Discussion Chronic suicidal ideation, desensitisation to the topic of death and difficulty relating to the average person

[thatlatealready]

Is anyone else here extremely desensitised to the topic of death?

I find the distress surrounding the subject is pretty much gone. I can describe in detail my plans for suicide, talk about it in a joking manner, and seem overall completely cool. I've been sat in the hospital after attempting and seemed so unbothered I was discharged to go home to attempt again. I no longer experience a strong fear of dying or of whatever happens in the great beyond. I know my life will end and I'm okay with that. Death in general no longer bothers me. I see it as a natural part of existence, not something to be feared.

It's so bad I have difficulty discussing the topic without laughing. I just find there to be some great irony in my entire situation and how incredibly edgy I sound. When I take a step back from it all, my existence and feelings are pretty funny to me.

I don't know how to react when others are upset by my suicidal ideation. I find it shocking when other people become uncomfortable or start crying; this is such a baseline part of my reality that I'm surprised that other people still see it as frightening and taboo.

I can't even remember the first time I was suicidal. I think it started after seeing my mum attempt when I was three or four, but I can't say for certain. I can't imagine life without at least being okay with the idea of being hit by a bus, or waking up with a terminal illness. I've thought of suicide or dying everyday for as long as I can remember. I can't see myself going in any other way than by my own hand. Wanting to die isn't at all scary for me anymore.

Sometimes I forget that to most people being a suicide attempt survivor is a big deal, let alone surviving multiple attempts. Most people will never try to kill themselves. I can't imagine what it's like in their heads.

I don't know if this is dissociation caused by trauma, or if this is just a part of what comes with being long term suicidal, so I'm wondering if anyone else here feels the same way?

 

[lpfx]

I can absolutely empathize with you on this.

I do not fear death, nor have I in a very long time. Talking about it in such an ironic sense with endless jokes to be made.
I've ran into the same issues with people getting very upset at the topic in conversation with entire demeanors changing in an instant while I fail to understand why it's such a big deal in the first place and being unable to get how it could affect someone's mood so greatly when it's me that I'm talking about.

The topic is still taboo and likely will remain to be.

 

[BloomingStrella]

I'm also desensitized to the topic of death. I've had to learn to respect the fact that it's distressing to a lot of people, since often people get mad at me for joking about how I'm going to kill myself. It's just not a big deal for me at all. I could die at any time, whether by heart attack or ctb, and be perfectly fine with it. It makes me seem really edgy to people who aren't desensitized to it, but tbh I find it can be relaxing and almost even therapeutic to casually joke about such a taboo topic.

 

[milkandcoffee]

Yep. I relate a lot. I'm not scared of death. I've spent years waiting for it, why would I be scared?

 

[7thundercloud]

Is anyone else here extremely desensitised to the topic of death?

I find the distress surrounding the subject is pretty much gone. I can describe in detail my plans for suicide, talk about it in a joking manner, and seem overall completely cool. I've been sat in the hospital after attempting and seemed so unbothered I was discharged to go home to attempt again. I no longer experience a strong fear of dying or of whatever happens in the great beyond. I know my life will end and I'm okay with that. Death in general no longer bothers me. I see it as a natural part of existence, not something to be feared.

It's so bad I have difficulty discussing the topic without laughing. I just find there to be some great irony in my entire situation and how incredibly edgy I sound. When I take a step back from it all, my existence and feelings are pretty funny to me.

I don't know how to react when others are upset by my suicidal ideation. I find it shocking when other people become uncomfortable or start crying; this is such a baseline part of my reality that I'm surprised that other people still see it as frightening and taboo.

I can't even remember the first time I was suicidal. I think it started after seeing my mum attempt when I was three or four, but I can't say for certain. I can't imagine life without at least being okay with the idea of being hit by a bus, or waking up with a terminal illness. I've thought of suicide or dying everyday for as long as I can remember. I can't see myself going in any other way than by my own hand. Wanting to die isn't at all scary for me anymore.

Sometimes I forget that to most people being a suicide attempt survivor is a big deal, let alone surviving multiple attempts. Most people will never try to kill themselves. I can't imagine what it's like in their heads.

I don't know if this is dissociation caused by trauma, or if this is just a part of what comes with being long term suicidal, so I'm wondering if anyone else here feels the same way?

Yes I think most people are, at least most of this generation. I think social media has a big part to do with it, a lot of us joke about suicide but its one of the leading causes of death amongst people 15-24. I am definitely desensitized to the topic but, not for myself if that makes sense. I still cry thinking about how much I want to die, but when I hear it from other people I don't feel much. It's weird. Maybe because I can't tell whos serious and whos not.