Venting Childhood Really F*cked Me Up

[SimplyTopHat]

Physical discipline... that's how it was growing up. Do something wrong &just hope that isn't your consequence. Never really know why, or what you could have done differently. Psychological abuse, stupid, not good enough, can't do anything right, slut.

When I feel like it's my fault, for whatever reason, without thinking- I'm calling myself these things. When it gets bad enough, I can't slow my mind dow, &it starts to spin.

I can't reach out to people, I can't talk about what goes through my head- so when it gets bad enough... all I can imagine are different ways of hurting myself.

Punishing myself for my existence. I can't make it stop. I can't even cry. I'm just nothing.

 

[s1mplem3]

You're not nothing, you're human who suffers. I'm not better than you, maybe our circumstances are not the same, but we both in the same boat named shitty life. If you want to share your story don't be shy to PM.

 

[Viola]

Physical discipline... that's how it was growing up. Do something wrong &just hope that isn't your consequence. Never really know why, or what you could have done differently. Psychological abuse, stupid, not good enough, can't do anything right, slut.

When I feel like it's my fault, for whatever reason, without thinking- I'm calling myself these things. When it gets bad enough, I can't slow my mind dow, &it starts to spin.

I can't reach out to people, I can't talk about what goes through my head- so when it gets bad enough... all I can imagine are different ways of hurting myself.

Punishing myself for my existence. I can't make it stop. I can't even cry. I'm just nothing.

View attachment 29020

I'm sending you a hug xxx you are important and you matter. Reach out and talk to us, we care about you xxxx

 

[SimplyTopHat]

You're not nothing, you're human who suffers. I'm not better than you, maybe our circumstances are not the same, but we both in the same boat named shitty life. If you want to share your story don't be shy to PM.

I appreciate the offer, I may have to take you up on that in the near future. I'm trying really hard to use techniques I learned in Therapy. Thank you.

I'm sending you a hug xxx you are important and you matter. Reach out and talk to us, we care about you xxxx

Thank you, it doesn't always feel like I matter.

 

[Viola]

I appreciate the offer, I may have to take you up on that in the near future. I'm trying really hard to use techniques I learned in Therapy. Thank you.


Thank you, it doesn't always feel like I matter.

You do to us I mean it xxxx

 

[s1mplem3]

I appreciate the offer, I may have to take you up on that in the near future. I'm trying really hard to use techniques I learned in Therapy. Thank you.


Thank you, it doesn't always feel like I matter.

May I ask what kind of techniques is that?

 

[SimplyTopHat]

May I ask what kind of techniques is that?

I hope this can help you.

 

[s1mplem3]

Ah... my favorite - stars. I look at the stars all the time.

 

[Mizzmini45]

I'm sorry for what u went through. I had to do a lot of self love therapy from a loveless childhood. I know how you feel

 

[SimplyTopHat]

I'm sorry for what u went through. I had to do a lot of self love therapy from a loveless childhood. I know how you feel

It's so debilitating. I can't do anything without questioning my every move, my thoughts betray me &I absolutely hate myself. Heh, I guess childhood did a real number on me.

Glad to hear that you were able to turn it around. Give an ounce of hope to a hopeless world.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

I hope this can help you.

That's a very nice list, and very kind of you to post. However, I liked none of that stuff before this current depressive episode of over a year. I expect and hope it will help many others.

 

[SimplyTopHat]

That's a very nice list, and very kind of you to post. However, I liked none of that stuff before this current depressive episode of over a year. I expect and hope it will help many others.

The list isn't set in stone, it's a guideline of things to try. I mean it's supposed to span generational gaps, so much of the things may not be for you, as much of them doesn't work for me. I mean, I'm pretty sure it mentions burning a CD... when was the last time you did that?

 

[Jumper Geo]

Physical discipline... that's how it was growing up. Do something wrong &just hope that isn't your consequence. Never really know why, or what you could have done differently. Psychological abuse, stupid, not good enough, can't do anything right, slut.

When I feel like it's my fault, for whatever reason, without thinking- I'm calling myself these things. When it gets bad enough, I can't slow my mind dow, &it starts to spin.

I can't reach out to people, I can't talk about what goes through my head- so when it gets bad enough... all I can imagine are different ways of hurting myself.

Punishing myself for my existence. I can't make it stop. I can't even cry. I'm just nothing.

View attachment 29020

Life is like that unfortunately remember there is always someone worse of than you, my father was the he worked for a living he was a printer and very well paid so we had the best clothes, but he was a violent alcoholic as a child we would be punched for dropping a pea on the table or verbally threatened when he was in a good mood, lol he was very lucky he died at 42 otherwise me and my brother would have tortured him to death. He would come in drunk throw the dinner my mum made for him out the window, try to burn her with cigarettes, punch, slap her and his 4 children. I would come in from playing seeing my mum covered in blood and then she screamed for me to run as he went after me, guess what his loving family said I wasn't his child, said my mum had an affair so of course he loved me when I was 12 years old, couldn't catch me, lol

Later in life I tried to speak about it to my brother, he would only talk if he was on coke, I tried to speak to my mum and she would always talk about the hard life she had when she grew up in Ireland it got to the stage when I just exploded as I couldn't talk to anyone, just drove me to drink and drugs and TROUBLE.

I couldn't concentrate in school always played the fool or got into trouble, started sniffing whatever drugs I could get my hands on, drinking getting arrested etc I could go into detail but most of you will be shocked and it might bring on your ctb early. I left school early with no qualifications.

Anyway I started working, studied passed a lot of exams, quite a few letters after my name now, earned a good living in the City of London, run the London and Dublin marathons raised over £25,000 for the NSPCC and Children with Cancer charities, my only downfall someone paid £150 about 10 years ago for bio residence a new non smoking treatment and it gave me psychosis I was on the pills for 3 months and I was fine but it came back 2 years ago I stayed on risperidon for a year 2mg after 6 months terrible side effects kicked in, I would wake after 4 hours sleep, my eyes would just open, I become a zombie, sex drive went, tea, coffee tasted terrible, couldn't taste cigarettes, I couldn't move out of bed didn't wash didn't give a shit about anything, after 8 months I went down to 1 mg they didn't want me to reduce it and then I stopped I done it myself they would have had me on that shit for the rest of my life, anyway over a year clear of all drugs and the side effects are still there so ctb with SN is my escape, woohoo.

Here's another story from London UK about a CEO abused as a Child by his father and shopkeeper, see shit can happen to everyone rich and poor. Anyway be strong, at least if I was a kid now you could speak to Child line from the NSPCC, LINK BELOW.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowb...id-Tait-discusses-new-film-Sulphur-White.html

Child Line from the NSPCC

Childline | Childline

Get help and advice about a wide range of issues, call us on 0800 1111, talk to a counsellor online, send Childline an email or post on the message boards.

www.childline.org.uk

Cheers JG

 

[ctbUniquectb]

The list isn't set in stone, it's a guideline of things to try. I mean it's supposed to span generational gaps, so much of the things may not be for you, as much of them doesn't work for me. I mean, I'm pretty sure it mentions burning a CD... when was the last time you did that?

I'm saying this to shoot the breeze, not the be argumentative: I took some pleasure from the last time I ever bought a CD. I'll not name which, but it was recent, and had been a very popular band. It was ~$5 new at the store, or $10 for the iTunes tracks. Ripped, and dipped! <3

 

[SimplyTopHat]

Life is like that unfortunately remember there is always someone worse of than you, my father was the he worked for a living he was a printer and very well paid so we had the best clothes, but he was a violent alcoholic as a child we would be punched for dropping a pea on the table or verbally threatened when he was in a good mood, lol he was very lucky he died at 42 otherwise me and my brother would have tortured him to death. He would come in drunk throw the dinner my mum made for him out the window, try to burn her with cigarettes, punch, slap her and his 4 children. I would come in from playing seeing my mum covered in blood and then she screamed for me to run as he went after me, guess what his loving family said I wasn't his child, said my mum had an affair so of course he loved me when I was 12 years old, couldn't catch me, lol

Later in life I tried to speak about it to my brother, he would only talk if he was on coke, I tried to speak to my mum and she would always talk about the hard life she had when she grew up in Ireland it got to the stage when I just exploded as I couldn't talk to anyone, just drove me to drink and drugs and TROUBLE.

I couldn't concentrate in school always played the fool or got into trouble, started sniffing whatever drugs I could get my hands on, drinking getting arrested etc I could go into detail but most of you will be shocked and it might bring on your ctb early. I left school early with no qualifications.

Anyway I started working, studied passed a lot of exams, quite a few letters after my name now, earned a good living in the City of London, run the London and Dublin marathons raised over £25,000 for the NSPCC and Children with Cancer charities, my only downfall someone paid £150 about 10 years ago for bio residence a new non smoking treatment and it gave me psychosis I was on the pills for 3 months and I was fine but it came back 2 years ago I stayed on risperidon for a year 2mg after 6 months terrible side effects kicked in, I would wake after 4 hours sleep, my eyes would just open, I become a zombie, sex drive went, tea, coffee tasted terrible, couldn't taste cigarettes, I couldn't move out of bed didn't wash didn't give a shit about anything, after 8 months I went down to 1 mg they didn't want me to reduce it and then I stopped I done it myself they would have had me on that shit for the rest of my life, anyway over a year clear of all drugs and the side effects are still there so ctb with SN is my escape, woohoo.

Here's another story from London UK about a CEO abused as a Child by his father and shopkeeper, see shit can happen to everyone rich and poor. Anyway be strong, at least if I was a kid now you could speak to Child line from the NSPCC, LINK BELOW.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowb...id-Tait-discusses-new-film-Sulphur-White.html

Child Line from the NSPCC

Childline | Childline

Get help and advice about a wide range of issues, call us on 0800 1111, talk to a counsellor online, send Childline an email or post on the message boards.

www.childline.org.uk

Cheers JG

I appreciate you having taken time to reply, though I'm going to be direct, telling someone there is someone worse than themselves does not help. It's invalidating. (Not bitching, just saying). I learned this in Couselling class &was told this by licensed therapists.

Your use of your story to negate what I've lived through does little more than to show that you're not empathizing, so much as trying to one up me. I summarized my childhood, &many details were left out. So next time before you discredit someone's experience, I hope you think of this conversation.

I'm saying this to shoot the breeze, not the be argumentative: I took some pleasure from the last time I ever bought a CD. I'll not name which, but it was recent, and had been a very popular band. It was ~$5 new at the store, or $10 for the iTunes tracks. Ripped, and dipped! <3

Oh, no no, I wasn't being argumentative. Simply stating the list is a guide, not a "only these things can bring happiness." If that was the case, I'd be far worse off. Oh boy, would I ever.

Also I wasn't making fun of buying CDs, it's just these days people rarely burn their own CDs anymore.

I'm glad that your CD was able to bring you joy though.

 

[Jumper Geo]

Life is like that unfortunately remember there is always someone worse of than you, my father was the he worked for a living he was a printer and very well paid so we had the best clothes, but he was a violent alcoholic as a child we would be punched for dropping a pea on the table or verbally threatened when he was in a good mood, lol he was very lucky he died at 42 otherwise me and my brother would have tortured him to death. He would come in drunk throw the dinner my mum made for him out the window, try to burn her with cigarettes, punch, slap her and his 4 children. I would come in from playing seeing my mum covered in blood and then she screamed for me to run as he went after me, guess what his loving family said I wasn't his child, said my mum had an affair so of course he loved me when I was 12 years old, couldn't catch me, lol

Later in life I tried to speak about it to my brother, he would only talk if he was on coke, I tried to speak to my mum and she would always talk about the hard life she had when she grew up in Ireland it got to the stage when I just exploded as I couldn't talk to anyone, just drove me to drink and drugs and TROUBLE.

I couldn't concentrate in school always played the fool or got into trouble, started sniffing whatever drugs I could get my hands on, drinking getting arrested etc I could go into detail but most of you will be shocked and it might bring on your ctb early. I left school early with no qualifications.

Anyway I started working, studied passed a lot of exams, quite a few letters after my name now, earned a good living in the City of London, run the London and Dublin marathons raised over £25,000 for the NSPCC and Children with Cancer charities, my only downfall someone paid £150 about 10 years ago for bio residence a new non smoking treatment and it gave me psychosis I was on the pills for 3 months and I was fine but it came back 2 years ago I stayed on risperidon for a year 2mg after 6 months terrible side effects kicked in, I would wake after 4 hours sleep, my eyes would just open, I become a zombie, sex drive went, tea, coffee tasted terrible, couldn't taste cigarettes, I couldn't move out of bed didn't wash didn't give a shit about anything, after 8 months I went down to 1 mg they didn't want me to reduce it and then I stopped I done it myself they would have had me on that shit for the rest of my life, anyway over a year clear of all drugs and the side effects are still there so ctb with SN is my escape, woohoo.

Here's another story from London UK about a CEO abused as a Child by his father and shopkeeper, see shit can happen to everyone rich and poor. Anyway be strong, at least if I was a kid now you could speak to Child line from the NSPCC, LINK BELOW.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowb...id-Tait-discusses-new-film-Sulphur-White.html

Child Line from the NSPCC

Childline | Childline

Get help and advice about a wide range of issues, call us on 0800 1111, talk to a counsellor online, send Childline an email or post on the message boards.

www.childline.org.uk

Cheers JG

Sorry if you thought I was trying to get one up on you, i'm late 40's and tbh I have never spoke to anyone of my childhood so I was detailing the pressure and anger I had as a kid.

Hope you find the peace you looking for.

Cheers JG

Life is like that unfortunately remember there is always someone worse of than you, my father was the he worked for a living he was a printer and very well paid so we had the best clothes, but he was a violent alcoholic as a child we would be punched for dropping a pea on the table or verbally threatened when he was in a good mood, lol he was very lucky he died at 42 otherwise me and my brother would have tortured him to death. He would come in drunk throw the dinner my mum made for him out the window, try to burn her with cigarettes, punch, slap her and his 4 children. I would come in from playing seeing my mum covered in blood and then she screamed for me to run as he went after me, guess what his loving family said I wasn't his child, said my mum had an affair so of course he loved me when I was 12 years old, couldn't catch me, lol

Later in life I tried to speak about it to my brother, he would only talk if he was on coke, I tried to speak to my mum and she would always talk about the hard life she had when she grew up in Ireland it got to the stage when I just exploded as I couldn't talk to anyone, just drove me to drink and drugs and TROUBLE.

I couldn't concentrate in school always played the fool or got into trouble, started sniffing whatever drugs I could get my hands on, drinking getting arrested etc I could go into detail but most of you will be shocked and it might bring on your ctb early. I left school early with no qualifications.

Anyway I started working, studied passed a lot of exams, quite a few letters after my name now, earned a good living in the City of London, run the London and Dublin marathons raised over £25,000 for the NSPCC and Children with Cancer charities, my only downfall someone paid £150 about 10 years ago for bio residence a new non smoking treatment and it gave me psychosis I was on the pills for 3 months and I was fine but it came back 2 years ago I stayed on risperidon for a year 2mg after 6 months terrible side effects kicked in, I would wake after 4 hours sleep, my eyes would just open, I become a zombie, sex drive went, tea, coffee tasted terrible, couldn't taste cigarettes, I couldn't move out of bed didn't wash didn't give a shit about anything, after 8 months I went down to 1 mg they didn't want me to reduce it and then I stopped I done it myself they would have had me on that shit for the rest of my life, anyway over a year clear of all drugs and the side effects are still there so ctb with SN is my escape, woohoo.

Here's another story from London UK about a CEO abused as a Child by his father and shopkeeper, see shit can happen to everyone rich and poor. Anyway be strong, at least if I was a kid now you could speak to Child line from the NSPCC, LINK BELOW.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowb...id-Tait-discusses-new-film-Sulphur-White.html

Child Line from the NSPCC

Childline | Childline

Get help and advice about a wide range of issues, call us on 0800 1111, talk to a counsellor online, send Childline an email or post on the message boards.

www.childline.org.uk

Cheers JG

Sorry if you thought I was trying to get one up on you, i'm late 40's and tbh I have never spoke to anyone of my childhood so I was detailing the pressure and anger I had as a kid.

Hope you find the peace you looking for.

Cheers JG

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Oh, no no, I wasn't being argumentative ... I wasn't making fun of buying CDs, it's just these days people rarely burn their own CDs anymore.

I didn't get that impression, but tensions have been running high around here lately. So, I was trying to make sure I seemed at ease also.

I'm glad that your CD was able to bring you joy though. ♥

Thanks.

 

[SimplyTopHat]

Sorry if you thought I was trying to get one up on you, i'm late 40's and tbh I have never spoke to anyone of my childhood so I was detailing the pressure and anger I had as a kid.

Hope you find the peace you looking for.

Cheers JG


Sorry if you thought I was trying to get one up on you, i'm late 40's and tbh I have never spoke to anyone of my childhood so I was detailing the pressure and anger I had as a kid.

Hope you find the peace you looking for.

Cheers JG

I hear you, sometimes we want to be seen/heard &can come off in ways we don't intend.

I'm going to be 30 in 3 days, though I may be younger, &it could be a sign of the times or cultural differences, to say why our upbringings were different. My point is simply that our story may be different, though it doesn't negate the psychological trauma that brought us both to find comradery in a hopeless place (SS).

Thank you for sharing your story.

I didn't get that impression, but tensions have been running high around here lately. So, I was trying to make sure I seemed at ease also.

Thanks.

You're right about that! Omg, I've noticed some people outwardly shaming others for their reasons to CTB. I mean it's okay to potentially help them find hope, but who is shame really helping? :(

You're welcome.