Story Change of plans. CTB in December + LIFE UPDATE

[-FrozenRobot-]

My SN is with me. My meds are with me. But going to my hometown doesn't seem...feasible. My parents know that I'm going to do it again. Yesterday I sat them down and had a "Talk" with them. According to them, They've done everything I want and in their words- I am "Mentally fucked". Such a good day to have ears, huh? I hope not a lot of people hear that from their parents. It's agonizing. I tried to tell them that I was going to visit a friend in my hometown and stay in our family house but...they didn't give me the keys. So now I have to push the CTB date to December when winter vacation starts.
But instead of whining over the change of plans, I'm considering tying up the loose ends.
I'm halfway into Stranger Things. So I gotta finish watching that. I MUST try alcohol. I gotta read the Myth of Sisyphus. I must drop a few pounds and get my digestive system good because that would mean enhanced absorption of SN. I gotta cut out the junk and enjoy my last days in peace.
As they say in Chemical Hearts- Adults are just hurt people who managed to make it alive out of their teenage years. I'm going to view every single person I meet with this perspective in mind.

My parents....let's talk about that story...
They did everything in their power to try to make me love life and...they failed. They are okay with the fact that I'll not be around for a long time. They just don't want me to...tarnish the family name so I gotta do it somewhere I won't be found.
Please note that my father is a doctor and my mother is a psychologist. Absolute retards.
If it was the old me, I'd be worried by the fact that they're okay with me CTB-ing but now I'm just happy. They're okay with me not being here. Isn't that lovely?
I'll probably go on a solo trip by Christmas or New Year's and execute my plan.


I just wanted to update the community that accepted me for who I am and embraced my choice. You all are amazing and I love each and every one of you.
People have always asked me what I wanted to do in life and I didn't really have an answer for that. But recently I did want to do something. I wanted to start an HRT clinic for men- Not for transitioning but enhancing themselves. Like...hormone profile, TRT, bodybuilding stuff, and like that. I am an amateur bodybuilder myself and I think there isn't enough awareness about chemical enhancement inside the BB community. So I wanted to pursue that.

Sometimes, writing down things helps us to deal with them. Rather than writing them in my journal, If I write it here I'd be happy with the fact that someone read them and I'll feel validated.
I've always wanted to live in North America- Canada or The States. But I fantasize about living in Canada a lot. Maybe if I had a good set of parents, I wouldn't be here. As my Canadian friend says- The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. She's been a great support for the past 4 years. God, I wish her a happy life. She's 57, has a kid, has a full-time job, and still manages to chat with me. People like her still exist. Heartwarming.


Alright, Angels. I gotta go now. My hand aches from typing. I'll just keep updating this thread daily- It makes me feel- seen and heard.


Write down things if your heart feels heavy. I can't assure you that it'll take all your pain away but it'll reduce it to some degree. Writing things down always helps.

Byeeee...for now

 

[moondazed]

Hearing those things from your parents must be a sharp pain. Life is so hard as a youth when you don't feel supported or have the means to support yourself, emotionally and otherwise. I'm happy you're taking it upon yourself to reach some of your bucket list items. Exploring and learning things is a real joy.

I hope you find some peace and respite from your pain through this goal

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

Hearing those things from your parents must be a sharp pain. Life is so hard as a youth when you don't feel supported or have the means to support yourself, emotionally and otherwise. I'm happy you're taking it upon yourself to reach some of your bucket list items. Exploring and learning things is a real joy.

I hope you find some peace and respite from your pain through this goal

Well, It was hard until I went through some "Enlightenment period" back when I was religious and...and I realized nothing matters. In the end, we are just remains of some star. I also became interested in Nihilism and that's helping a bit. Whenever I feel bad I just tell myself "Hey, This isn't real. What you're feeling does not exist. It doesn't matter in a few days." And I try to distract myself with the pretty things of life- Movies, Literature, Music and I'm really happy that I have my best friend and his elder brother. They've been really kind to me and man...they're like popular people. Influencer stuff. They are the only people I am sad about leaving. But in a few days, they'll get over me too. They're popular and they've got work to do.
I keep going by just telling myself that nothing matters. Still, waiting 2 months to CTB feels kinda right when I haven't tried alcohol yet.
I am going through a manic episode and I'm off my meds so I talk random stuff. Sorry lol

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans.

 

[moondazed]

Well, It was hard until I went through some "Enlightenment period" back when I was religious and...and I realized nothing matters. In the end, we are just remains of some star. I also became interested in Nihilism and that's helping a bit. Whenever I feel bad I just tell myself "Hey, This isn't real. What you're feeling does not exist. It doesn't matter in a few days." And I try to distract myself with the pretty things of life- Movies, Literature, Music and I'm really happy that I have my best friend and his elder brother. They've been really kind to me and man...they're like popular people. Influencer stuff. They are the only people I am sad about leaving. But in a few days, they'll get over me too. They're popular and they've got work to do.
I keep going by just telling myself that nothing matters. Still, waiting 2 months to CTB feels kinda right when I haven't tried alcohol yet.
I am going through a manic episode and I'm off my meds so I talk random stuff. Sorry lol

Ur all good let it out, that's why you're here ya? Good to hear you've got some pals on your side. Careful with the booze lol, it can make you feel pretty sick if you go too hard

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

I'm not attending class today. I feel like shit today. I've started to browse motels for CTB. I'm thinking about what I can say at home so that they won't call me or ask me where I'm going.
I'm also planning on getting some xanax or valium to keep me calm but I don't know if I'll be able to save that much money before December. I do have my essentials though.
I think it'd be proper if I book a room for the weekend and CTB on the night I go to the motel.
I'm kinda anxious staying at a motel by myself. Would they get suspicious about why I'm alone? It seems daunting.

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

Why do families have to suck so much? I don't know if this is the case with every family but in my family- there isn't a single day that passes without an argument or fight.
I'm pretty sure I'll take a pan to my father's head if he messes with me again. I can't tolerate him anymore. He's a fucking...leech. He signed me up for med school just so he can talk to his friends about it. I've never seen a piece of shit like him before. I've written everything about him in my journal and I think it's enough for the cops to arrest him under Parental abuse. Maybe it's just straight up abuse or violence since I am 20. But the incidents happened are from back when I was 15.

Last year I took a couple of weeks from class and came home. I wasn't feeling well and I got into self harm again after 1 year. I texted my psychiatrist the pics and she immediately asked me to return home- so I did. Thought my stay at home that bastard kept nagging me about how I should study better, focus on getting good grades rather than "escaping" my problems and "creating things inside my mind". The audacity to push a human beyond what he is capable of just so you can talk about his success in your friend circle is just awful.

So, during the last few days of my stay at home- an argument broke out. I just grabbed some cash, went out and brought a couple of blades. Then I returned home and slashed my stomach a lot. Didn't keep count. But I have like 7 dark scars on my abdomen [I'm sure they'll get suspicious about it when they cut me open in the morgue and investigate it.]

Then I wore a hoodie and walked to the hospital in tears. Right when I was waiting for my psychiatrist to see me, this asshole calls me and says "i am having chest pains bwcause of you. f you aren't coming home right now, I'll call the cops on you" what kind of psychopath would do that ? I came home, running, bleeding out.

Then my mom drove me back..we waited for my doc until 1 am and she without a question, sedated me. I was getting sleepy mid conversation. If you want to know how strong that sedative was : I didn't remember driving back home , getting to bed, waking up in the morning, driving to the airport, buying books and getting back home. I remember nothing about it. I came to know about it after a month.

This is just one of the many incidents that happened after my serious attempt at CTB in 2021. Before that I had a overdose, self harming, asphyxiation and few childish stuff.

I am dumb. I agree. My dad calls me dumb often. My question is...if you know I'm dumb why the fuck would you sign me up for med school? Who is dumb here ?

I gotta buy milk. I'll write more when I'm back.
The only reason I'm posting this is because my whole life, I've been bottling up things. When I close my eyes for the last time, I don't want to think "Oh shit. No one knows what I've been through"

Despite my toxic household, I've developed this "Grown man" attitude of acting all okay when everything is wrong and panicking for petty stuff. I literally got my foot broken and I was like " what happened?" While the entire gang of kids whom I played with got alerted by the sound of my bones crushing. But when I have a test, or I inflict self harm I feel guilty. I *used* to feel guilty. But then as things got worse I stopped caring about things. I developed this nihilistic perspective of the world. Stopped seeing the point of waking up, going to class, holding conversations, eating. The result in the end is the same. You're going to turn to ash!!!!

Now everyday I wake up- I'm not excited. I'm not sad either. I just carry on with my day, indulge myself in songs, movies and books(fiction) and go to bed. I was an amature bodybuilder but I've stopped going to the gym now. I start my day with a wank and end my day with a couple of wanks. I'm failing my classes. I've stopped interacting with people. But that's not a bad thing, right ? I have no one to question me.

All I'm saying is, life has no purpose. If every individual in this planet lived as they wish, they would experience the state of bliss. The people ruling us- are simply wrong. Who are they to stuff their opinion on us ? You wanna live? Go live. But don't you dare force me to. By doing that, you'd be endangering yourself. Not all humans are the same. Talking about me here, after a period of continuous stress, I reach the fracture point where I start getting violent. I'm pretty sure people like me exist out there.

I feel so awful right now. Music isn't going to help. I'm not going to the gym. My eyes hurt. Ugh. Man, I'm fucked.

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

Finally it's Friday.
I was planning on going out drinking with my classmates but those fuckers are going to some concert or some shit. Not my scene. I've never been to a concert before and I don't want to. Ever. I just wanted to drink... Not interact with euphoric people.


I can stay home, and fantasize about my CTB, what would it be like to inhale for the last time? What it would be like to step out of my house for the final time, what would it be like to give a nasty smile at my parents- knowing that the cops are gonna screw them for the abuse. It's going to be awesome.



I'm planning on going out with a friend if he's not working this weekend. He isn't too excited to talk with me so I guess I won't. It'd be amazing if we could order booze online. I really want to try vodka with soda. Going hard the first time lol.


I'll probably roleplay, listen to songs, study nihilism, and sleep. It's just hard, man. I don't know who made my life this hard. It's highly annoying to live when you are only supposed to follow a set of guidelines laid out by some idiotic, neanderthal mf who has the brain of a lizard and calls that Freedom! Real freedom exists only in death. Everything is just a fugazzi.
I feel...so angry right now. I hate everyone in my life. I want to CTB right now. I think I could pull off full suspension if I do it right now. Or a knife to the throat. I need a cathartic release but being a man, I'll never get any.
To be honest, I don't hate life. I hate THIS life I am in. It'd be nice to have a good set of parents, a good friend, a good partner, a dog or two. I think life would be peaceful somewhere in rural America or Europe.

I gotta go. Class. Fuck

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

Hey guys. I've gotten back into reading. I should have read Nietzsche in 2021. I regret not doing that. If I had read it earlier, I would have spent these 3 years in peace before getting my ticket out of here. Another way to say - Nietzche is the best therapist a person could ever have.


I had a thought this week. If nothing matters anymore, I could quit med school, do a personal trainer program, and move to Croatia under digital Nomad visa. I could have a fresh start...A clean slate. I wouldn't lead a comfortable life in terms of money but eventually, I'll get there. I'll find someone who'd ask me if I slept well...whether I had dinner, someone with whom I can talk about my day sitting out on the porch. I do believe Nietzsche puts forth an extremely valid piece of knowledge.
I'm going to continue reading books and watching TV shows to keep myself distracted. I also listen to tapes of Alan Watts which prove to be soothing. I'd highly suggest them if you're nervous/anxious/ feel like you'll never find a way out of here.


Alright. I'm gonna go watch a bit of Stranger Things. It's good. I wish I was in Hawkins haha. I'd be more than happy to have a mom like Winona Ryder (I'm talking about within the show). She goes to extreme lengths to save her baby boy- My mother wouldn't do a quarter of the things she did but I don't blame her. It's just...it runs within the family.

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

Hey guys!
Things are bad. So bad. I can't think of much to write but I am feeling so bad and irritated. I can't do this shit anymore. I want to move as far as possible from my family. I don't think I can take up a job since I have classes from 7 am to 5 pm.

I don't even know what I'm doing these days. I come home- go to the gym, listen to songs, have dinner, and sleep. Then wake up in the morning and assess how I feel. If I feel too bad, I won't attend classes that day. I've been taking at least one day off every week since September. I can't go for long this way. This is highly unsustainable.

I have some good friends but I am unable to open up to them for some reason. I wish I wasn't this damaged ): I feel scared to trust anyone and I'm definitely not making any new friends. 2019 version of me would cry if he saw me now.

After that, I'm going to starve myself for a week or 2 and get myself ready for SN. I'm kinda heavy right now. So that'll bring me sub 3 digit bodyweight category. I really want to succeed this time. I can't take another loss.

Ah my eyes hurt. I'm going to continue this later.

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

Ah, shit. I never thought I'd have to say this but I've ran out of clothes to wear. I come home and look for a t shirt and my wardrobe is empty. I just picked up a track pant and a stringer for the evening. Fuck. I want my parents to suffer the most painful ending possible. I'm so angry on them. They failed as basic humans. But, considering that my days are numbered...I'm not going to do anything about it.
I can't continue my life like this anymore. My basic rights as a human have been violated. I can't even get a job considering my med school schedule. My father's wardrobe on the other hand is full that he has to store his clothes in a second wardrobe. This is a clown show. I hope so many bad things happen to him (I cannot say them here). No one knows how I'm suffering here. No one. I want to CTB. I'd do anything. I could pull off full suspension right now but the situation isn't favourable. My parents are home. So I can't do anything. But I'm sure I can overcome my survival instinct because I'm so angry and I will do anything to get away from this world. People will talk shit behind my back but I won't care about it anymore. They'll say that my relationship failed...that I'm not good at academics...My parents would say I was a troublemaker and exhibited violent behavior.
None of them are correct. Or wrong entirely.
I can explain them one by one.
My relationship...she didn't like me. Not anymore. That's because my mental health issues got worse and I slipped. That's on me because I should have taken care of my mental health when I knew that my parents aren't taking responsibility anymore [You should know this. I've CTB'd before and I failed. I was at the psych ward and then undergone intensive psychiatric care for 3 years. Still, they're careless and continue making the same mistakes they've made before.]
I'm not good at academics- Yes I am not. I never wanted to study medicine. They rushed me into med school when I was just recovering from my previous CTB attempt. I didn't even consent to sign up. So yes. I am studying something I am not interested in which would mean that my grades aren't good to be good enough. I am not going to apologize for this. This is not on me.
Me being a troublemaker- Yeah the coroner would know that when he sees the scars beneath the clothing. He'd think I'm a psycho haha. I used to cut myself in chest and stomach because cutting in my forearm makes me uncomfortable.
I am not strong enough to trust anyone anymore. Everyone wants me only until they get something they want from me and then leave me alone. I'm tired of this. I think...well,this makes me choke a bit. I think the only person who'll feel my loss is my grandpa. He already lost his son to mental health issues and he'll be heartbroken to know that his daughter drove his grandson to CTB. I'm only worried about him. I love you grandpa.

I don't know what I'm going to do when I finish writing this. I don't want to study. I want to go to the gym but I don't have any clothes to put on. I don't want to sleep yet.
Thank you for being supportive, guys. You always understood what I was trying to express and supported my choice. I wish you peace in whatever you do.

Bye...for now​

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

Hey guys!
Things seemed a bit smooth for a while. But everything that goes up must come down. The same happened here.
I went out with my professor and it was awesome. He talked a lot with me and genuinely paid attention to what I said. It was an amazing ride and we went to a different state. I enjoyed it. He's the kind of friend I need. I'm going to miss him ):
Things aren't looking good at home. I've tried this affirmation thing and I guess it partially worked for me (That professor once asked me to visit his hospital with him and I've always wanted to do that. But I manifested it this week. Is that considered a win? )
It's just a month. I'll be gone. I'll be erased from this cruel, uncertain and inconsiderate world. They can call me a coward but they're the ones who are miserable chasing a meaningless life.
I feel sleepy now. Will update more tomorrow
Take care