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Lupgevif
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- Jul 23, 2020
- 929
My family participates in a culture of constantly remembering the deceased. That mostly means visting the graveyard throughout the year, on different dates, the most important ones being someone's death anniversary or the day of the dead, november 2nd here. While I'll try my best to guarantee my corpse is cremated, there is a very plausible chance my pleas will be ignored by my parents, such as they have always done, and I'll be buried, even though I have conditions to pay for my own cremation, becoming just another visiting spot for relatives in the years to come. And even though my parents don't take my suicide wishes seriously, and I resent them for that, I know I'll cause them to suffer by going through with it.
The thing is, the range of time I've given myself to prepare and execute will end up in a date very close to my birthday. For years now I have set up dates close to it, the very first one being a day after my birthday, and others I made it sure it was a month prior to it. I postoned all of them because I was never so sure I wanted it. Since I know my memories will cause pain, and these memories come stronger in dates such as birthday and death anniversaries, I thought to myself: what if I made my death date the same as my birthday?
Now, even though my relationship with my parents is at its worse right now, and I resent them for calling my suicide threats as only that, threats (also bluffing and emotional blackmail), I do not wish to target them with my death, and I know they'll be surprised and in a lot of pain. I think they will remember their only child for the rest of their days, but I can't help thinking these "special" dates bring the memories with an extra charge of pain. And I do also have some other relatives very close (in vain, and almost artificial ways, but still close enough to cause grief to them) who will remember me.
Interestingly so, as I finish typying this, I have come to the conclusion it doesn't really matters, any date will cause a huge hassle and distress to my parents and relatives; still, I'd appreciate anyone's input and thoughts on this. Just to summarize things up, I'll repeat the question: do you think commiting suicide on my birthday could reduce grief in the long term, since it would merge the two dates I'd be remembered the most in a year (birthday and death day) into a single one? As in, instead of being remembered for two days a year, it would be only one day a year.
The thing is, the range of time I've given myself to prepare and execute will end up in a date very close to my birthday. For years now I have set up dates close to it, the very first one being a day after my birthday, and others I made it sure it was a month prior to it. I postoned all of them because I was never so sure I wanted it. Since I know my memories will cause pain, and these memories come stronger in dates such as birthday and death anniversaries, I thought to myself: what if I made my death date the same as my birthday?
Now, even though my relationship with my parents is at its worse right now, and I resent them for calling my suicide threats as only that, threats (also bluffing and emotional blackmail), I do not wish to target them with my death, and I know they'll be surprised and in a lot of pain. I think they will remember their only child for the rest of their days, but I can't help thinking these "special" dates bring the memories with an extra charge of pain. And I do also have some other relatives very close (in vain, and almost artificial ways, but still close enough to cause grief to them) who will remember me.
Interestingly so, as I finish typying this, I have come to the conclusion it doesn't really matters, any date will cause a huge hassle and distress to my parents and relatives; still, I'd appreciate anyone's input and thoughts on this. Just to summarize things up, I'll repeat the question: do you think commiting suicide on my birthday could reduce grief in the long term, since it would merge the two dates I'd be remembered the most in a year (birthday and death day) into a single one? As in, instead of being remembered for two days a year, it would be only one day a year.