Child abuse is equivalent to murder and should be punished like that! I AM SO FUCKING BROKEN!

[noname223]

Honestly I only added the part with punished like that because it sounds good. The nuances are way too intricate for such a statement. If my parents went to jail I had no more financial resources and had to kill myself earlier.

I am probably not the only one here. If there is someone delusional on here you get a bad feeling ethically and concerns about legality. However I am a pretty good example of a person that has delusions but still is very rational about suicide. This is something most doctors would never acknowledge. I tried over 25 different medication, 3 psychotherapies, several clinics stays. I am now suicidal since 10 years. Nothing helps except becoming manic.

My brain is bouncing against the walls. College triggers the shit out of me. I have like 5 different delusional thoughts which haunt me cyclically. My friends get overburdened. One of them asked me some minutes ago not to update him anymore. And my friends are very patient. I am now in this state for so long. I am just completely beyond my limit college wise. It takes so fucking much of me. What I am doing is completely ripping me apart. I think most humans would have given up after 3 months. I am now studying 2 years. More and more new symptoms emerge which shows the deterioration process. My stomach goes insane. I never experienced something like that. I feel mentally so fucked up that my hunger is almost completely gone. I eat fucking chocolate and chips not to lose much more weight. For my mom this is the biggest concern. She always was like that downplaying the mental pain but hell breaks loose for her when I don't eat enough. I joke to her I really really don't give a fuck about the losing weight aspect when I am going through this insane mental pain. My dad worries about me getting into an accident or stuff like that. I told I him could not give less fucks. I pray every single day something would kill me. I beg for it but it won't happen.

I am reaching out for help and noone is there. My friends are the best but they are also beyond their limit. My parents are not really helpful. My psychiatrist does not know what to say anymore. Everything just repeats especially with the love delusions. I could not reach her. Honestly she sucks ass. But still one of the better psychiatrists I met. I unilaterally increase the dosage of my antipsychotics to the maximum. I am confronted with a decision. I am done I am so fucking done. I cannot do it anymore. My mind goes insane because college demands way too much. I don't have any alternative to college. Unemployment means suicide in the longrun. I cannot take addictive medication. I did this the last semester and it made everything worse. So increasing the antipsychotics to the maximum is the way to go but the pain is so big that I doubt anything will help.

My psychiatrist cannot be reached. I messaged another therapist who just told me to go to my psychiatrist. The person of my support network was not available either but another staff member messaged me. I thought they would write a mail but they called me which surprised me. I did not realize that call. After she left a second message I saw it and called her. I cried my eyes out when I called her. I was extremely depressed and was crying so fucking hard. It was after I took a bath. Sometimes when I am feeling the worst I take a bath. I felt so extremely depressed and triggered that I had the feeling either I am passing out or I will hallucinate which I only did once in my life. I hoped for a psychogenic death but I doubt I will have that much luck.

My delusions are a woman at college would either love or despise me. I have a very similar thought with another woman in my self-help group. Then I am worrying the people in my self-help group considered me insane and wanted to spread rumors about me. Rationally probably none of these people give a fuck about me. My friends recommended me to distance myself from them but I messaged one of these people once again. Which turned the delusion in a different direction. From the thought she is disgusted about myself into the she loves me direction again.

Honestly I wish so fucking hard I would die. I am lost for words that this is my life. I think I will breakdown (and then kill myself) maybe the increase of the dosage of my antipsychotics can postpone this process. This all is so fucking insane. Please let me die. But I know noone will give me that present. I have to do it with my own hands there is no mercy in this life.

I have the feeling the people in my self-help group are very judgemental because they don't have experiences with my illness. I think I will ghost them. Social interactions trigger me but at the same time I am so fucking lonely. This forum is one of the best things that ever happened in my life and I mean this unironically.

 

[lightnings]

Child abuse is a real thing indeed and the negative long therm effects are huge.
Physical and emotional abuse have similar effects (Source ACEs).
I can relate to the fact that nothing heals our 'damaged mind' but I do not encourage anyone to avoid taking their meds as well.
I wish one day our sufference will stop along with the looping cycle.

 

[noname223]

Child abuse is a real thing indeed and the negative long therm effects are huge.
Physical and emotional abuse have similar effects (Source ACEs).
I can relate to the fact that nothing heals our 'damaged mind' but I do not encourage anyone to avoid taking their meds as well.
I wish one day our sufference will stop along with the looping cycle.

Thank you for your kind reply and for reading this thread.

You are (hopefully) right that I can return one day to the good old nothingness.

 

[Unattainable666]

I agree with you one hundred percent. My mother was a narc. My entire life she never hugged me or told me she loved me. She constantly told me she wished she never had me, how stupid I was, lazy, fat, ugly and the worst was that I would never find anyone to love me. I remember one time I was practicing to try out for cheerleader, she asked what I was doing and I told her. She informed me that I was too fat and ugly to ever make cheerleader - from that second on I never tried out. I often wonder who I might have turned out to be if she had loved me. Instead I am now a 62 year old woman who is so desperate to be loved, to be cared for that I've made terrible decisions. I became a pathetic human being begging people to love me. I hate my life and what I became. I know as an adult they tell you that you have a choice to be who you want. Unfortunately, all I hear is her voice in my head telling me how worthless I am. Death would be a relief, but I've already failed once I don;t want t fail again

 

[LetMeBeSad]

Child abuse might as well be considered a death sentence. Even if an abused child survives until natural death, the struggle is likely near unbearable.

I know I'm pissed off that I essentially have to reparent myself. The fact that they got their fucking rocks off and I'm left trying to just cope, is maddening. It sucks so much that they are responsible but, I'm left holding the bag.

Every single person that actively targets children deserves to be hung by their eye lids and kicked in the balls until they blink.

Fuck every last one of you sick fucks. And yes, I know there are some of you here. Fuck you anyways. Every one of you that kills yourselves is another victory in my mind.

 

[FireFox]

Child abuse might as well be considered a death sentence. Even if an abused child survives until natural death, the struggle is likely near unbearable.

I know I'm pissed off that I essentially have to reparent myself. The fact that they got their fucking rocks off and I'm left trying to just cope, is maddening. It sucks so much that they are responsible but, I'm left holding the bag.

Every single person that actively targets children deserves to be hung by their eye lids and kicked in the balls until they blink.

Fuck every last one of you sick fucks. And yes, I know there are some of you here. Fuck you anyways. Every one of you that kills yourselves is another victory in my mind.

@LetMeBeSad Child abuse is the worst crime a human being can commit because it brings a lifetime of suffering and torment to the victim. Any human being that abuses children deserves absolutely everything they are going to get these people deserve nothing but suffering.

I strongly believe child abusers should be ineligible from ever getting any euthanasia or assisted suicide if they get terminally ill. These arseholes don't deserve a peaceful and dignified death. Euthanasia should not be available to be child abusers, rapists, pedophiles and murders.I believe governments should bring laws like that. Some people don't deserve dignity in death and deserve to suffer up until the very end of their lives.

 

[AInilam]

It's even worse when the people who're responsible for your suffering and who continue to perpetuate it through their negligence tell you to just get over it, that everyone is able to move on so why can't you? I hope my death comes as a spit in the face, because it definitely shouldn't come as a surprise after the things they've put me through.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

@LetMeBeSad Child abuse is the worst crime a human being can commit because it brings a lifetime of suffering and torment to the victim. Any human being that abuses children deserves absolutely everything they are going to get these people deserve nothing but suffering.

I strongly believe child abusers should be ineligible from ever getting any euthanasia or assisted suicide if they get terminally ill. These arseholes don't deserve a peaceful and dignified death. Euthanasia should not be available to be child abusers, rapists, pedophiles and murders.I believe governments should bring laws like that. Some people don't deserve dignity in death and deserve to suffer up until the very end of their lives.

100% Cut into little pieces while being kept alive as long as possible. Years. There should be a medical program for that. I'd give up my right to self-determination to see that happen.

It's even worse when the people who're responsible for your suffering and who continue to perpetuate it through their negligence tell you to just get over it, that everyone is able to move on so why can't you? I hope my death comes as a spit in the face, because it definitely shouldn't come as a surprise after the things they've put me through.

Horrible. They are disgusting. I'm sorry you have to go through that. Mine are already dead. Easy for everyone else to forget. Fucking pricks.

 

[FireFox]

I agree with you one hundred percent. My mother was a narc. My entire life she never hugged me or told me she loved me. She constantly told me she wished she never had me, how stupid I was, lazy, fat, ugly and the worst was that I would never find anyone to love me. I remember one time I was practicing to try out for cheerleader, she asked what I was doing and I told her. She informed me that I was too fat and ugly to ever make cheerleader - from that second on I never tried out. I often wonder who I might have turned out to be if she had loved me. Instead I am now a 62 year old woman who is so desperate to be loved, to be cared for that I've made terrible decisions. I became a pathetic human being begging people to love me. I hate my life and what I became. I know as an adult they tell you that you have a choice to be who you want. Unfortunately, all I hear is her voice in my head telling me how worthless I am. Death would be a relief, but I've already failed once I don;t want t fail again

@Unattainable666 You deserved so much better. I don't understand why people have kids if they are never going to love them.

Your mother is so selfish because she had plenty of options, she didnt have to keep you. She could have given you up for adoption when you were born or alternatively she could have placed you in the foster care system and let the government look after you.

This is why child abusers are pure evil and irredeemable because they know the harm they are doing is wrong. Child abuse is the worst crime a human being can commit and such humans deserve nothing but suffering throughout their lives until the day they die.

If you are mother is dead I say Rot in hell to your mother. She does not deserve peace in life and in death.

 

[Aim]

Couldn't agree more! They are murderers of the soul and they deserve punishments! The end!

 

[Unattainable666]

@Unattainable666 You deserved so much better. I don't understand why people have kids if they are never going to love them.

Your mother is so selfish because she had plenty of options, she didnt have to keep you. She could have given you up for adoption when you were born or alternatively she could have placed you in the foster care system and let the government look after you.

This is why child abusers are pure evil and irredeemable because they know the harm they are doing is wrong. Child abuse is the worst crime a human being can commit and such humans deserve nothing but suffering throughout their lives until the day they die.

If you are mother is dead I say Rot in hell to your mother. She does not deserve peace in life and in death.

I've not seen or heard from her in over 40 years no love lost she fucked up my entire life.

 

[notherenotnow]

Right? In my country child abuse is either ignored or treated like a theft ot something! Its so goddamb stupid. In my morality, hurting a child in any way is the worst thing one can do. I hope everybody who hurts children will go through the worst things ever.

 

[Peaceful Departure]

It's beyond disgusting! The amount i fantasize about killing them is ludicris. It's so fucked too because i have only met 3 ppl in my entire life who i'd consider abusive, and the 3 of them truly ended any chance at life for me. I love people, but why did i have to end up surrounded by demons? Now i'm broken, and isolated from being used. Just wish i could be reborn into a different family!

 

[Aim]

It's beyond disgusting! The amount i fantasize about killing them is ludicris. It's so fucked too because i have only met 3 ppl in my entire life who i'd consider abusive, and the 3 of them truly ended any chance at life for me. I love people, but why did i have to end up surrounded by demons? Now i'm broken, and isolated from being used. Just wish i could be reborn into a different family!

I feel this one. I dont have thoughts of wanting to kill them, but I have dreams about karma hitting them hard. I know that my mother is going to rot alone. Obliviously. She lost everyone around her. For my dad. Idk. He has a wife that is a beautiful hardworking person, and pretty naive. So she keeps him alive. But he uses woman. Talks shit about everyone yells and shames everyone almost it feels like. Idk. I think he is a good actor. But without my stephmom he would be nothing. Because he is nothing. He is a non abuse narsissist. Compared to my mother. That is high on the sociopath spectrum. My dad is 60 years old and brags about how cool it is to smoke weed and that trump is the man. Real glory right there. lol

But actually i see things very clearly now, that my parents are so screwed up themself that I don't even think they for one second are capable of awareness to all the harm that is done. My mother is highly abusive both mentally, emotionally and physically. But she denies it when confronted. She has trashed cars, hit people, bullied. You name it. It's everything but normal behavior. But then she cries, terrorizes and blames people for leaving her. Like wtf is that?!?! I will never understand it. However, there is no excuse. It must be mental illness, something is seriously lacking in my parents. They are two extremely immature horribel people. That the world would go on perfectly fine without. In fact, the world will be a sunnier place. Lol

Sorry about your abuse. You are definitely not alone if that help anything And you certainly didn't deserve it.

 

[Imprisoned]

My parents would constantly beat me and torment the shit out of me. I'd be crying my eyes out everytime they'd hit me, wishing for the other parent to help me (but of course they would never). I even got thrown out the house in the snow once for trying to stand up for myself. I even remember my mom once keeping me home from school because she slapped me so hard that there was a mark on my face, and she was afraid that the teachers would do something about it. In hindsight, I shouldve said something, but they gaslit me with the whole "we are a family" schtik. They'd always treat me like im the "crazy one" and would always give me shit for trying to stand up for myself. My mom would say that she and my dad were "cursed by god" in reference to me. I just wanted to be loved.

They pretty much normalized violence in our family. I became violent for a time as a kid and would hit other kids when they'd treat me like crap and eventually would hit back at my parents too. I'd break stuff around the house in anger as well. It's funny just how terrible I had been. I hate myself so much. I wish my materials would come soon so I dont have to live with this and myself. FUCK

Sorry if I made this all about me btw. I guess my point was that I could really, really relate to your title and how you feel in your post as well (to a lesser extent admitdly, since I've never been to college). I also tried to "get help" and my experience with that is pretty similar as well. A ton of mental health "professionals" and the entire pharmacy later and I'm still completely fucked up. I don't think there'll be a "happy ending" to my story..

 

[Aim]

My parents would constantly beat me and torment the shit out of me. I'd be crying my eyes out everytime they'd hit me, wishing for the other parent to help me (but of course they would never). I even got thrown out the house in the snow once for trying to stand up for myself. I even remember my mom once keeping me home from school because she slapped me so hard that there was a mark on my face, and she was afraid that the teachers would do something about it. In hindsight, I shouldve said something, but they gaslit me with the whole "we are a family" schtik. They'd always treat me like im the "crazy one" and would always give me shit for trying to stand up for myself. My mom would say that she and my dad were "cursed by god" in reference to me. I just wanted to be loved.

They pretty much normalized violence in our family. I became violent for a time as a kid and would hit other kids when they'd treat me like crap and eventually would hit back at my parents too. I'd break stuff around the house in anger as well. It's funny just how terrible I had been. I hate myself so much. I wish my materials would come soon so I dont have to live with this and myself. FUCK

Sorry if I made this all about me btw. I guess my point was that I could really, really relate to your title and how you feel in your post as well (to a lesser extent admitdly, since I've never been to college). I also tried to "get help" and my experience with that is pretty similar as well. A ton of mental health "professionals" and the entire pharmacy later and I'm still completely fucked up. I don't think there'll be a "happy ending" to my story..

You didn't It's only positive that your capable of putting your sufferings into words its just sad that you endured that.

 

[Imprisoned]

You didn't It's good for you that your capable of putting your sufferings into words its just sad that you endured that.

Thank you for the kind words..

 

[Unattainable666]

Honestly I only added the part with punished like that because it sounds good. The nuances are way too intricate for such a statement. If my parents went to jail I had no more financial resources and had to kill myself earlier.

I am probably not the only one here. If there is someone delusional on here you get a bad feeling ethically and concerns about legality. However I am a pretty good example of a person that has delusions but still is very rational about suicide. This is something most doctors would never acknowledge. I tried over 25 different medication, 3 psychotherapies, several clinics stays. I am now suicidal since 10 years. Nothing helps except becoming manic.

My brain is bouncing against the walls. College triggers the shit out of me. I have like 5 different delusional thoughts which haunt me cyclically. My friends get overburdened. One of them asked me some minutes ago not to update him anymore. And my friends are very patient. I am now in this state for so long. I am just completely beyond my limit college wise. It takes so fucking much of me. What I am doing is completely ripping me apart. I think most humans would have given up after 3 months. I am now studying 2 years. More and more new symptoms emerge which shows the deterioration process. My stomach goes insane. I never experienced something like that. I feel mentally so fucked up that my hunger is almost completely gone. I eat fucking chocolate and chips not to lose much more weight. For my mom this is the biggest concern. She always was like that downplaying the mental pain but hell breaks loose for her when I don't eat enough. I joke to her I really really don't give a fuck about the losing weight aspect when I am going through this insane mental pain. My dad worries about me getting into an accident or stuff like that. I told I him could not give less fucks. I pray every single day something would kill me. I beg for it but it won't happen.

I am reaching out for help and noone is there. My friends are the best but they are also beyond their limit. My parents are not really helpful. My psychiatrist does not know what to say anymore. Everything just repeats especially with the love delusions. I could not reach her. Honestly she sucks ass. But still one of the better psychiatrists I met. I unilaterally increase the dosage of my antipsychotics to the maximum. I am confronted with a decision. I am done I am so fucking done. I cannot do it anymore. My mind goes insane because college demands way too much. I don't have any alternative to college. Unemployment means suicide in the longrun. I cannot take addictive medication. I did this the last semester and it made everything worse. So increasing the antipsychotics to the maximum is the way to go but the pain is so big that I doubt anything will help.

My psychiatrist cannot be reached. I messaged another therapist who just told me to go to my psychiatrist. The person of my support network was not available either but another staff member messaged me. I thought they would write a mail but they called me which surprised me. I did not realize that call. After she left a second message I saw it and called her. I cried my eyes out when I called her. I was extremely depressed and was crying so fucking hard. It was after I took a bath. Sometimes when I am feeling the worst I take a bath. I felt so extremely depressed and triggered that I had the feeling either I am passing out or I will hallucinate which I only did once in my life. I hoped for a psychogenic death but I doubt I will have that much luck.

My delusions are a woman at college would either love or despise me. I have a very similar thought with another woman in my self-help group. Then I am worrying the people in my self-help group considered me insane and wanted to spread rumors about me. Rationally probably none of these people give a fuck about me. My friends recommended me to distance myself from them but I messaged one of these people once again. Which turned the delusion in a different direction. From the thought she is disgusted about myself into the she loves me direction again.

Honestly I wish so fucking hard I would die. I am lost for words that this is my life. I think I will breakdown (and then kill myself) maybe the increase of the dosage of my antipsychotics can postpone this process. This all is so fucking insane. Please let me die. But I know noone will give me that present. I have to do it with my own hands there is no mercy in this life.

I have the feeling the people in my self-help group are very judgemental because they don't have experiences with my illness. I think I will ghost them. Social interactions trigger me but at the same time I am so fucking lonely. This forum is one of the best things that ever happened in my life and I mean this unironically.

I agree 100%. I'm 62 and so fucked up from being abused I'll never survive.

 

[Aim]

I agree 100%. I'm 62 and so fucked up from being abused I'll never survive.

I hope you will fiend your peace. sometimes it's so unfair to think that suicide is the only way out. When the damaged is for the most part caused by external factors. Its like all the odds of having a healthy and happy life was crushed in the hands of others. That was supposed to love you. I wish nothing good for humans like this. It's so not deserved. What's so sad is that the results are still the same and is going to be the same no mather how much revenge is a tempting though. Freaking hard to accept. However, sending you blessings

 

[amaluuk]

When I was 4 a neighbor introduced me to his amateur porn business, let's call it. I was the youngest one and for a little under a year I got to meet and break the ice with all sorts of people, adults and older kids alike. Some of these experiences were so enjoyable you could almost call it consensual. Others were awful, especially when it was one on one with my neighbor and there was at least one instance it got so bad I had a near-death-experience and thought I was a goner. Until I wasn't.

When it ended I went into kindergarten, and then I started trying to meet up with older boys for similar sexual experiences so I could feel worthwhile again. One was very kind and graceful as a partner, the other mounted me and tried to use his spit as a lubricant (hint: porn lies, it doesn't work) and so I never did it again at that school. My folks moved to California and so I tried it again at that school in first grade but the staff watched us like a hawk there and I never got a chance. Past that even in lieu of irl sexual activities my childhood was marked with hypersexuality and a general desire and interest in sex, as a 1st to 3rd grader I would fantasize about being abducted by a pedophile and then onwards it got markedly more about the sex than the "relationship".

I've never been able to fit in with people irl, or kids my age. The internet has been the only place where I've ever been able to form meaningful connections with people. In person I don't know what to do with people if it's not sexual, I have no interest or even much of a frame of reference for socially normal interactions and can rarely sustain them for longer than an hour. I talk to real life people for school/official purposes only, that's it. I'm not even that socially awkward for someone as autistic as me, which is saying a lot as someone who got diagnosed at 1 or 2 years old (not sure which). I might be a little anxious, but only as much as any zoomer is these days. I maintain reasonable eye contact, speak clearly and with good posture, and can even crack jokes casually/shoot the shit with people. The problem is not with my ability to function around other people, it is with my desire to. Major difference.

My disinterest in engaging with other people has also expanded to social media and because I don't use anything other than Discord and the odd imageboard here and there, I'm essentially a ghost in real life and have been very easily "left behind" so to speak. I'm not upset about that part though, it's not like I wanted those guys to notice me, it just is what it is. I'm a ghost, and being a ghost kept me safe from getting revictimized.

The worst part though is the creeping feeling and eventual acceptance of the fact that virtually all of my personhood has been claimed by my little movie star days. I've already established the effects it's had on my socialization, but the effects on my sexuality have been markedly worse. As a child I was particularly fond of the older kids who had sex with me because they were usually nicer than the adults, and so in addition to my attractions I'm also attracted to pubescent (11-14 year old) kids as well. It was an easier thing to ignore when I was 15 because hey, hormones are hormones and it'll take care of itself. But years on and no change in my attractions has been fucking devastating. The attractions that I made in those formative years have been so imprinting that I can't value people outside of them ('cept for my mom, she's been great. I'm blessed to have her) and the thought of inflicting on others what was inflicted on me is nauseating. It's part of why I'm ultimately trying to CBT. I would much rather be dead than to ever have to consider a point where I might no longer be in control of my own mind and do something to other people (especially CHILDREN) that I cannot take back and would never be able to right. Hopefully my sodium azide order gets processed and we never have to see that come to pass.

Fundamentally you either can or you can't move on, and I sure as fuck can't.

My parents would constantly beat me and torment the shit out of me. I'd be crying my eyes out everytime they'd hit me, wishing for the other parent to help me (but of course they would never). I even got thrown out the house in the snow once for trying to stand up for myself. I even remember my mom once keeping me home from school because she slapped me so hard that there was a mark on my face, and she was afraid that the teachers would do something about it. In hindsight, I shouldve said something, but they gaslit me with the whole "we are a family" schtik. They'd always treat me like im the "crazy one" and would always give me shit for trying to stand up for myself. My mom would say that she and my dad were "cursed by god" in reference to me. I just wanted to be loved.

They pretty much normalized violence in our family. I became violent for a time as a kid and would hit other kids when they'd treat me like crap and eventually would hit back at my parents too. I'd break stuff around the house in anger as well. It's funny just how terrible I had been. I hate myself so much. I wish my materials would come soon so I dont have to live with this and myself. FUCK

Sorry if I made this all about me btw. I guess my point was that I could really, really relate to your title and how you feel in your post as well (to a lesser extent admitdly, since I've never been to college). I also tried to "get help" and my experience with that is pretty similar as well. A ton of mental health "professionals" and the entire pharmacy later and I'm still completely fucked up. I don't think there'll be a "happy ending" to my story..

People in "mental health" or whatever you wanna call it are rarely equipped to deal with anything serious. Most of them are just pop psych morons who specialize in "family & marriage therapy", aka fuckall but le mindfulness and le CBT and le "seems like you might be a threat to yourself or others anon, do I need to call the psych ward?"

I used to be more of a hardliner anti-psych but I've moderated where now I think it's mostly that psychiatry only works for certain people whose issues are more easily approachable than others, but nobody wants to approach the bleak but necessary reality that some issues just cannot be fixed no matter how much you try. I hope your methods bring you the peace you've been denied for so long.

 

[Imprisoned]

When I was 4 a neighbor introduced me to his amateur porn business, let's call it. I was the youngest one and for a little under a year I got to meet and break the ice with all sorts of people, adults and older kids alike. Some of these experiences were so enjoyable you could almost call it consensual. Others were awful, especially when it was one on one with my neighbor and there was at least one instance it got so bad I had a near-death-experience and thought I was a goner. Until I wasn't.

When it ended I went into kindergarten, and then I started trying to meet up with older boys for similar sexual experiences so I could feel worthwhile again. One was very kind and graceful as a partner, the other mounted me and tried to use his spit as a lubricant (hint: porn lies, it doesn't work) and so I never did it again at that school. My folks moved to California and so I tried it again at that school in first grade but the staff watched us like a hawk there and I never got a chance. Past that even in lieu of irl sexual activities my childhood was marked with hypersexuality and a general desire and interest in sex, as a 1st to 3rd grader I would fantasize about being abducted by a pedophile and then onwards it got markedly more about the sex than the "relationship".

I've never been able to fit in with people irl, or kids my age. The internet has been the only place where I've ever been able to form meaningful connections with people. In person I don't know what to do with people if it's not sexual, I have no interest or even much of a frame of reference for socially normal interactions and can rarely sustain them for longer than an hour. I talk to real life people for school/official purposes only, that's it. I'm not even that socially awkward for someone as autistic as me, which is saying a lot as someone who got diagnosed at 1 or 2 years old (not sure which). I might be a little anxious, but only as much as any zoomer is these days. I maintain reasonable eye contact, speak clearly and with good posture, and can even crack jokes casually/shoot the shit with people. The problem is not with my ability to function around other people, it is with my desire to. Major difference.

My disinterest in engaging with other people has also expanded to social media and because I don't use anything other than Discord and the odd imageboard here and there, I'm essentially a ghost in real life and have been very easily "left behind" so to speak. I'm not upset about that part though, it's not like I wanted those guys to notice me, it just is what it is. I'm a ghost, and being a ghost kept me safe from getting revictimized.

The worst part though is the creeping feeling and eventual acceptance of the fact that virtually all of my personhood has been claimed by my little movie star days. I've already established the effects it's had on my socialization, but the effects on my sexuality have been markedly worse. As a child I was particularly fond of the older kids who had sex with me because they were usually nicer than the adults, and so in addition to my attractions I'm also attracted to pubescent (11-14 year old) kids as well. It was an easier thing to ignore when I was 15 because hey, hormones are hormones and it'll take care of itself. But years on and no change in my attractions has been fucking devastating. The attractions that I made in those formative years have been so imprinting that I can't value people outside of them ('cept for my mom, she's been great. I'm blessed to have her) and the thought of inflicting on others what was inflicted on me is nauseating. It's part of why I'm ultimately trying to CBT. I would much rather be dead than to ever have to consider a point where I might no longer be in control of my own mind and do something to other people (especially CHILDREN) that I cannot take back and would never be able to right. Hopefully my sodium azide order gets processed and we never have to see that come to pass.

Fundamentally you either can or you can't move on, and I sure as fuck can't.


People in "mental health" or whatever you wanna call it are rarely equipped to deal with anything serious. Most of them are just pop psych morons who specialize in "family & marriage therapy", aka fuckall but le mindfulness and le CBT and le "seems like you might be a threat to yourself or others anon, do I need to call the psych ward?"

I used to be more of a hardliner anti-psych but I've moderated where now I think it's mostly that psychiatry only works for certain people whose issues are more easily approachable than others, but nobody wants to approach the bleak but necessary reality that some issues just cannot be fixed no matter how much you try. I hope your methods bring you the peace you've been denied for so long.

Hey, I've read your entire post, and im so sorry... I can completely understand why you wanna ctb and I wish people like you and I had easy, accessable, and peaceful options to do it, rather than be forced to continue our nightmarish existence and suffer for the rest of our lives. Some people just can't really be "helped" or "saved", especially after a certain point when the damage is too much to bear. It's almost like your brain just starts entering "self destruct mode" where it just seeks to end itself no matter what. At least, that's been my experience..

I think what really caught my eye was how, like you said, so much of your personhood has been claimed by your traumatic experiences. It does harken back to my own experience, where after so many times of being abused and mistreated by my parents, it seemed to have consumed me and created the "foundation" for today's me; a broken, reclusive, bitter, and dysfunctional individual. I had a lot of anxiety growing up and it made me afraid to reach out to people or "be myself". My parents would criticize and judge everything I did, so I eventually just sorta became very reclusive and wouldn't really engage much with people out of fear of being treated the same way. I essentially became a ghost as you described, which at first, while unpleasant, it did help provide some sense of security, but as the years went on, became something I aspired to. At this point, I just want to be left alone for the most part, as well as be forgotten, which is why I'd like to be cremated once I die (but sadly my wishes probably will not be respected since my parents would be the legal "next of kin", so yah :/)

The other thing which has became a bit of a motif in my life was the lack of love in my life. I saw getting a romantic partner as a way to receive the love that I desired out of my parents but never gotten. Due to everything I mentioned though, as well as a host of other reasons, I never really was able to find one, which just made things worse. I never had any super close friends that I would be comfortable opening up to either (until recently), so I didn't really have any sort of emotional support growing up. It led to a lot of bullying because I was the only one who was always alone and thus an easy target. I was constantly scared of others and the world and would just do whatever it took to get to the next day, which usually involved neglecting my studies and just gaming for as long as possible to escape from the pain. All the while, of course, everyone else is leaps and bounds ahead of you..

Basically, my point in the last two paragraphs was that I could relate to how you felt about trauam "claiming your personhood", even if my experiences weren't as horrible as yours. We're just empty shells of human beings at this point. I've found it pretty hard to move on from all of this as well, especially since things have only gotten worse and worse, with me developing crippling OCD and reaching an age where you're now expected to "figure things out for yourself" and try to secure employment otherwise you freeze and die. It's just hard to be a normal, functioning adult when your foundation (childhood and your formative years) is already falling apart, with cracks and craters everywhere. I'm sure you can at least somewhat relate to this feeling as well..

And lastly, the fear of repeating it, which I commend you for having the restraint and conscienceness to stop yourself no matter what. Abused people often become abusers themselves, so im happy that we're both working on breaking that cycle. Although, in my case, I've already done it to others when I was a kid, and it feels pretty fucking terrible that I ended up just becoming violent to others.. It's something I deeply regret and something others will have to live with as well. My parents love to use it against me as well, "proving" that I am a bad and crazy person. Idk. I guess I'm happy that I was able to control myself once I reached late teenagehood, but by then it was kinda too late. I hope I can ctb so that something like this doesn't happen again, because, like you, I do sometimes think "what if I lose control and lash out at someone violently?" It's insane to me how so much in life depends on choosing the right parents, as some would say..

Yeah, these so called "professionals" are often fucking idiots who only care about their paychecks. You're just another number to them. I remember talking about some of my negative experiences and being told "people without arms and legs are doing it, what's your excuse?" along with a whole slew of other equally idiotic and dismissive platitudes. It's actually what insprired me to make my thread "post platitude you hate" or whatever I called it. Once you realize the influence of pharmaceutical companies in this mental health shit it becomes abundantly clear what this is all about. I don't trust them or anyone else. I just want peace. I hate myself and the world. I hope me and you can find that peace, sooner rather than later.

 

[amaluuk]

Hey, I've read your entire post, and im so sorry... I can completely understand why you wanna ctb and I wish people like you and I had easy, accessable, and peaceful options to do it, rather than be forced to continue our nightmarish existence and suffer for the rest of our lives. Some people just can't really be "helped" or "saved", especially after a certain point when the damage is too much to bear. It's almost like your brain just starts entering "self destruct mode" where it just seeks to end itself no matter what. At least, that's been my experience..

I think what really caught my eye was how, like you said, so much of your personhood has been claimed by your traumatic experiences. It does harken back to my own experience, where after so many times of being abused and mistreated by my parents, it seemed to have consumed me and created the "foundation" for today's me; a broken, reclusive, bitter, and dysfunctional individual. I had a lot of anxiety growing up and it made me afraid to reach out to people or "be myself". My parents would criticize and judge everything I did, so I eventually just sorta became very reclusive and wouldn't really engage much with people out of fear of being treated the same way. I essentially became a ghost as you described, which at first, while unpleasant, it did help provide some sense of security, but as the years went on, became something I aspired to. At this point, I just want to be left alone for the most part, as well as be forgotten, which is why I'd like to be cremated once I die (but sadly my wishes probably will not be respected since my parents would be the legal "next of kin", so yah :/)

The other thing which has became a bit of a motif in my life was the lack of love in my life. I saw getting a romantic partner as a way to receive the love that I desired out of my parents but never gotten. Due to everything I mentioned though, as well as a host of other reasons, I never really was able to find one, which just made things worse. I never had any super close friends that I would be comfortable opening up to either (until recently), so I didn't really have any sort of emotional support growing up. It led to a lot of bullying because I was the only one who was always alone and thus an easy target. I was constantly scared of others and the world and would just do whatever it took to get to the next day, which usually involved neglecting my studies and just gaming for as long as possible to escape from the pain. All the while, of course, everyone else is leaps and bounds ahead of you..

Basically, my point in the last two paragraphs was that I could relate to how you felt about trauam "claiming your personhood", even if my experiences weren't as horrible as yours. We're just empty shells of human beings at this point. I've found it pretty hard to move on from all of this as well, especially since things have only gotten worse and worse, with me developing crippling OCD and reaching an age where you're now expected to "figure things out for yourself" and try to secure employment otherwise you freeze and die. It's just hard to be a normal, functioning adult when your foundation (childhood and your formative years) is already falling apart, with cracks and craters everywhere. I'm sure you can at least somewhat relate to this feeling as well..

And lastly, the fear of repeating it, which I commend you for having the restraint and conscienceness to stop yourself no matter what. Abused people often become abusers themselves, so im happy that we're both working on breaking that cycle. Although, in my case, I've already done it to others when I was a kid, and it feels pretty fucking terrible that I ended up just becoming violent to others.. It's something I deeply regret and something others will have to live with as well. My parents love to use it against me as well, "proving" that I am a bad and crazy person. Idk. I guess I'm happy that I was able to control myself once I reached late teenagehood, but by then it was kinda too late. I hope I can ctb so that something like this doesn't happen again, because, like you, I do sometimes think "what if I lose control and lash out at someone violently?" It's insane to me how so much in life depends on choosing the right parents, as some would say..

Yeah, these so called "professionals" are often fucking idiots who only care about their paychecks. You're just another number to them. I remember talking about some of my negative experiences and being told "people without arms and legs are doing it, what's your excuse?" along with a whole slew of other equally idiotic and dismissive platitudes. It's actually what insprired me to make my thread "post platitude you hate" or whatever I called it. Once you realize the influence of pharmaceutical companies in this mental health shit it becomes abundantly clear what this is all about. I don't trust them or anyone else. I just want peace. I hate myself and the world. I hope me and you can find that peace, sooner rather than later.

Well, thank you. I really appreciate the kind words.

I don't think I had it worse than you. I mean even if we're going to entertain whether people's experiences were worse, I only ever really had two or three genuine life or death experiences, and if we're being honest only one of those is something I'm certain felt like that at the time. I also got to go home to good parents when it was all over. You had no escape from that. Your parents seemed to want you dead from day one and you had to grow up with that fear and uncertainty your whole life. You had no escape from day one. I at least got a few good years before things went to hell, and even after that I had some good times as a kid once we moved where I was able to almost enjoy living for a short little while before the energy fizzled out.

I'm still not sure if you ever had so much as a moment's fucking peace from parents who were essentially putting you in life or death conditions since day one.

Anyhow, I feel a lot of what you related, especially with trying to find a romantic partner. From about 11 to 16, my one major goal in life was to find a boyfriend that could make me whole and magically fix up all my life's problems. Our love would overcome all and we would find a beautiful meaning in life together, or so I thought. Then I actually got to date someone and even though we had similar interests, I found him physically attractive, and Christ we even had similar mental problems I just could not make it work. I lost interest in him, then I became afraid of seeing him, and it felt like it would be the same for any other crushes. Interest in them initially, but the moment love becomes requited suddenly it's not so amazing. I can't really explain it, it's just as though my mind is this contradictory puzzle that simultaneously wants people but can't bear to actually have them. Either way, having someone who would have been a great date did not work despite my best wishes.

Another thing is that I was never really bullied much. Isolated, sure. Quietly ostracized? Very much so. But that's not really the same thing. Being left alone when you want to be left alone is just called being treated with respect. I didn't want them to pay attention to me and so they didn't. I'm sorry that people sought you out just to fuck with you, as though your own parents weren't enough in that department. I hope you're in more calm circumstances now.

Functioning, jobs, etc. Yes that's very hard to do with the cracks of a shitty childhood. You never really got to be a kid to begin with, so now suddenly having to be an adult feels both tired and also as though it already happened. I don't think I never got to be a kid, I'm just in a situation where you need to want to care about your life to get a job and I frankly don't. Or maybe I'm just trying to pretend I have autonomy over something that's inhibited by my various mental disorders that we don't need to get into. Fucked either way.

I don't think you should feel bad about those things you did as a kid. Yeah, they were probably pretty bad. You were also a kid who was in constant fight-or-flight and therefore not entirely culpable for actions that I presume happened years ago. At any rate I think you've got a good shot of not repeating things but what do I know, I'm not in your life. I commend you for taking control over things though. Despite everything I still get the impression that you are a good person. In my case, it's easy for me to sit back and play old video games that I liked when I was a kid, eat things that I ate as a kid, and really close my eyes and visualize those days so God damn hard that I'd swear I could open them and be right back there in a time where it was more morally acceptable for me to have the attractions I do because I still had the age imbalance. Of course that's not going to happen though and it's been 10 years since then. I'm now a grown adult who has to answer for my own actions and unfortunately that calls for doing whatever it takes to make sure I don't harm people. I'm sure you can relate to that in some way.

And yup, fuck "professionals". They never know what they're doing. I hope we all find peace, for better or worse, sooner rather than later.

 

[Imprisoned]

Well, thank you. I really appreciate the kind words.

I don't think I had it worse than you. I mean even if we're going to entertain whether people's experiences were worse, I only ever really had two or three genuine life or death experiences, and if we're being honest only one of those is something I'm certain felt like that at the time. I also got to go home to good parents when it was all over. You had no escape from that. Your parents seemed to want you dead from day one and you had to grow up with that fear and uncertainty your whole life. You had no escape from day one. I at least got a few good years before things went to hell, and even after that I had some good times as a kid once we moved where I was able to almost enjoy living for a short little while before the energy fizzled out.

I'm still not sure if you ever had so much as a moment's fucking peace from parents who were essentially putting you in life or death conditions since day one.

Anyhow, I feel a lot of what you related, especially with trying to find a romantic partner. From about 11 to 16, my one major goal in life was to find a boyfriend that could make me whole and magically fix up all my life's problems. Our love would overcome all and we would find a beautiful meaning in life together, or so I thought. Then I actually got to date someone and even though we had similar interests, I found him physically attractive, and Christ we even had similar mental problems I just could not make it work. I lost interest in him, then I became afraid of seeing him, and it felt like it would be the same for any other crushes. Interest in them initially, but the moment love becomes requited suddenly it's not so amazing. I can't really explain it, it's just as though my mind is this contradictory puzzle that simultaneously wants people but can't bear to actually have them. Either way, having someone who would have been a great date did not work despite my best wishes.

Another thing is that I was never really bullied much. Isolated, sure. Quietly ostracized? Very much so. But that's not really the same thing. Being left alone when you want to be left alone is just called being treated with respect. I didn't want them to pay attention to me and so they didn't. I'm sorry that people sought you out just to fuck with you, as though your own parents weren't enough in that department. I hope you're in more calm circumstances now.

Functioning, jobs, etc. Yes that's very hard to do with the cracks of a shitty childhood. You never really got to be a kid to begin with, so now suddenly having to be an adult feels both tired and also as though it already happened. I don't think I never got to be a kid, I'm just in a situation where you need to want to care about your life to get a job and I frankly don't. Or maybe I'm just trying to pretend I have autonomy over something that's inhibited by my various mental disorders that we don't need to get into. Fucked either way.

I don't think you should feel bad about those things you did as a kid. Yeah, they were probably pretty bad. You were also a kid who was in constant fight-or-flight and therefore not entirely culpable for actions that I presume happened years ago. At any rate I think you've got a good shot of not repeating things but what do I know, I'm not in your life. I commend you for taking control over things though. Despite everything I still get the impression that you are a good person. In my case, it's easy for me to sit back and play old video games that I liked when I was a kid, eat things that I ate as a kid, and really close my eyes and visualize those days so God damn hard that I'd swear I could open them and be right back there in a time where it was more morally acceptable for me to have the attractions I do because I still had the age imbalance. Of course that's not going to happen though and it's been 10 years since then. I'm now a grown adult who has to answer for my own actions and unfortunately that calls for doing whatever it takes to make sure I don't harm people. I'm sure you can relate to that in some way.

And yup, fuck "professionals". They never know what they're doing. I hope we all find peace, for better or worse, sooner rather than later.

I really appreciate your kindness as well! And yeah, I guess at the end of the day it doesn't really matter who had it worse. We'll hopefully find peace soon. Yeah, it's pretty bad having a family like this, and I'm glad your parents were good and supportive towards you. I wouldn't say my childhood was all bad; I still had cool games and tv shows that I liked watching, and it helped me cope, and that's in addition to, of course being largely naive of how the world works and the "childlike wonder" you have towards everything (hence the phrase I guess)

Yeah, it's funny how I had the same line of thought, that I'd find a partner and they'll magically fix all my life problems and save me. I was too isolated and weird, in addition to being conventionally unattractive during my school days, so it never really panned out to anything. At this point, I don't think would save me at all (or even back then for that matter). I have a friend whom I love dearly. He showed me what it's like to truly be loved and appreciated by someone else. What love actually means. He's such a kind soul. I've tried so hard to hold off ctb just for his sake, because I know he would be devastated if I actually did it, especially if it's in a gruesome way like the train method. It sometimes makes me cry.. But idk, I guess someone's going to end up suffering either way.. The pain is just too much to bear. Maybe I'd change my mind if my life can get better, but I'm not counting on it. I guess there's some time though, since stuff takes forever to arrive by mail. I suppose we'll have to see. But yeah, my point was that I got what I've always dreamt of, someone to truly connect with and love, but I've still ended up here... :/

I'm glad people pretty much left you alone as you desired. Yeah, it really sucked to have people fucking with you on top of everything else. Thankfully I'm out of school now so it's not a problem anymore. I feel a lot better in that respect.

Yep, it's pretty difficult indeed; I think you've summed up how I feel about it pretty well. I can relate to what you said about getting a job though. I'm rapidly approaching a point in my life where I'm just sorta becoming more and more apathetic to things in general. Of course, that makes it hard to get a job and "rejoin society" (from years of self isolation) so to speak, but it is what it is I guess.

I see. Yeah, I guess you make some good points. At this point in time, all I can really do is just not repeat it, which after growing up, cutting off contact from my parents and the rest of my family, and sort of getting to this "acceptance" stage of my life, where I'm slowly accepting my circumstances and place in this world as my "new normal", I'd hope I've at least created good enough conditions to where something like that won't occur again. It doesnt help that my parents used to hold it against me like I mentioned in a previous post, lol. But regardless, like you mentioned, as a grown adult, you're culpable for your own actions and so we have to make sure no harm is done, both for our sake and for everyone else's. I do think you're also a kind and thoughtful person

And yup, fuck "professionals". They never know what they're doing. I hope we all find peace, for better or worse, sooner rather than later.

Yup. I've had some pretty bad experiences with them and my latest one (which was a few months ago now, has me saying "never again!" ..it's a bit more complicated than that tbh but that's sort of the gist of it). Some of them are probably nice people but in my experience the vast majority just aren't worth their salt. I'm glad I at least didn't experience the double whammy of paying for it on top of their shitty treatment (it's covered by the government where I live). So yeah.

 

[AnonymousL]

I agree with you one hundred percent. My mother was a narc. My entire life she never hugged me or told me she loved me. She constantly told me she wished she never had me, how stupid I was, lazy, fat, ugly and the worst was that I would never find anyone to love me. I remember one time I was practicing to try out for cheerleader, she asked what I was doing and I told her. She informed me that I was too fat and ugly to ever make cheerleader - from that second on I never tried out. I often wonder who I might have turned out to be if she had loved me. Instead I am now a 62 year old woman who is so desperate to be loved, to be cared for that I've made terrible decisions. I became a pathetic human being begging people to love me. I hate my life and what I became. I know as an adult they tell you that you have a choice to be who you want. Unfortunately, all I hear is her voice in my head telling me how worthless I am. Death would be a relief, but I've already failed once I don;t want t fail again

Your comment breaks my heart. To a point where I'm speechless for words.

Yet I did want to reply.

It's cruel what you have been through. And its bravery for being 62 with those experiences.

I hope you find peace

 

[amaluuk]

I agree with you one hundred percent. My mother was a narc. My entire life she never hugged me or told me she loved me. She constantly told me she wished she never had me, how stupid I was, lazy, fat, ugly and the worst was that I would never find anyone to love me. I remember one time I was practicing to try out for cheerleader, she asked what I was doing and I told her. She informed me that I was too fat and ugly to ever make cheerleader - from that second on I never tried out. I often wonder who I might have turned out to be if she had loved me. Instead I am now a 62 year old woman who is so desperate to be loved, to be cared for that I've made terrible decisions. I became a pathetic human being begging people to love me. I hate my life and what I became. I know as an adult they tell you that you have a choice to be who you want. Unfortunately, all I hear is her voice in my head telling me how worthless I am. Death would be a relief, but I've already failed once I don;t want t fail again

They say that words can't hurt but that's total bullshit. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this kind of abuse and hatred from your own mother. You're not pathetic, at the very least not any level of pathetic approaching the woman who was supposed to be your mom but instead messed you up like this. Please take care, and know that your mother is wrong, even as much as it might feel that she's right.