playalistic
LLJODYWOAH
- Jul 5, 2025
- 33
its been a real rough patch the last few months
im sure everyone knows the agony of wanting to act but not being able to. ive spent a long amount of time ruminating & bedrotting & posting on here more than i should. extreme spurts of motivation only to crash into extreme negative emotion & binging whatever unhealthy shitty behavior you were doing that you know you shouldn't be doing
i think at the end of the day i accept that life is suffering, to live is to suffer, to survive is to make meaning of it. i feel likei've made peace with the fact that i will suffer every hour that i am alive For the rest of my life, or for a long long time at least. you can either take the easy way out or make of it what you can
maybe it's cliche and its the last thing anybody on this website wants to hear but i do believe life is a gift. death is imminent, no matter Whether you're going to kill yourself or not, everybody will get death either way. there will be a day when your suffering ends. there's deep suffering involved in life, however there is pleasure in life too. there is no pleasure you experience when you're dead, neither is there any suffering. the ability to experience pleasure or positive emotions at all i think is a gift, considering that does not exist in death, only just neutrality & unconsciousness. it is a gift to be able to experience positive emotions & pleasure despite any amount of suffering that must be experienced. theres also the argument to be made that there would be no light without dark, no dark without light
i have mixed opinions on a site like this in general. on one end, ive always been a supporter of free speech on the internet and this *is* the only place on the internet pretty much that facilitates neutral, uncensored discussion regarding suicide. however, i don't think it's what suicidal people need. if someone is suicidal of course they're going to want to access content that revolves around the open discussion of suicide that isn't completely rooted in recovery, like every other suicide talk space ever is. i think the freedom to do so is important & a good thing, but as an analogy if i'm a drug addict the last thing i need is a open, easily available and ready source for drugs. i think it's just unhealthy and causes rumination. of course suicidal people are drawn to this & want to access it, but it's the last thing a lot of us need really, sans debatably the recovery section. in general even outside of this website i feel like a lot of the internet is horrible & toxic & a net negative for society. i hate social media and i hate a lot of websites/forums that encourage garbage brainrot content or horrible/hateful discussion & ideas. i feel like the more time someone is on the internet the more hateful ideas they are exposed to and the more "out there" negative toxic bullshit they are exposed to. you are what you consume
maybe this is all stupid angsty rambling and is cringe in a philosophical sense since ive never delved too deep into the "ethics" of suicide & all that whatever but i want to try to ascend as much as i can. all i want to do now since i've faced extreme suicidal bouts is to just become the most powerful person that i possibly can. all i care about is improving myself in all aspects of life, i want to become the most physically, financially, mentally, creatively powerful & strong person possible, and i will do whatever it takes to get there. i think now that i've overcome what honestly was extremely close to death, i was deadset on my decision for awhile, i can use all this pain & baggage to make something m,ore of myself
this isnt to say that everyone's situation is the same. a lot of people here have it way worse than i've ever had it, especially those with clinical conditions like OCD, eating disorders, schizophrenia, etc, or physical conditions. i'm grateful i'm physically healthy and dont have a debilitating disease where every second of my life is spent in physical pain. im sure theres a lot of debate to be had around suicide and the right to die. im sure a lot of people have misery i couldn't comprehend and i am cognizant of that
personally im choosing recovery for now. i feel like my perspective has changed a lot, i kind of embrace & expect pain now. whenever something shitty happens to me, i've kind of changed my thinking. instead of being like "fuck this, life sucks, im in so much pain" i think to myself "yeah, thats supposed to happen. this is how its supposed to be". i don't think we are truly put on this earth to be happy, i think we are put on this earth to suffer, and anyone of caliber has to find a way to make a life for themself despite that. i think about bad things that have happened in my life despite my intentions at the end of the day being true and instead of thinking "this is so unfair & hurtful that that happened" i think "that's life. that's how it's supposed to be"
i will still pop in every now and then to see notifications and shit, even though i havent posted here in like a month i still get a lot. maybe i might become active in this recovery section, who knows. but for now im taking the whitepill
im going to use all this baggage as fuel to become an extremely successful person
im going to use all this pain & hurt as fuel to become a monster
life itself is a temporary chance to experience anything at all.
im sure everyone knows the agony of wanting to act but not being able to. ive spent a long amount of time ruminating & bedrotting & posting on here more than i should. extreme spurts of motivation only to crash into extreme negative emotion & binging whatever unhealthy shitty behavior you were doing that you know you shouldn't be doing
i think at the end of the day i accept that life is suffering, to live is to suffer, to survive is to make meaning of it. i feel likei've made peace with the fact that i will suffer every hour that i am alive For the rest of my life, or for a long long time at least. you can either take the easy way out or make of it what you can
maybe it's cliche and its the last thing anybody on this website wants to hear but i do believe life is a gift. death is imminent, no matter Whether you're going to kill yourself or not, everybody will get death either way. there will be a day when your suffering ends. there's deep suffering involved in life, however there is pleasure in life too. there is no pleasure you experience when you're dead, neither is there any suffering. the ability to experience pleasure or positive emotions at all i think is a gift, considering that does not exist in death, only just neutrality & unconsciousness. it is a gift to be able to experience positive emotions & pleasure despite any amount of suffering that must be experienced. theres also the argument to be made that there would be no light without dark, no dark without light
i have mixed opinions on a site like this in general. on one end, ive always been a supporter of free speech on the internet and this *is* the only place on the internet pretty much that facilitates neutral, uncensored discussion regarding suicide. however, i don't think it's what suicidal people need. if someone is suicidal of course they're going to want to access content that revolves around the open discussion of suicide that isn't completely rooted in recovery, like every other suicide talk space ever is. i think the freedom to do so is important & a good thing, but as an analogy if i'm a drug addict the last thing i need is a open, easily available and ready source for drugs. i think it's just unhealthy and causes rumination. of course suicidal people are drawn to this & want to access it, but it's the last thing a lot of us need really, sans debatably the recovery section. in general even outside of this website i feel like a lot of the internet is horrible & toxic & a net negative for society. i hate social media and i hate a lot of websites/forums that encourage garbage brainrot content or horrible/hateful discussion & ideas. i feel like the more time someone is on the internet the more hateful ideas they are exposed to and the more "out there" negative toxic bullshit they are exposed to. you are what you consume
maybe this is all stupid angsty rambling and is cringe in a philosophical sense since ive never delved too deep into the "ethics" of suicide & all that whatever but i want to try to ascend as much as i can. all i want to do now since i've faced extreme suicidal bouts is to just become the most powerful person that i possibly can. all i care about is improving myself in all aspects of life, i want to become the most physically, financially, mentally, creatively powerful & strong person possible, and i will do whatever it takes to get there. i think now that i've overcome what honestly was extremely close to death, i was deadset on my decision for awhile, i can use all this pain & baggage to make something m,ore of myself
this isnt to say that everyone's situation is the same. a lot of people here have it way worse than i've ever had it, especially those with clinical conditions like OCD, eating disorders, schizophrenia, etc, or physical conditions. i'm grateful i'm physically healthy and dont have a debilitating disease where every second of my life is spent in physical pain. im sure theres a lot of debate to be had around suicide and the right to die. im sure a lot of people have misery i couldn't comprehend and i am cognizant of that
personally im choosing recovery for now. i feel like my perspective has changed a lot, i kind of embrace & expect pain now. whenever something shitty happens to me, i've kind of changed my thinking. instead of being like "fuck this, life sucks, im in so much pain" i think to myself "yeah, thats supposed to happen. this is how its supposed to be". i don't think we are truly put on this earth to be happy, i think we are put on this earth to suffer, and anyone of caliber has to find a way to make a life for themself despite that. i think about bad things that have happened in my life despite my intentions at the end of the day being true and instead of thinking "this is so unfair & hurtful that that happened" i think "that's life. that's how it's supposed to be"
i will still pop in every now and then to see notifications and shit, even though i havent posted here in like a month i still get a lot. maybe i might become active in this recovery section, who knows. but for now im taking the whitepill
im going to use all this baggage as fuel to become an extremely successful person
im going to use all this pain & hurt as fuel to become a monster
life itself is a temporary chance to experience anything at all.
