Caught my gf cheating, probably going to use my SN soon

[briardweller]

This is not a woe is me post I'm pretty much just numb at this point, I'm genuinely not even the slightest bit sad rather completely resigned and surrendered. I get sad thinking deeply on the perceived loss but in the present moment I can't feel anything but disappointment and a refusal to continue to experience hardship of any extent.

If I do decide to ingest the SN I'll probably write a post with my protocol and basic story leading up to this if anyone's interested at that point. The long-short of it is that I've been cheated on back to back to back, 3 times in a row. Every committed relationship I get cheated on. I can have flings and weird shit in between but when I become a person there's just something I'm missing for women I guess. I reflect on myself a lot, I try to understand what it is like if it keeps happening to me (even though cheating is never right) it can't always not be my fault as to what's driving them to do this. I think I'm pretty much average in most areas maybe stronger in some and lesser in others, but ultimately I can't identify what it actually is that makes me so prone to getting cheated on. I just spent 3 years with this person only to go through her phone for the first time and when we get to a certain person I had already asked her about, she rushed to block the guy on snapchat which deletes all the saved chat history.

She was acting totally fine with showing me everything before, making it seem like I was doing too much and being irrational but like she had nothing to hide. Until I got to there, when she started to flip and said she wasn't comfortable with me going through her shit even though I asked her 3 separate times if she was okay with it. It wasn't even that I wanted to go through her phone, I wanted to be proven wrong and irrational that she would be open and willing to show me everything and that would prove that I was just thinking too hard on things. But I could tell she didn't actually want me to be looking through it and was just saying it to not look guilty, so I kept looking on that intuition..

She immediately flipped it onto me and threatened to kick me out. I wasn't yelling or anything but somehow she claimed I was gonna get thrown out because I was starting shit. But that's the crazy thing, she and her family know the private landlord, and the lease renews monthly. So basically, it doesn't matter if I did nothing wrong, it's just more economical if he sides with the group of tenants he has history with.. so she basically can make me homeless. She knows I don't have a single support system or anything, I don't have family. My dad died and my mom abandoned me. I don't know any of my "family" because my mom just kept us really sheltered, my grandma gave us up pretty fast. I am all alone, my GF first picked me up out of a psych ward anyways, so she knew I had no real support. That's why she does all this stuff to me.

Anyways, enough yapping. I'm currently on my break at work and I'm going to hope for the best when I get home. If everything goes fine maybe I can ride this out and save up long enough to try to make it out. But I'm not going to be homeless ever again. So if it comes to that I'm going full buddhist monk detachment style and 86'ing myself stat

 

[SpanishLullaby]

I think you need to focus on finding your own place even if its just renting a room.

Sounds like you are in a tough place in life. Being fresh out of a ward with no real support is rough and going from that directly into a relationship where you appear to be very reliant on this person does not sound like the best place to stabilize oneself.

The only way to have a clear head is to be in a place where you are self-reliant. If there is a repeat pattern of choosing people that cheat on you then you have to reevaluate your criteria for choosing a person. Its just that simple. I can obviously see that there are many contributing factors to choosing these relationships including an unbalanced power dynamic. If the 2 individuals entering a relationship do not have individual stable lives when getting together, the result will usually be chaos in most circumstances. The unbalanced "power dynamic" whether real or perceived will play a secret role in the relationship. Go look up the iceberg model. There are many reasons in the unconscious / subconscious mind that will affect one's reactions and decisions.

You shouldn't have to go through people's shit. Not sure if this was a triggered request on this particular relationship or a personal requirement for all of your relationships when situations arise. Just drop the person if you dont trust them. Why is it not that simple? If I were deep into a relationship, at least 6 months to 1 yr in, and my partner had a ONE-TIME suspicion due to a random "out of the blue" SUPER WILD situation (which I couldn't forsee anyway), I'd POTENTIALLY let them do it ONLY ONCE. The next request, they'd get dumped. And likewise if I get the inkling that I have to search one's shit (which I am not interested in doing) you're getting dumped.

I wish you luck and happiness. I dont see this alone as a situation to kill yourself over. But if you do decide to move forward anyway, I hope it will be for a different, more self-determined reason.