Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 20,893
Alright, here's that 20,000th shitpost. Honestly I was thinking I could hold out longer but I kind of miss being able to respond to everything so here's a more in depth description of what happened to me on Wednesday. As for the suggestions I guess I'll make this post into some combination of all that somehow.
Sorry if you're behind on my ongoing shitty saga. It would be pretty difficult to catch up to it all since it would require reading hundreds of posts on my profile of incoherent nonsense. Uhhh to summarize I guess my crush, should I even call her that anymore? The coworker who I've had a crush on and probably ruined her life as a result of that? Yeah. The one I get so anxious about every time the thought of her entering within a 50 foot radius even occurs.
Anyway, I've been trying to find ways to placate my anxiety lately. I started with these Stress relieving gummies from Target. I needed like 10 of them at once when only 2 per day is recommended. So to increase my upgrade I switched to CBD gummies, which have no THC so I shouldn't get high off them. The recommended dose for this is only one per day though and on Wednesday I actually took 5. Yesterday I had to take 7 but I may or may not get to that later. I can feel them working. They definitely reduced my anxiety quite a bit although the thoughts themselves didn't really go away they just don't pervade me as much. And yet…during these moments it feels like I SHOULD be panicking and yet I don't. It's like trying to put out a fire with water but there's not enough water? Idk. I think this may have done lasting damage to my thought processing. Maybe it's not permanent but oh well.
Oh so what happened on Wednesday? Uhhh I had taken two at this point. I was sitting at one end of a table in the break room for my lunch break. I had headphones in but they weren't up all the way. Another girl is sitting further away from me. Suddenly, my crush comes in and sits across from this other girl. She (the crush) sees I'm there but since I have headphones we both pretend not to acknowledge each other. I lower my volume which I think she sees so maybe she knows I can hear her? First thing she does is ask the other girl if she can sit in front of her. The other girl says of course, why even ask? "Why indeed?" She says, not so subtly referencing all the times I've asked to sit with her in a similar awkward fashion.
She then proceeds to tell this other girl a story that feels very scripted and coded to be references to me. Now hold on I know you're probably thinking something like "why wouldn't she have just talked to you directly then?" Well you see that's because she was probably afraid I'd get afraid and run away if she tried to talk to me. The story is about this time she was invited to a pool party and found out that everyone there was actually part of some polycule relationship (two dudes and four women) and they didn't directly ask her to join them but they did want her to play DM for their Dungeons and Dragons sessions. She apparently really likes Dungeons and Dragons. She makes a lot of references to her friend that I've seen her with before saying that he's like her best friend and stuff. I guess that was also meant to be her way of expositing this info to me? She also mentions that role playing through games like D&D is a great way to work through mental problems and stuff.
Now I'm pretty crazy. She could have just talked about all this BECAUSE I was wearing headphones and was pretending not to pay attention to her. It's possible she wouldn't have said anything if I could hear and none of this was meant for me. So why, would she even go to all this trouble for me? The right thing to do is just ignore it right? But it's driving me crazy and I genuinely think I'd have to fully lobotomize myself just to stop caring. I know I'm wrong to think she even wants anything to do with me. I'm missing a lot of details but I swear that whole experience felt like she planned to tell it to me ages ago. But if that's really what she was planning then why wouldn't she just talk to me directly? She could be rightfully afraid that I'm not in the most stable position to accept any words from her…
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm just a pathetic 30 year old virgin incel who can't even handle the thought of a woman I like just being my friend. I doubt she actually wants to be friends with me. I talked to another coworker who talks with her a lot and he said she still very much wants to be my friend but like……why? What do I offer as a friend if I'm too obsessed with her to settle for that? Is she knowingly trying to toy with my feelings as some kind of sick game? I really hope not. I don't consume any incel content but I'm pretty sure that's something they'd think all women do or something. Idk I know the patriarchy is a real thing I just wish I could actually benefit from it more somehow. I know that makes me evil but why try to fight it and deny that I am? My take is that a lot of incel rhetoric kinda shoots itself in the foot calling women foids because then they go back to spiraling that women are actually the masterminds behind everything in society like which is it? At the same time I recognize the term foid probably only caught on so well because it's only one syllable and you can't just call women "girls" anymore or they'll feel inferior which I understand. Gals also just doesn't seem right so we're stuck with guys and girls. I also often find myself using the term females and males to refer to people so I think I'm just beyond all redemption and I'm just getting exactly what I deserve. Many people try to tell me this is all my own fault as if that's some big revelation. I know it's my fault. I'm doing it on purpose. I'm purposely being a shitty person because there's no reason for me to be better knowing that if I try I'm just going to sabotage it later either intentionally or not. And yet my heart still yearns for love and affection and happiness like some greedy undeserving imp that feels entitled to things only good people deserve.
Perhaps this is why I've been resonating with Shadow the Hedgehog more than usual. Silver is my favorite character. I've unfortunately not played many of the games he's actually significantly in except for Sonic Adventure 2, Generations, and Forces but I know enough of his backstory and his music to wish I could be that cool and own what I am, which I'm still really unsure of what I am. What other characters even have this level of cool? I suppose there's guys like Vegeta and Sasuke but I haven't really watched those. Earlier this year I was fixating on Garfield and watching old episodes of Garfield and Friends. Watching through the show I find I really relate a lot with Wade, the cowardly duck on the Orson's Farm part of the show who's literally afraid of everything and annoys everybody with it. Just like me fr.
Idk. What are my plans going forward? I'd like this to be the year I finally get a girlfriend but that's selfish and I know I'll never actually want to work on myself until I have one first which I know is the wrong Order of Operations but my stubborn mind won't have it any other way so guess I'll die. I hope this heat wave will persist so I can go drown somewhere outside come November. I keep saying I need to get around to it but now my mind and body are always too tired to plan suicide unfortunately. I might have to reduce the level of planning required.
Feel free to ask me anything since that was another suggestion for this post. I'm sorry I couldn't get to other suggestions so have a face reveal.
Sorry if you're behind on my ongoing shitty saga. It would be pretty difficult to catch up to it all since it would require reading hundreds of posts on my profile of incoherent nonsense. Uhhh to summarize I guess my crush, should I even call her that anymore? The coworker who I've had a crush on and probably ruined her life as a result of that? Yeah. The one I get so anxious about every time the thought of her entering within a 50 foot radius even occurs.
Anyway, I've been trying to find ways to placate my anxiety lately. I started with these Stress relieving gummies from Target. I needed like 10 of them at once when only 2 per day is recommended. So to increase my upgrade I switched to CBD gummies, which have no THC so I shouldn't get high off them. The recommended dose for this is only one per day though and on Wednesday I actually took 5. Yesterday I had to take 7 but I may or may not get to that later. I can feel them working. They definitely reduced my anxiety quite a bit although the thoughts themselves didn't really go away they just don't pervade me as much. And yet…during these moments it feels like I SHOULD be panicking and yet I don't. It's like trying to put out a fire with water but there's not enough water? Idk. I think this may have done lasting damage to my thought processing. Maybe it's not permanent but oh well.
Oh so what happened on Wednesday? Uhhh I had taken two at this point. I was sitting at one end of a table in the break room for my lunch break. I had headphones in but they weren't up all the way. Another girl is sitting further away from me. Suddenly, my crush comes in and sits across from this other girl. She (the crush) sees I'm there but since I have headphones we both pretend not to acknowledge each other. I lower my volume which I think she sees so maybe she knows I can hear her? First thing she does is ask the other girl if she can sit in front of her. The other girl says of course, why even ask? "Why indeed?" She says, not so subtly referencing all the times I've asked to sit with her in a similar awkward fashion.
She then proceeds to tell this other girl a story that feels very scripted and coded to be references to me. Now hold on I know you're probably thinking something like "why wouldn't she have just talked to you directly then?" Well you see that's because she was probably afraid I'd get afraid and run away if she tried to talk to me. The story is about this time she was invited to a pool party and found out that everyone there was actually part of some polycule relationship (two dudes and four women) and they didn't directly ask her to join them but they did want her to play DM for their Dungeons and Dragons sessions. She apparently really likes Dungeons and Dragons. She makes a lot of references to her friend that I've seen her with before saying that he's like her best friend and stuff. I guess that was also meant to be her way of expositing this info to me? She also mentions that role playing through games like D&D is a great way to work through mental problems and stuff.
Now I'm pretty crazy. She could have just talked about all this BECAUSE I was wearing headphones and was pretending not to pay attention to her. It's possible she wouldn't have said anything if I could hear and none of this was meant for me. So why, would she even go to all this trouble for me? The right thing to do is just ignore it right? But it's driving me crazy and I genuinely think I'd have to fully lobotomize myself just to stop caring. I know I'm wrong to think she even wants anything to do with me. I'm missing a lot of details but I swear that whole experience felt like she planned to tell it to me ages ago. But if that's really what she was planning then why wouldn't she just talk to me directly? She could be rightfully afraid that I'm not in the most stable position to accept any words from her…
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm just a pathetic 30 year old virgin incel who can't even handle the thought of a woman I like just being my friend. I doubt she actually wants to be friends with me. I talked to another coworker who talks with her a lot and he said she still very much wants to be my friend but like……why? What do I offer as a friend if I'm too obsessed with her to settle for that? Is she knowingly trying to toy with my feelings as some kind of sick game? I really hope not. I don't consume any incel content but I'm pretty sure that's something they'd think all women do or something. Idk I know the patriarchy is a real thing I just wish I could actually benefit from it more somehow. I know that makes me evil but why try to fight it and deny that I am? My take is that a lot of incel rhetoric kinda shoots itself in the foot calling women foids because then they go back to spiraling that women are actually the masterminds behind everything in society like which is it? At the same time I recognize the term foid probably only caught on so well because it's only one syllable and you can't just call women "girls" anymore or they'll feel inferior which I understand. Gals also just doesn't seem right so we're stuck with guys and girls. I also often find myself using the term females and males to refer to people so I think I'm just beyond all redemption and I'm just getting exactly what I deserve. Many people try to tell me this is all my own fault as if that's some big revelation. I know it's my fault. I'm doing it on purpose. I'm purposely being a shitty person because there's no reason for me to be better knowing that if I try I'm just going to sabotage it later either intentionally or not. And yet my heart still yearns for love and affection and happiness like some greedy undeserving imp that feels entitled to things only good people deserve.
Perhaps this is why I've been resonating with Shadow the Hedgehog more than usual. Silver is my favorite character. I've unfortunately not played many of the games he's actually significantly in except for Sonic Adventure 2, Generations, and Forces but I know enough of his backstory and his music to wish I could be that cool and own what I am, which I'm still really unsure of what I am. What other characters even have this level of cool? I suppose there's guys like Vegeta and Sasuke but I haven't really watched those. Earlier this year I was fixating on Garfield and watching old episodes of Garfield and Friends. Watching through the show I find I really relate a lot with Wade, the cowardly duck on the Orson's Farm part of the show who's literally afraid of everything and annoys everybody with it. Just like me fr.
Idk. What are my plans going forward? I'd like this to be the year I finally get a girlfriend but that's selfish and I know I'll never actually want to work on myself until I have one first which I know is the wrong Order of Operations but my stubborn mind won't have it any other way so guess I'll die. I hope this heat wave will persist so I can go drown somewhere outside come November. I keep saying I need to get around to it but now my mind and body are always too tired to plan suicide unfortunately. I might have to reduce the level of planning required.
Feel free to ask me anything since that was another suggestion for this post. I'm sorry I couldn't get to other suggestions so have a face reveal.
