Story Chaos Controlled?

[Dr Iron Arc]

Alright, here's that 20,000th shitpost. Honestly I was thinking I could hold out longer but I kind of miss being able to respond to everything so here's a more in depth description of what happened to me on Wednesday. As for the suggestions I guess I'll make this post into some combination of all that somehow.

Sorry if you're behind on my ongoing shitty saga. It would be pretty difficult to catch up to it all since it would require reading hundreds of posts on my profile of incoherent nonsense. Uhhh to summarize I guess my crush, should I even call her that anymore? The coworker who I've had a crush on and probably ruined her life as a result of that? Yeah. The one I get so anxious about every time the thought of her entering within a 50 foot radius even occurs.

Anyway, I've been trying to find ways to placate my anxiety lately. I started with these Stress relieving gummies from Target. I needed like 10 of them at once when only 2 per day is recommended. So to increase my upgrade I switched to CBD gummies, which have no THC so I shouldn't get high off them. The recommended dose for this is only one per day though and on Wednesday I actually took 5. Yesterday I had to take 7 but I may or may not get to that later. I can feel them working. They definitely reduced my anxiety quite a bit although the thoughts themselves didn't really go away they just don't pervade me as much. And yet…during these moments it feels like I SHOULD be panicking and yet I don't. It's like trying to put out a fire with water but there's not enough water? Idk. I think this may have done lasting damage to my thought processing. Maybe it's not permanent but oh well.

Oh so what happened on Wednesday? Uhhh I had taken two at this point. I was sitting at one end of a table in the break room for my lunch break. I had headphones in but they weren't up all the way. Another girl is sitting further away from me. Suddenly, my crush comes in and sits across from this other girl. She (the crush) sees I'm there but since I have headphones we both pretend not to acknowledge each other. I lower my volume which I think she sees so maybe she knows I can hear her? First thing she does is ask the other girl if she can sit in front of her. The other girl says of course, why even ask? "Why indeed?" She says, not so subtly referencing all the times I've asked to sit with her in a similar awkward fashion.

She then proceeds to tell this other girl a story that feels very scripted and coded to be references to me. Now hold on I know you're probably thinking something like "why wouldn't she have just talked to you directly then?" Well you see that's because she was probably afraid I'd get afraid and run away if she tried to talk to me. The story is about this time she was invited to a pool party and found out that everyone there was actually part of some polycule relationship (two dudes and four women) and they didn't directly ask her to join them but they did want her to play DM for their Dungeons and Dragons sessions. She apparently really likes Dungeons and Dragons. She makes a lot of references to her friend that I've seen her with before saying that he's like her best friend and stuff. I guess that was also meant to be her way of expositing this info to me? She also mentions that role playing through games like D&D is a great way to work through mental problems and stuff.

Now I'm pretty crazy. She could have just talked about all this BECAUSE I was wearing headphones and was pretending not to pay attention to her. It's possible she wouldn't have said anything if I could hear and none of this was meant for me. So why, would she even go to all this trouble for me? The right thing to do is just ignore it right? But it's driving me crazy and I genuinely think I'd have to fully lobotomize myself just to stop caring. I know I'm wrong to think she even wants anything to do with me. I'm missing a lot of details but I swear that whole experience felt like she planned to tell it to me ages ago. But if that's really what she was planning then why wouldn't she just talk to me directly? She could be rightfully afraid that I'm not in the most stable position to accept any words from her…

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm just a pathetic 30 year old virgin incel who can't even handle the thought of a woman I like just being my friend. I doubt she actually wants to be friends with me. I talked to another coworker who talks with her a lot and he said she still very much wants to be my friend but like……why? What do I offer as a friend if I'm too obsessed with her to settle for that? Is she knowingly trying to toy with my feelings as some kind of sick game? I really hope not. I don't consume any incel content but I'm pretty sure that's something they'd think all women do or something. Idk I know the patriarchy is a real thing I just wish I could actually benefit from it more somehow. I know that makes me evil but why try to fight it and deny that I am? My take is that a lot of incel rhetoric kinda shoots itself in the foot calling women foids because then they go back to spiraling that women are actually the masterminds behind everything in society like which is it? At the same time I recognize the term foid probably only caught on so well because it's only one syllable and you can't just call women "girls" anymore or they'll feel inferior which I understand. Gals also just doesn't seem right so we're stuck with guys and girls. I also often find myself using the term females and males to refer to people so I think I'm just beyond all redemption and I'm just getting exactly what I deserve. Many people try to tell me this is all my own fault as if that's some big revelation. I know it's my fault. I'm doing it on purpose. I'm purposely being a shitty person because there's no reason for me to be better knowing that if I try I'm just going to sabotage it later either intentionally or not. And yet my heart still yearns for love and affection and happiness like some greedy undeserving imp that feels entitled to things only good people deserve.

Perhaps this is why I've been resonating with Shadow the Hedgehog more than usual. Silver is my favorite character. I've unfortunately not played many of the games he's actually significantly in except for Sonic Adventure 2, Generations, and Forces but I know enough of his backstory and his music to wish I could be that cool and own what I am, which I'm still really unsure of what I am. What other characters even have this level of cool? I suppose there's guys like Vegeta and Sasuke but I haven't really watched those. Earlier this year I was fixating on Garfield and watching old episodes of Garfield and Friends. Watching through the show I find I really relate a lot with Wade, the cowardly duck on the Orson's Farm part of the show who's literally afraid of everything and annoys everybody with it. Just like me fr.

Idk. What are my plans going forward? I'd like this to be the year I finally get a girlfriend but that's selfish and I know I'll never actually want to work on myself until I have one first which I know is the wrong Order of Operations but my stubborn mind won't have it any other way so guess I'll die. I hope this heat wave will persist so I can go drown somewhere outside come November. I keep saying I need to get around to it but now my mind and body are always too tired to plan suicide unfortunately. I might have to reduce the level of planning required.

Feel free to ask me anything since that was another suggestion for this post. I'm sorry I couldn't get to other suggestions so have a face reveal.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm sorry I couldn't get to other suggestions so have a face reveal.

You son of bitch.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Well, you did great in terms of combining all the elements we hoped and expected to be incorporated as part of your 20,000th post.

You're pretty ginger for an Asian dude. Is that racist? Also, you're no stranger to love my ass.

 

[derpyderpins]

I have indeed been following the saga but it's good to get some more detail.

The thing with "why would she want to be friends, is she leading me on, were the incels right, etc" is that 'no' the incels are not right that women are evil, but women are in fact human and have at least a slight upper hand in the dating market now. I have no reason to doubt that she really does want to be your friend. Subconsciously, it probably does seem beneficial to her to have a friend who is dedicated as you are, even if it's at your expense. There probably is also sadly a bit of validity to the theory of keeping a potential partner 'on the hook' in case you ever need them.

This does not make her malicious. Why drive the person who is into you away? It's our social protocol to not be 100% truthful. It sounds very good and mature to want to be friends. It also is giving you - at least in her mind - a lifeline to get past your limerance.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: you aren't a loser for being a virgin nor for caring about someone. But you have to acknowledge when it's not healthy and when it isn't going to happen.

I've started telling you before about when I was in a similar situation, but my limerant object wasn't as kind as yours. (I need to put disclaimers now: this story is about what happened in the past to me IRL. That seems obvious but I need to clarify.) I was prepared to share this with a friend here but that isn't happening now so I'll give you a little more to the story as a present for your 20,000th post.

Spoiler

I told my friend "I can't do this anymore, just hanging out with her as part of the group like nothing is up is killing me." That night, we were going to a big work/social event. (Lots of people. Lawyer event for the city.) We saw her there and while I wasn't mean or anything, I clearly wasn't going to hang out with her. After that event, my friend and I go back to hang out at my apartment. She shows up, drunk, with her friend. We let them in and she looks at me and says "I love you!" and starts clinging all over me with the other two in the room. The first time I wasn't the one chasing.

You aren't getting the whole story here, because however sad and pathetic you're picturing it's honestly a little worse in detail. She did spend the night. But skipping ahead: the next morning she left and cut me off, clearly wanting nothing to do with me romantically. A couple days later she brilliantly deduced that I was hurt and could not comprehend how the person I was pining for declaring their love one night and cutting me off the next morning would hurt me emotionally. Never spoke to her again, even when she text me first, and that was for the best. It hurt like hell and was a terribly dark time for me but I met my now fiance a little over a month later, because I let go and moved on.

Take from that what you will.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Spoiler

I told my friend "I can't do this anymore, just hanging out with her as part of the group like nothing is up is killing me." That night, we were going to a big work/social event. (Lots of people. Lawyer event for the city.) We saw her there and while I wasn't mean or anything, I clearly wasn't going to hang out with her. After that event, my friend and I go back to hang out at my apartment. She shows up, drunk, with her friend. We let them in and she looks at me and says "I love you!" and starts clinging all over me with the other two in the room. The first time I wasn't the one chasing.

You aren't getting the whole story here, because however sad and pathetic you're picturing it's honestly a little worse in detail. She did spend the night. But skipping ahead: the next morning she left and cut me off, clearly wanting nothing to do with me romantically. A couple days later she brilliantly deduced that I was hurt and could not comprehend how the person I was pining for declaring their love one night and cutting me off the next morning would hurt me emotionally. Never spoke to her again, even when she text me first, and that was for the best. It hurt like hell and was a terribly dark time for me but I met my now fiance a little over a month later, because I let go and moved on.

Take from that what you will.

Thanks for the info. That did hurt to read though at least things ended up better for you a bit later. I suppose the takeaway from this is for me to move on too, though I wish it were that easy for me. I'd probably have to leave my job entirely before I can even think about moving on and even then I'm paranoid that that could still be the wrong choice somehow but it's possible she might not be fit for me at all anyway and yet until someone better comes along I just can't even fathom moving on. It's like taking a step in the dark while surrounded by deep puddles. I can't move around until I know I'm not going to fall in again but that's impossible to determine so I won't because I'm too cowardly. At the very least I should probably at least talk to my crush more to hopefully see if she's actually intent on being cruel to me or not at least that may make it a little easier to move on hopefully…

 

[damienlerone03]

Feel free to ask me anything since that was another suggestion for this post. I'm sorry I couldn't get to other suggestions so have a face reveal.

glad to see you used my idea