Choosing how to respond: Survival

[Water-Lily]

After discussing my college plans with some people at my school, I might be able to get for this coming semester

Which means I'll have to accept the possible reality of going to school next year. I can work in the mean time, but it doesn't change that I will have to deal with my brother for longer

We had gotten into a bad fight last week(I think last week) over him throwing out food that belonged to me. I responded by attempting o throw away his things and it escalated

I wanted to have power and rightfully stand up to him. All it did was create a huge mess that involved my family and police

Me or him weren't hurt physically but it doesn't change that what happened was horrible

Reflecting on this, I look back at how I could have responded

The reality is my brother is an abusive narcissist. He will want to push me to places and do things just to hurt me. He's incapable of treating me with respect as he chooses to sabotage things. I cannot trust him

So with that, I look back at how I could have responded

That, sure, it sucked he threw away my food to get back at me. But me reacting by throwing away his things, while a valid reaction, escalated things grately

I could have been angry, allowed myself to cry if need be, and tell myself "it's good. I can always buy more. I shouldn't have to, but I can. And I can discuss with my father later to ensure this doesn't happen again"

Since this incident happened my dad posted a message on the refrigerator threatening to kick my brother out if he ever touches anything that belongs to me

I shouldn't have to live like this, but it's only temporary

I'll write down safety plans/steps when something like this happens again. Because it will. Because it's who he is as an abuser

For one, I'll physically walk away. Be it to my room, or even outside (if possible). Cry if I need to. Get my anger out. And then remind myself of what I could do

Then, refuse to call mh family members. My family are their own dysfunction, especially my grandma, who will always side with my brother regardless of what he does. I never get any real support emotionally so it's a loss

I might not be able to practice coping mechanisms in every moment. I'm human after all with a lot of complex trauma

But I can at least try. Because be it at home or out in the world, I will come across abusers and narcs. And I gotta know how to deal with them

Also I'm gonna preface this now before anyone says because I know at least one person will mention the "why don't you just move out"

I'll explain. Simply, I don't have the funds to just go out and sign a lease and move in somewhere. I also don't have anyone I know well enough to room with (I reached out once before but was turned down). I also know roomate apps are a thing but I'd rather take my time and not be spontaneous

 

[Pluto]

I had a sister just like that. It was passive-aggressive city and I had nowhere to go. Ironically, in recent years we superficially get along, though we do live on opposite sides of the country. But when in the thick of it, the less you have to do with them the better.

 

[Izolita]

Two apps I would suggest are "Hotpads" and "Padmapper" but they are not designed around roommates.

When I couldn't afford to move out with my crappy job I found that apartments designed for students worked. Typically you pay rent for 1 of the rooms to a leasing office and the rest of the space is shared by other people who sign their own lease


Depending on how desperate you are to get away from them you would be trading your family for bumping into strangers in a kitchen.

I don't know what your income situation looks like. This is just what worked for me making my escape a few years ago.

 

[Water-Lily]

I had a sister just like that. It was passive-aggressive city and I had nowhere to go. Ironically, in recent years we superficially get along, though we do live on opposite sides of the country. But when in the thick of it, the less you have to do with them the better.

Not going to lie, if my brother ever decided to embark on a journey of healing/mental health, I would be open to talking to him one day. Maybe understanding his feelings

I can't forget the bond we used to have. When we could be vulnerable with each other and feel like siblings, amidst all the abuse going on

Two apps I would suggest are "Hotpads" and "Padmapper" but they are not designed around roommates.

When I couldn't afford to move out with my crappy job I found that apartments designed for students worked. Typically you pay rent for 1 of the rooms to a leasing office and the rest of the space is shared by other people who sign their own leaseView attachment 118451


Depending on how desperate you are to get away from them you would be trading your family for bumping into strangers in a kitchen.

I don't know what your income situation looks like. This is just what worked for me making my escape a few years ago.

Thank you. Is this available in the US?

 

[Izolita]

Not going to lie, if my brother ever decided to embark on a journey of healing/mental health, I would be open to talking to him one day. Maybe understanding his feelings

I can't forget the bond we used to have. When we could be vulnerable with each other and feel like siblings, amidst all the abuse going on

Thank you. Is this available in the US?

Yes. I live in the US and they are available in the US. Check near Universities (but not too close) for those shared apartment thingies too. In the Midwest I found rooms with all utilities covered, free laundry, free internet for just $400/m.

I literally escaped my family the first time around working at Taco Bell lol. It might be a little harder in the city (the uni I moved near to was in a town. Also I wasn't a student)

 

[Water-Lily]

Yes. I live in the US and they are available in the US. Check near Universities (but not too close) for those shared apartment thingies too. In the Midwest I found rooms with all utilities covered, free laundry, free internet for just $400/m.

I literally escaped my family the first time around working at Taco Bell lol. It might be a little harder in the city (the uni I moved near to was in a town. Also I wasn't a student)

I will look into this

If you don't mind me asking, as you mentioned in my other post, is there a reason you're still living with your family?

 

[Izolita]

I will look into this

If you don't mind me asking, as you mentioned in my other post, is there a reason you're still living with your family?

I moved out back in 2016. I wanted to transition to female and moved out of the bigoted Midwest state in 2019 to California.

I was homeless for 6 months once I moved to Cali (I lived in hotels). June of this year I ended up homeless again but without a job. I was in a transgender shelter but was having mental breakdowns.

I ended up asking my family if I can live with them till I can make money and move out again.

I lost my job due to bipolar depression and mixed mania. Too many episodes made me miss work too much.

I was planning on suicide by bag before I ended up homeless the second time but failed to prep and I nearly ended up with psychosis on the streets if it wasn't for that shelter.

Im not sure what the future holds for me rn but I am fairly certain it will be suicide. I atleast want to prep incase of a bad episode that I feel tortured/trapped.