking of some ways that could plausibly be viewed as an accident, cause that way there's no chance my bf would blame themself or think they had any influence on me deciding to ctb (they don't, if anything they've made my existence slightly more bearable. Not enough to stop thinking about ctb, but that's still more than a single human should reasonable be able to), because that's the thing I'm most afraid of happening.
There's been some periods of hope in the last couple of years, but in the end nothing ever really got better. My medical transition never really went anywhere and I just can't take the dysphoria anymore.
