torturedbrain
Member
- Nov 2, 2025
- 7
I wanted to share this and see if anyone has any insight into my experience, or has any similar experiences.
Background: Growing up, I have always had extreme emotional regulation problems (most likely type 1 asd). When my grandpa died when I was 10, I became obsessed with death. And also, I was not really close with him at all… he is probably where my mental health problems biologically stem from because he was super messed up and angry and abusive to my dad and his siblings.
Okay anyway, I was obsessed and questioning death so much. It really bothered me, but I was also a kid so I tried to ignore it by being happy and goofy. I had my first panic attack right after his funeral during the physical fitness test and couldn't breathe even though I probably could…. All that just to explain how much I was freaked out but also craving the concept of death.
I would just burst after trying to be silly and happy for so long… like I could maybe last 1-2 days without freaking out. On the inside, I was trying to find a way to die without being sent to hell (I was in a catholic weekly program at the time, where I asked about suicide and if that would send you to heaven still). I wanted to die in a way that seemed natural to onlookers such as my parents (and I guess I didn't think god would know lol). I thought I was very original with this method.
Ever since I was a kid, I was trying to get out. I have had moments of relief, but they always end in self hatred and torture because I am angry at myself for forgetting how much discontent I feel.
I didn't totally stop eating, but I was very restrictive. I would eat serving sizes only, but didn't focus on calories until I was a bit older. I got very thin, I was anemic at one point, I had a broken foot for about 6-7 months probably due to lack of nutrients.
But, sadly, I eventually lost focus and because more obsessed with my body (I hated growing and feared boobs lol). So then, I was unsuccessful and was never able to keep focus on my goals.
I want to try again. I know people say it's a non-method, but for me it is a method. It will solve the problem of my parents being surprised when they find me dead, because I would have been slowly deteriorating. And if my plan goes wrong and I get sent to the hospital, I will fake my way out. And I will try again. Until my parents finally accept my fate.
I just want to know how to keep focus.
Background: Growing up, I have always had extreme emotional regulation problems (most likely type 1 asd). When my grandpa died when I was 10, I became obsessed with death. And also, I was not really close with him at all… he is probably where my mental health problems biologically stem from because he was super messed up and angry and abusive to my dad and his siblings.
Okay anyway, I was obsessed and questioning death so much. It really bothered me, but I was also a kid so I tried to ignore it by being happy and goofy. I had my first panic attack right after his funeral during the physical fitness test and couldn't breathe even though I probably could…. All that just to explain how much I was freaked out but also craving the concept of death.
I would just burst after trying to be silly and happy for so long… like I could maybe last 1-2 days without freaking out. On the inside, I was trying to find a way to die without being sent to hell (I was in a catholic weekly program at the time, where I asked about suicide and if that would send you to heaven still). I wanted to die in a way that seemed natural to onlookers such as my parents (and I guess I didn't think god would know lol). I thought I was very original with this method.
Ever since I was a kid, I was trying to get out. I have had moments of relief, but they always end in self hatred and torture because I am angry at myself for forgetting how much discontent I feel.
I didn't totally stop eating, but I was very restrictive. I would eat serving sizes only, but didn't focus on calories until I was a bit older. I got very thin, I was anemic at one point, I had a broken foot for about 6-7 months probably due to lack of nutrients.
But, sadly, I eventually lost focus and because more obsessed with my body (I hated growing and feared boobs lol). So then, I was unsuccessful and was never able to keep focus on my goals.
I want to try again. I know people say it's a non-method, but for me it is a method. It will solve the problem of my parents being surprised when they find me dead, because I would have been slowly deteriorating. And if my plan goes wrong and I get sent to the hospital, I will fake my way out. And I will try again. Until my parents finally accept my fate.
I just want to know how to keep focus.
