Child abuse thoughts

[iamalreadydead]

making dinner in my parents house cause im too retarded to take care of myself and i was forced to listen to my mom talk on the phone to a work friend whos having familial trouble about said trouble, whatever the conversation was about she ended it by insinuating that as soon as you see your kid displaying 'concerning' behavior like, (in her example this is in reference to my cousin) if they write weird self-hating/harming/upsetting stuff (my uncle found that stuff written in a private journal of my cousins), you should beat it out of them. This is not the first time she's brought up this example and she has said to my face she wished she had done it to me. Barring the fact that she literally did try to, and so did my father, which they now adamantly deny/justify/downplay and also have somehow turned it around to make it out to be that I was/am the one abusing them, it makes me want to kill myself so bad knowing these fucking morons i have to call my parents genuinely think like this.

i started to think about how i developed severe social anxiety at the age of 5-6 years old and I wonder if my exposure to their violence was the thing to trigger my downward spiral. one of my first memories is of being punished and whipped with a belt until i bruised and had red lashes on my body and this was a regular occurrence, i remained scared of the belt until around like, 9-10, during which time I was already suicidally depressed and severely anxious to an extreme that left me essentially non-verbal in elementary school. the conversation my mom had just kind of reminded me that, yes, they were aware i was struggling and chose to ignore it and would often times punish me for it. around that time i was also exploring my sexuality and my dads reaction to me gently suggesting something about gender or being gay led to him strangling me, my mother i believe has some kind of personality disorder because all my memories of childhood are of her manipulating me and having childish mood swings, etc. i guess im trying to say she was violent in a psychological way.

i dont know I'm just thinking its really funny/upsetting/fucking crazy that the behavior she thinks needs fixing through violence, in my case, was essentially brought on by violence lol

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

This brings me to one of my memories when my parents thought my depression was me needing to be subjected to mental wards while FORCING ME because I am the problem and my bullying sisters were the ones in the right and telling me I needed to change for years, doing that, and yet, their still the problem, even when I was kicked out two years ago and HAD to get the help to go into the psych ward, being depressed people had people they could call, while I had to sit around waiting for my life to change being there to collect my checks, because I needed proof I can't work — because of them... Ah, good memoire s:')) (I make sarcasm at my own pain because it is unreal how any of what we go through is real, if this was taken out of context, deeply apologize, and not making fun of user, but myself, and relating to it and sharing how I cope with pain, as it never sadly leaves you)