Chronic illnesses are like a lifelong prison sentence, where only the sufferer can see their own shackles.

[LastLoveLetter]

My life is little more than a hollow shell, any meaning that could have existed has long been scooped out. I eat, shit, sleep - all with substantial struggling - and that is it. It has reached a point where that is all I can manage right now. Were it not for this forum, I would have no outlet or connection to the world beyond my bedroom.

Even the mere act of being awake involves excessive energy, as though there is an invisible leech slowly sucking the life out of me day after day, feasting on my will to stay alive.

I am mostly bedbound, and going to the toilet feels like an achievement. A shower is a luxury, one often out of my grasp due to disabilities, chronic pain and fatigue, along with anhedonia, dissociation and utter hopelessness. Last time I showered, it took me three and a half hours, with breaks at frequent intervals to avoid falling or fainting. It is a laborious task requiring extensive exertion during and afterwards. By the time I have dried off and dressed myself, I am so soaked with sweat that I may as well have never bothered at all.

My physical and psychological illnesses all combine to create this constant intolerable torment. Every moment and every movement is a considerable challenge and everything I do must be carefully calculated, to fend off further fatigue and pain.

But no-one in my life understands this. No-one comprehends or accepts how debilitating my disabilities truly are, or how profoundly they impact every aspect of my life. They cannot fathom how unbearable it is to live with a plethora of diagnosed and undiagnosed illnesses, both physically and psychologically, with no effective treatment.

I have encountered so much gaslighting, ignorance and neglect from medical professionals that I have given up on the prospect of getting any substantial help. It is always the same, unsolicited cookie cutter advice from every doctor, every therapist, every friend and every stranger:

"Go for a walk."
"Lose some weight."
"Try X [insert medication, a type of diet, a supplement, yoga, mindfulness etc.]"

How am I supposed to go for a leisurely stroll or utilise exercise to lose weight if I am physically incapacitated to the point of being bedridden? How am I supposed to do anything if I cannot function or manage the absolute bare minimum? How is mindfulness or multivitamins going to cure my permanent physical disabilities, CFS/ME, chronic pain, Complex PTSD and everything else that is ravaging my body and brain with every breath I take?

I am not only sick of being sick, I am sick of being imprisoned by my own flesh, in these invisible shackles that only I seem to see. I am sick of being misunderstood and patronised by people who do not know the first thing about my life or the hellish misery I contend with every day. I am sick of being expected to do the exact same things that able-bodied, healthy and neurotypical people do with no problems and no support. I am sick of being expected to thrive in a society that was never built for the ill, the disabled and those who do not abide by the status quo. I am sick of knowing that the only key that will unlock these shackles is death, but being told that I must live no matter what, that I will get better (despite only ever experiencing deterioration), that I must fight and conquer my conditions. I am sick of hearing that I am too young to die, as though my anguish and pain and suffering only matters if I live to some momentous milestone, with no consideration for my capacity to survive another several decades or for the staggering deterioration and loss of basic dignity I will endure in this time. I am sick of being told that life is a gift, when it has felt far more like a curse, one that was thrust upon me through no choice of my own.

I am sick of being burdened by this life, and of my life being a burden. I just want to go to sleep. I want to curl up in a comfy bed with my cat purring on my chest and the only person I love holding my hand and go to sleep, for the very last time. But no. This society is an anti-choice, anti-death and anti-euthanasia conglomerate that would rather I die alone, afraid and potentially in pain - after a life of mostly fear, isolation and suffering - rather than calm, comforted and at peace.

I cannot find peace in life, and I will only ever suffer as my health declines. All I want is to have autonomy and choice regarding my own body. All I want is to die with dignity. All I want is to rest in peace. Why is that too much to ask?

 

[S like suicide]

You are so deeply right!!!i'm so sorry for all the suffering and pain you have to endure every day...i would like to hug you tight<3

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I feel ya, gurl. No matter what the SJWs say, our society is not truly enlightened and progressive if it doesn't allow a painless death to its members,

 

[Tncfef]

Fuck Society !!

 

[HelloHell]

This is so right. I cant even find words to explain how tired I am with this thing called life. You expressed it perfectly. Thank you for sharing

 

[lugerepair]

I want to curl up in a comfy bed with my cat purring on my chest and the only person I love holding my hand and go to sleep, for the very last time.

That sounds lovely.

 

[succor]

I am very much in the same boat as you- bedridden, having to be bathed by my partner because I am unable to do so myself, in constant pain both physically and mentally, feeling burdensome to myself and everyone around me. I wish you peace and happiness in your heart even if it's just for a little bit, better if even longer, but I know that's difficult. You are seen and you are heard. You do not struggle alone.

 

[TooConscious]

It wasn't so much my illnesses, it was the total lack of disregard compassion from not only the medical establishment but other factions of society just tell you to get on with it... And that would be fine of those fucks actually stood by their ideals, but they're the ones who cry out for help when they have a little cold.

 

[Jumping_realms]

I think my close family and friends can see I am in agony, but you are absolutely correct!

I think only I can see my "shackles" and the severity of the trauma, pain and misery etc., that those shackles so tightly hold. No-one else what so ever. I've had dozens of therapists, Dr.s etc., to essentially give up on the specialists. Only we alike that suffer deeply can understand each other, and even then, not fully. Obviously, individual issues are all different regardless if everyone is wanting tp CTB or not.

That's why I have to overlook how loved ones will feel after I commit. Even If they knew the extent of my psychological misery and the literal decades of suffering until my 40s, how could that allow someone like a parent come to terms with that in any way? I have one that already blames herself, but that's what I want the most is for her to know it's not her fault in the least. It may be harsh, but If that's not possible, at least I will know nothing of the issues or any issues for that matter. That's the point of me CTB in the first place, would rather just make it as easy as possible for others. I'm 100% fine with the decision.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can certainly be cruel. With health problems there is also no limit as to how bad it can get and our own bodies are capable of torturing us. People who haven't been through it will never understand themselves. Society pushes for quantity instead of quality lives, expecting us to live no matter what which is cruel. a right to die is very important, preventing decades of suffering. We need more compassion in this society.

 

[Symbiote]

Feels like I'm a prisoner of Azkaban with the dementors hovering above me slowly taking my soul away for hours on end. Wish they would just give me a fatal blow to get it over with.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hi Persephone.

You're a very good writer, absolutely spectacular words.

Even if I wouldn't understand you by being in the same boat as you, I would just by the way you describe your pain. I wonder why people wouldn't get it.

Society is selfish.
"Deads receive more flowers than the living, because regret is stronger than gratitude"

Grieve is a strong emotion that people don't want to deal with it.
We seem to be just carrying the weight that the world does not want to carry.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I initially wrote a longer response but ended up deleting it, some of it will form part of my final letter anyway.

Instead, I just wanted to say thank you. To everyone who took the time to read and respond to this post. To those who ever read and replied to any of my posts. To members who sent supportive private messages.

Without this community, I suspect I would have died by now but in terrifying, excruciating circumstances. Worse yet, I could have failed another attempt with dire consequences. This place has given me a boost to keep me going a little longer, as well as the resources to ensure I die reliably (and - hopefully - somewhat peacefully).

Thank you. This community consists of many wonderful people who deserved so, so much more than the cards they were dealt. I wish everyone the very best and peace (whether that's in life or death), and my last goodbye will be soon

 

[greyhound]

That was beautifully written. So sorry you're going through such hell. I've said myself that many chronic illness sufferers would be better off with a prison sentence. At least in prison you know you're going to get out in 10 years or whatever. With these illnesses it really never ends. You sound worse off than me, but I can't even tolerate being in my body much longer. It's been 25 years of this so far and it's only gotten worse. It has been a nightmarish struggle to try to work and function. There really is no support for the disabled unless you fall into very specific buckets. Everyone else is just left to twist in the wind.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

It is so heartbreaking how much you have to endure, everytime I read one of your posts I am left speechless and appalled by how the world has treated such a kind soul.

It always takes me awhile to figure out how to respond, because I can't seem to conjure up any words that would accurately reflect how sorry I am that this nightmare is happening to you.

No one should have to experience this. You are an articulate and talented person, who deserves to be free of these shackles and treated like a human being rather than a prisoner.

As always, I find solace in your words. My situation isn't as dire as yours yet, but even then, I can't see myself trudging onwards much longer, marching into a battle that I'm destined to lose from the starting gun.

I know how awful it is to lose your independence and ability to do tasks that the majority will take for granted.

Showers are an absolute basilisk for me too, although my current state allows me to stand long enough to finish washing up.I always dread it though. Especially the period after a shower where I have to collapse on the bed and lie down until the dizziness subsides.

So I can understand how frustrated you must be. These challenges are something a normal person could never comprehend. Until they see the world through our eyes, they will not realize how a chronically ill existence is akin to Sisyphus pushing boulders for eternity.

We toil away, sweat, grind ourselves to the very bone, with no reward in sight, no fulfillment at the end of the tunnel. Our constant struggles are compared to temporary maladies and hardships- momentary lapses of reason in an otherwise stable state of being.

Their minds simply cannot process the knowledge that for people like us, the disparaged, the disabled, and the desperate, there is no victory lap in sight. Only mundane agony awaits us under the shackles of current technology.

The chains that weigh us down will continue to be regarded as invisible, as long as chronic illnesses are mocked and belittled by the medical community. It is a hell I would wish on no one. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and none of this suffering.

 

[NormaJeane]

Chronic pain and illness can be worse than a deadly disease, because then we will suffer for many years before we die. And what about the handicapped?

 

[MZ18]

I too have an incurable autoimmune disease. It is tough because people see me mostly as a healthy 37 year old male. I have lost contact with all so called "friends" and most family because they think it's all in my head. I'm going to ctb in two weeks. This forum has at least let me know I am not alone. I feel for ya

 

[sanguineblade]

i have a lot of chronic severe health issues and disabilities myself and my body is a suffering a prison and no one can understand me
i feel u and can relate

 

[TooConscious]

Most male doctors won't help another man and will over see his severe problems intentionally knowing it will harm him.

Because its the human fight, to destroy others so there's more chance of themselves mating with more of the opposite sex. That's how petty our sick evil species is that you think intelligence means kindness and empathy...?... It's the exact opposite. Doctors caused alot of my pain because of the medical negligence, leave you trying to function as normal human, like a car with a broken engine, the damage gets worse, faster when it tries to run when something shouldve been put properly in place.

Humans love others suffering.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I'm sorry for your condition and I completely understand your experiences with the little emotional support that you get from people. Unluckily people cannot feel the pain of the others and they can only acknowledge it visually; it's too boring for most them to take a closer look into the life of someone who is suffering. Even though some of them would cry when they watch an emotional movie, or they would get all protective against the mistreatment of animals.

That's easily demonstrated also if you check online petitions. Often the ones with most signatures are the ones from happy people against medical experimentation on animals or similar; but the ones in support of untreatable medical conditions have little success.

I am having the same experience as you; although not bedridden, I have some severe limitations of the freedoms I can take. Every damn year my managers at work bully me because I'm planning holidays with delay with respect to other colleagues. I always hear them saying: take a long break, it's nice weather, go to a sunny location; all your colleagues have already planned since long, why are you different?
Truth is that I am not in the physical condition to travel, and I cannot expose myself to sun.
I'm constantly patching myself up due to a chronic condition.
So I try to keep my holidays for those days when I'm exhausted and my health is suffering from it.
And even though I have told my managers plenty of times, they keep treating me like if I'm just a difficult person.

It feels like this world imposes the mentality and the rules of healthy people to everyone. They will keep sucking everything they can out of the unhappy people, to make themselves more successful and to be able to replace them.
If you don't belong to that group, you will be considered a psychologically difficult person and everyone will take distances.

 

[Meliæ]

I have a chronic pain issue. I have also a fatigue syndrome. I absolutely feel the same. My whole existence is a struggle

 

[sanguineblade]

Chronic pain and illness can be worse than a deadly disease, because then we will suffer for many years before we die. And what about the handicapped?

it's 100% worse, i wish i could have gotten cancer instead and die rather than what i have now

 

[tgfm]

Yes. That is so true. It feels like being trapped in a body that is slowly torturing you in a way that won't kill you, but you wish it would. I fear living more than dying.

 

[BridgeJumper]

This has been my reality for 2 years now.
I have an extremely rare condition that the only treatment for is surgery. There are holes in my inner ears, and its so rare that doctors only discovered it exists about 20-30 years ago, around the time I was born. Without the surgery that's so prohibitely expensive I would need to sell my apartament and just live in the streets to afford it, I have no hope of ever being normal again. My whole life is constant physical pain, and all doctors managed to do was gaslight me into symptoms of PTSD through all the painful tests that showed nothing wrong with me (until I got the most specialized tests) and all the times telling me Im faking it, I'm just crazy, overdosing me on psychiatric medication to make my 'mental' symptoms go away (spoiler alert, they didnt). I am sick of this shit and thinking about applying to Dignitas. No hope of ever living on my own or getting a job, will never go to a care home because I value my dignity. Nah....This is a hellscape. Curse, like you said. No one will ever understand, how am I gonna explain to a normal person I hear the blood inside my brain and vibrations in the walls anyway its like explaining the colour blue to a blind person....

 

[Midgardsorm]

This has been my reality for 2 years now.
I have an extremely rare condition that the only treatment for is surgery. There are holes in my inner ears, and its so rare that doctors only discovered it exists about 20-30 years ago, around the time I was born. Without the surgery that's so prohibitely expensive I would need to sell my apartament and just live in the streets to afford it, I have no hope of ever being normal again. My whole life is constant physical pain, and all doctors managed to do was gaslight me into symptoms of PTSD through all the painful tests that showed nothing wrong with me (until I got the most specialized tests) and all the times telling me Im faking it, I'm just crazy, overdosing me on psychiatric medication to make my 'mental' symptoms go away (spoiler alert, they didnt). I am sick of this shit and thinking about applying to Dignitas. No hope of ever living on my own or getting a job, will never go to a care home because I value my dignity. Nah....This is a hellscape. Curse, like you said. No one will ever understand, how am I gonna explain to a normal person I hear the blood inside my brain and vibrations in the walls anyway its like explaining the colour blue to a blind person....

Wow, friend. I'm sorry too. It must be really difficult.

Does this problem have any kind of medical name?

Doctors and a lot if people are, unfortunately, master of ignoring people's pain.

If you don't mind me asking, why is the surgery so expensive?

 

[BridgeJumper]

Wow, friend. I'm sorry too. It must be really difficult.

Does this problem have any kind of medical name?

Doctors and a lot if people are, unfortunately, master of ignoring people's pain.

If you don't mind me asking, why is the surgery so expensive?

Superior canal dehiscence syndrome
They need to drill my skull and open my brain to get into the inside of my ear and patch the hole. No one in my country will do it.

 

[Midgardsorm]

As ever, everything with the suffix "Syndrome" is completely ignored and doctors believes that it can be cured by some kind of Chi power through meditation.

It would almost be funny if it weren't so sad and annoying.

I hope you find someone who can do it, for a better price and do a good job of course.
Or at least that you find peace.

Peace is a strong word here. It's like we are asking too much.

 

[Wrennie]

My life is little more than a hollow shell, any meaning that could have existed has long been scooped out. I eat, shit, sleep - all with substantial struggling - and that is it. It has reached a point where that is all I can manage right now. Were it not for this forum, I would have no outlet or connection to the world beyond my bedroom.

Even the mere act of being awake involves excessive energy, as though there is an invisible leech slowly sucking the life out of me day after day, feasting on my will to stay alive.

I am mostly bedbound, and going to the toilet feels like an achievement. A shower is a luxury, one often out of my grasp due to disabilities, chronic pain and fatigue, along with anhedonia, dissociation and utter hopelessness. Last time I showered, it took me three and a half hours, with breaks at frequent intervals to avoid falling or fainting. It is a laborious task requiring extensive exertion during and afterwards. By the time I have dried off and dressed myself, I am so soaked with sweat that I may as well have never bothered at all.

My physical and psychological illnesses all combine to create this constant intolerable torment. Every moment and every movement is a considerable challenge and everything I do must be carefully calculated, to fend off further fatigue and pain.

But no-one in my life understands this. No-one comprehends or accepts how debilitating my disabilities truly are, or how profoundly they impact every aspect of my life. They cannot fathom how unbearable it is to live with a plethora of diagnosed and undiagnosed illnesses, both physically and psychologically, with no effective treatment.

I have encountered so much gaslighting, ignorance and neglect from medical professionals that I have given up on the prospect of getting any substantial help. It is always the same, unsolicited cookie cutter advice from every doctor, every therapist, every friend and every stranger:

"Go for a walk."
"Lose some weight."
"Try X [insert medication, a type of diet, a supplement, yoga, mindfulness etc.]"

How am I supposed to go for a leisurely stroll or utilise exercise to lose weight if I am physically incapacitated to the point of being bedridden? How am I supposed to do anything if I cannot function or manage the absolute bare minimum? How is mindfulness or multivitamins going to cure my permanent physical disabilities, CFS/ME, chronic pain, Complex PTSD and everything else that is ravaging my body and brain with every breath I take?

I am not only sick of being sick, I am sick of being imprisoned by my own flesh, in these invisible shackles that only I seem to see. I am sick of being misunderstood and patronised by people who do not know the first thing about my life or the hellish misery I contend with every day. I am sick of being expected to do the exact same things that able-bodied, healthy and neurotypical people do with no problems and no support. I am sick of being expected to thrive in a society that was never built for the ill, the disabled and those who do not abide by the status quo. I am sick of knowing that the only key that will unlock these shackles is death, but being told that I must live no matter what, that I will get better (despite only ever experiencing deterioration), that I must fight and conquer my conditions. I am sick of hearing that I am too young to die, as though my anguish and pain and suffering only matters if I live to some momentous milestone, with no consideration for my capacity to survive another several decades or for the staggering deterioration and loss of basic dignity I will endure in this time. I am sick of being told that life is a gift, when it has felt far more like a curse, one that was thrust upon me through no choice of my own.

I am sick of being burdened by this life, and of my life being a burden. I just want to go to sleep. I want to curl up in a comfy bed with my cat purring on my chest and the only person I love holding my hand and go to sleep, for the very last time. But no. This society is an anti-choice, anti-death and anti-euthanasia conglomerate that would rather I die alone, afraid and potentially in pain - after a life of mostly fear, isolation and suffering - rather than calm, comforted and at peace.

I cannot find peace in life, and I will only ever suffer as my health declines. All I want is to have autonomy and choice regarding my own body. All I want is to die with dignity. All I want is to rest in peace. Why is that too much to ask?

What you've written resonates with me on such a profoundly personal level... It's like we're both entrapped in a virtually identical daily torture simulation (personalized to our own unique sets of circumstances in order to ensure maximum suffering). I am so unfathomably sorry that this is your reality, just as I am sorry that I too cannot escape from the bindings of my own shackles.

My physical disabilities make it so I'm bedbound nearly 24/7 every day as well. I dread getting up to go to the bathroom or showering (and just about any form of movement in general) due to a multitude of residual musculoskeletal deformations I sustained from a severe fall that have significantly altered the biomechanics of my body, and the unavoidable nerve/muscle damage from a required operative procedure (of which I'm convinced I'll inevitably require many more of down the line). I have a crushed spine and a giant titanium rod embedded in my femur. I despise standing, bending, sitting, and walking... all of which I've come to learn are a complete necessity in order for a person to lead a normal, functional & enjoyable life.

I also have a rare form of autoimmune encephalitis (PANDAS) that I've been afflicted with since I was a mere toddler (but went undiagnosed until I reached age 17 in spite of a plethora of doctors' visits), Distal Axonal Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy as a consequence of chronic untreated Lyme Disease (and they believe that the tick-borne infection is still present within my body), autonomic nervous system dysfunction, ungodly nerve pain in my extremities, Essential Tremor, and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia that is so severe that a blood pressure monitor literally couldn't detect anything after I stood upright for a neurological assessment and I had to be positioned against the wall so as not to fall over. My network of neurologists are even convinced that there is much more physiologically wrong with me than what we have identified so far (as though what I currently have on my plate isn't already punishment enough), and thus I have more upcoming tests scheduled. In addition, our new Insurance is presently refusing to cover the one drug that has worked for me in the past to help prevent my progressive & incurable nervous system disorder from advancing because it is a 10,000 USD weekly IVIG infusion.

I haven't even touched upon the CPTSD & psychological aspects of my torment (but it's so extensive that I'd never be able to cover all of it). Unknowingly living with a rare/unknown encephalitic condition in my brain for my entire life and being treated like an utter aberration whenever I behaved erratically (even though variations of those exact same behaviors I exhibited were later proven to universally manifest for anyone afflicted with the disease). Being trafficked and drugged by CPS at the age of 10 when my attendance to school dropped due to my utter inability to perform academically (since my immune system was literally attacking my brain). Being put in a group home where the adults would physically harm the children and being forced to fall asleep to their unholy screams which resounded from the 'confinement area' located a floor beneath the bedrooms, and knowing that it could very well be me in that position if I were to step out of line. Watching as a fellow child/friend I made there who was significantly emaciated (due to their godawful food) cried out that she couldn't breathe as an obese adult woman sat on her and laughed that she was "exaggerating" despite her face turning purple, and then ordering me not to interfere & to go back to my bedroom, and then having to live with the guilt that I followed her orders. Being tortured with the knowledge that legally CPS could keep me entrapped there until I reached age eighteen and I might never get to return home to my family unless I "acted the part" and worked to suppress all my symptoms of PANDAS, and obediently kept swallowing the dangerous prescribed chemicals that were inhibiting my cognitive & physical development and further interfering with my capacity to think/exacerbating my pre-existing neurological symptoms. In fact, the drugs ultimately chemically castrated me and made it so that a sex drive never emerged upon my entering puberty. NOT that I need or even want one anymore... Surely there's nothing that makes a person "hornier" than knowing that they're destined for the grave (though It certainly isolated me from my peers even further during my teen years). Later on I was also assaulted at the age of 14 by two adult male individuals in positions of power (not in a sexual manner) and forcibly crammed in a cramped broom closet... but I'd rather not push myself to recall that experience in full detail since I'd repressed it for so long.

I am required to reconcile with my psychological traumas in addition to my physical traumas indefinitely, without any respite, and it's completely overloaded me. I have exhausted all of my soul's bandwidth, and it's as though there's nothing more left of me to give.

True to what you've stated, "being young" serves as an impervious barrier to obtaining a dignified death (even from Right to Die organizations), in spite of the fact that disease favors NO ONE. Young or old, the sickly will suffer. Youth is a curse because I am required to endure such tortures for an exponentially longer duration due to the subjective morals of able-bodied strangers that aren't remotely familiarized with my ordeal.

I am completely codependent on my parents for my survival. It is an impossibility for me to survive without aid. Rather than eventually be relegated to a care home and stripped of my freedoms, I would much rather choose death. But what I want doesn't matter in the eyes of the majority. They will forever dangle my right to bodily autonomy above my head, consistently out of reach.

I want to die peacefully & surrounded by loved ones at home, like the DOG exampled in this video:


I'm sorry if this response comes across as though I'm making this all about me. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and that I adore your posts on here because they flawlessly hit the nail on the head every single time.
Much love to you.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

i feel like its near impossible to enjoy life when you have to think through your every movement and the most simple tasks become challenges you have to TRY to do, instead of just doing it effortlessly while you think about other things. its what normal, able bodied people take for granted. freedom of movement and comfortability is so important, and since we're not all clearly "disabled", people dont recognize the constant suffering we go through physically and mentally. and when its chronic? its a life sentence of misery. we shouldnt be expected to thrive or be content under these conditions, but we are since most people cant relate or straight up doubt our struggle. we're surviving, not living, and for that reason i feel it isnt worth it to keep going and going... just for the sake of "surviving"?? so, hurting and struggling more?? but regular people with zero physical/mental issues swear that life is WORTH it!!!!..... lmao.

ok incoherent spiel over, its 4 am

 

[Midgardsorm]

What you've written resonates with me on such a profoundly personal level... It's like we're both entrapped in a virtually identical daily torture simulation (personalized to our own unique sets of circumstances in order to ensure maximum suffering). I am so unfathomably sorry that this is your reality, just as I am sorry that I too cannot escape from the bindings of my own shackles.

My physical disabilities make it so I'm bedbound nearly 24/7 every day as well. I dread getting up to go to the bathroom or showering (and just about any form of movement in general) due to a multitude of residual musculoskeletal deformations I sustained from a severe fall that have significantly altered the biomechanics of my body, and the unavoidable nerve/muscle damage from a required operative procedure (of which I'm convinced I'll inevitably require many more of down the line). I have a crushed spine and a giant titanium rod embedded in my femur. I despise standing, bending, sitting, and walking... all of which I've come to learn are a complete necessity in order for a person to lead a normal, functional & enjoyable life.

I also have a rare form of autoimmune encephalitis (PANDAS) that I've been afflicted with since I was a mere toddler (but went undiagnosed until I reached age 17 in spite of a plethora of doctors' visits), Distal Axonal Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy as a consequence of chronic untreated Lyme Disease (and they believe that the tick-borne infection is still present within my body), autonomic nervous system dysfunction, ungodly nerve pain in my extremities, Essential Tremor, and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia that is so severe that a blood pressure monitor literally couldn't detect anything after I stood upright for a neurological assessment and I had to be positioned against the wall so as not to fall over. My network of neurologists are even convinced that there is much more physiologically wrong with me than what we have identified so far (as though what I currently have on my plate isn't already punishment enough), and thus I have more upcoming tests scheduled. In addition, our new Insurance is presently refusing to cover the one drug that has worked for me in the past to help prevent my progressive & incurable nervous system disorder from advancing because it is a 10,000 USD weekly IVIG infusion.

I haven't even touched upon the CPTSD & psychological aspects of my torment (but it's so extensive that I'd never be able to cover all of it). Unknowingly living with a rare/unknown encephalitic condition in my brain for my entire life and being treated like an utter aberration whenever I behaved erratically (even though variations of those exact same behaviors I exhibited were later proven to universally manifest for anyone afflicted with the disease). Being trafficked and drugged by CPS at the age of 10 when my attendance to school dropped due to my utter inability to perform academically (since my immune system was literally attacking my brain). Being put in a group home where the adults would physically harm the children and being forced to fall asleep to their unholy screams which resounded from the 'confinement area' located a floor beneath the bedrooms, and knowing that it could very well be me in that position if I were to step out of line. Watching as a fellow child/friend I made there who was significantly emaciated (due to their godawful food) cried out that she couldn't breathe as an obese adult woman sat on her and laughed that she was "exaggerating" despite her face turning purple, and then ordering me not to interfere & to go back to my bedroom, and then having to live with the guilt that I followed her orders. Being tortured with the knowledge that legally CPS could keep me entrapped there until I reached age eighteen and I might never get to return home to my family unless I "acted the part" and worked to suppress all my symptoms of PANDAS, and obediently kept swallowing the dangerous prescribed chemicals that were inhibiting my cognitive & physical development and further interfering with my capacity to think/exacerbating my pre-existing neurological symptoms. In fact, the drugs ultimately chemically castrated me and made it so that a sex drive never emerged upon my entering puberty. NOT that I need or even want one anymore... Surely there's nothing that makes a person "hornier" than knowing that they're destined for the grave (though It certainly isolated me from my peers even further during my teen years). Later on I was also assaulted at the age of 14 by two adult male individuals in positions of power (not in a sexual manner) and forcibly crammed in a cramped broom closet... but I'd rather not push myself to recall that experience in full detail since I'd repressed it for so long.

I am required to reconcile with my psychological traumas in addition to my physical traumas indefinitely, without any respite, and it's completely overloaded me. I have exhausted all of my soul's bandwidth, and it's as though there's nothing more left of me to give.

True to what you've stated, "being young" serves as an impervious barrier to obtaining a dignified death (even from Right to Die organizations), in spite of the fact that disease favors NO ONE. Young or old, the sickly will suffer. Youth is a curse because I am required to endure such tortures for an exponentially longer duration due to the subjective morals of able-bodied strangers that aren't remotely familiarized with my ordeal.

I am completely codependent on my parents for my survival. It is an impossibility for me to survive without aid. Rather than eventually be relegated to a care home and stripped of my freedoms, I would much rather choose death. But what I want doesn't matter in the eyes of the majority. They will forever dangle my right to bodily autonomy above my head, consistently out of reach.

I want to die peacefully & surrounded by loved ones at home, like the DOG exampled in this video:


I'm sorry if this response comes across as though I'm making this all about me. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and that I adore your posts on here because they flawlessly hit the nail on the head every single time.
Much love to you.

I almost couldn't read your post to the end. Had to stop and lie down a little, just thinking about the pain you had endured.

It is almost like all the problems of the world fell upon you.
I couldn't even think straight for a long time and still can't. I felt pain in my entire body, felt dizzy, I could simply feel all the pain you said and you actually didn't even described how it is and I would prefer that you don't, please.

There's simply nothing for me to write here, nothing at all. No words I can offer for you, for Kuri, for Persephone and for a lot of other people here like JustJudah, Journeytoletgo and a lot of others that I had the pleasure to meet, because all of you are heroes, this universe is not big enough to contain how beautiful everyone of you are

There's a lot that I wish to say here but it's something that would not heal any of your pain, take away not a second of what you went through and are still enduring.

Just how did you guys do it? And you manage to threw a little joke during your post. And I thought I could joke around even when things were bad.

I'm nothing compared to you. I wish I could sacrifice myself. If it could at least take away some of your pain, all of you deserves all energy I have left, which it does seem much for me, but I'm probably don't even know what I'm talking about.

I'm sorry everyone, sometimes I brag about my life here, but I'm probably an ungrateful fool.

I lost a lot and had having really a bad day today, simply thinking about my life and now ... I just wish I could do something to help and I can't.