For now, I choose to live
I am in so much pain with tinnitus that I very quickly stopped giving a shit about how my life used to be. I no longer mourn it, I no longer blame myself for what happened or think of what-ifs. I am in 100 percent pure survival mode
I told everyone I intended to kill myself. My own mother knows now. I don't give a shit how much suffering I cause her by her knowing. I have become unbelievably selfish in my single-minded instructive craving to survive. I have stopped trying to avoid codependency and excessive leaning on other people. I am in full shameless worm mode
I understand that for tinnitus, habituation is the only possible treatment. I have no idea what this actually means in practice, and I will be searching for some kind of professional help to figure out what this means. I am currently suffering from incredible amounts of chest pain from all the benzos I have been taking. They briefly give me enough of a respite from the torture to think rationally about what to do next
I want to try and live somehow. I made contact with that woman I mentioned in my very first post here. It turns out we had a misunderstanding. She was actually genuinely busy and not ghosting me. She cares about me and told me explicitly that I could lean on her as much as I needed to. I will be travelling to meet her on Sunday
No form of romantic relationship is possible with her as she was castrated by antidepressants and is no longer attracted to men. But I don't give a fucking shit. Friendship is every bit as meaningful as being in love. It's stupid but in the short term she is my main reason for continuing to live. Healthy attachment can come later
Physical suffering is a perverse blessing in a way. I see now how misguided I truly was. I have ascended beyond caring about self esteem, masculinity, being loved, impotence, baldness, loneliness. Nothing truly matters except physical health, the foundation for all other wellbeing. If I ever manage to recover to the point where I can live a normal life again, I have so much apologising to do. I never know how blessed I truly was until it was taken away from me. I pray that I will get a second chance
I am in so much pain with tinnitus that I very quickly stopped giving a shit about how my life used to be. I no longer mourn it, I no longer blame myself for what happened or think of what-ifs. I am in 100 percent pure survival mode
I told everyone I intended to kill myself. My own mother knows now. I don't give a shit how much suffering I cause her by her knowing. I have become unbelievably selfish in my single-minded instructive craving to survive. I have stopped trying to avoid codependency and excessive leaning on other people. I am in full shameless worm mode
I understand that for tinnitus, habituation is the only possible treatment. I have no idea what this actually means in practice, and I will be searching for some kind of professional help to figure out what this means. I am currently suffering from incredible amounts of chest pain from all the benzos I have been taking. They briefly give me enough of a respite from the torture to think rationally about what to do next
I want to try and live somehow. I made contact with that woman I mentioned in my very first post here. It turns out we had a misunderstanding. She was actually genuinely busy and not ghosting me. She cares about me and told me explicitly that I could lean on her as much as I needed to. I will be travelling to meet her on Sunday
No form of romantic relationship is possible with her as she was castrated by antidepressants and is no longer attracted to men. But I don't give a fucking shit. Friendship is every bit as meaningful as being in love. It's stupid but in the short term she is my main reason for continuing to live. Healthy attachment can come later
Physical suffering is a perverse blessing in a way. I see now how misguided I truly was. I have ascended beyond caring about self esteem, masculinity, being loved, impotence, baldness, loneliness. Nothing truly matters except physical health, the foundation for all other wellbeing. If I ever manage to recover to the point where I can live a normal life again, I have so much apologising to do. I never know how blessed I truly was until it was taken away from me. I pray that I will get a second chance
