For clarification, I don't intend on hurting myself. I just need to get these thoughts out, and I don't know where else to do it without judgment.
Also forgive typos where they may be, I can't really type, and apples dictation kind of sucks.
I don't really know where to begin, I'm just so tired and sad. I really want to live and enjoy life, but I don't know if it's in the cards for me. A year ago I injured my hands playing video games of all things, wish it was less embarrassing but here we are. For those curious, I have a repetitive stress injury. Think carpal tunnel, except it's not localized to your wrist. The pain and tension travels, and cannot be fixed by surgery (aside from a cyst removal I had early last year). My tendons and nerves in my hands and arms are fucked. And unless I do constant stretches, have a stringent diet, it'll all collapse. Doing the stretches are incredibly hard, as overexerting myself and setting myself back is easy.
But even with those things in perfect alignment, I hardly see any improvement.
After months of going through doctors, and finding zero answers I ended up spending the past four months on other side of the country, seeing the best (only) specialist for it. And while they are helpful, it's really not enough. Not to mention the treatment collectively cost me well over $50,000.
I was good for a while, but sometimes even the smallest activities will set it off. I can't work anymore, and I can't enjoy my hobbies anymore. I feel genuinely lost, looking for something else to fill in the void.
It's just exhausting and tiring, and nobody fucking understands. I don't wanna go away, but I'm so tired and I just want it to be done.
Being on the spectrum is the other kick in the head. I'm predestined to be an outcast, underperform in my career path, struggle with relationships, and deal with constant anxiety & burn out. Just in an effort not to be ridiculed.
And it's so fucking hard keeping all the bottled up thoughts about suicide in your head, out of fear that you'll get put in a white room and put on the list that'll make your life even worse. That's what terrifies me more than anything, which is why I need to be explicitly clear even in here, that I do not plan on hurting myself.
Also forgive typos where they may be, I can't really type, and apples dictation kind of sucks.
I don't really know where to begin, I'm just so tired and sad. I really want to live and enjoy life, but I don't know if it's in the cards for me. A year ago I injured my hands playing video games of all things, wish it was less embarrassing but here we are. For those curious, I have a repetitive stress injury. Think carpal tunnel, except it's not localized to your wrist. The pain and tension travels, and cannot be fixed by surgery (aside from a cyst removal I had early last year). My tendons and nerves in my hands and arms are fucked. And unless I do constant stretches, have a stringent diet, it'll all collapse. Doing the stretches are incredibly hard, as overexerting myself and setting myself back is easy.
But even with those things in perfect alignment, I hardly see any improvement.
After months of going through doctors, and finding zero answers I ended up spending the past four months on other side of the country, seeing the best (only) specialist for it. And while they are helpful, it's really not enough. Not to mention the treatment collectively cost me well over $50,000.
I was good for a while, but sometimes even the smallest activities will set it off. I can't work anymore, and I can't enjoy my hobbies anymore. I feel genuinely lost, looking for something else to fill in the void.
It's just exhausting and tiring, and nobody fucking understands. I don't wanna go away, but I'm so tired and I just want it to be done.
Being on the spectrum is the other kick in the head. I'm predestined to be an outcast, underperform in my career path, struggle with relationships, and deal with constant anxiety & burn out. Just in an effort not to be ridiculed.
And it's so fucking hard keeping all the bottled up thoughts about suicide in your head, out of fear that you'll get put in a white room and put on the list that'll make your life even worse. That's what terrifies me more than anything, which is why I need to be explicitly clear even in here, that I do not plan on hurting myself.
