Caught in the middle… feeling scared and alone.

[opheliaoveragain]

First time poster, long time lurker. I'm hitting my limit and no one in my life seems to understand. I've had ideations preceding the age of 10. I finally reached out for help and had one of what I always thought was a best friend, jump all over me saying why the fuck would anyone reply to that post when you're talking about killing yourself? Maybe bc I'm human and no one deserves to feel utterly ill constantly from panic and fear, and I was hoping someone would be empathetic. I feel so sick and scared and alone. I don't have any kind of solid plans, but lots of thoughts are swirling. I feel like there's no escape while I'm still breathing.

 

[Dusk till dawn]

I'd say you're really lonely when it comes to your friends and family members and such, you can't trust them to tell them you're suicidal and show them your intentions, you'll be constantly monitored and there's even the risk of you being involuntarily hospitalized, the path is really lonely, i get that you feel trapped, having a clear plan that you feel like it works will relieve you

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I'd say you're really lonely when it comes to your friends and family members and such, you can't trust them to tell them you're suicidal and show them your intentions, you'll be constantly monitored and there's even the risk of you being involuntarily hospitalized, the path is really lonely, i get that you feel trapped, having a clear plan that you feel like it works will relieve you

That much has been made clear - I wont be making the mistake of dropping my guard again.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you suffer so much, it certainly is such a cruel existence, I find it really dreadful how some humans just create even more suffering. But anyway best wishes.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I'm sorry you suffer so much, it certainly is such a cruel existence, I find it really dreadful how some humans just create even more suffering. But anyway best wishes.

Thank you. This place feels safe and I'm thankful to have found a place to be able to say the things it's been made clear that no one in my real life wants to listen to. I'm a survivor of Childhood Munchausens by Proxy from an "adoptive parent" more like adopted abuser. She abused me for almost two decades before I got away. Right now I am scared of ending up homeless, but if that happens I'm likely to fall back into fent, hopefully the next time will take me out. Still making multiple plans though.
But now I will only move in silence, except for this gem of an outlet.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

That much has been made clear - I wont be making the mistake of dropping my guard again.

Tell no one. The board is here for you. I certainly never plan to lower my guard and tell anyone.

I really resonate on the 'caught between two worlds'. I am looking for work but ironically one of my non-work activities is CTB planning, so it's weird sending resumes and also getting a will ready etc. because I can't wait to be dead.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Tell no one. The board is here for you. I certainly never plan to lower my guard and tell anyone.

I really resonate on the 'caught between two worlds'. I am looking for work but ironically one of my non-work activities is CTB planning, so it's weird sending resumes and also getting a will ready etc. because I can't wait to be dead.

We're snyc'd up. I am panic sending resumes but know nothing will come even as I research ctb methods. Please feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I spent part of my day applying to jobs I'll never get to digging out a LONG length of good rope, looking up the noose knot (if there''s a better standard knot for a jump hanging, drop it, pun unintended), and putting it around my neck even sitting on my pos sofa, and knowing I had tied it corrrectly gave me more peace and satisfaction then 150 job apps, which only gave me fear…… the difference once your brain really realizes no one is coming to help you, nor could they, out of your current situation, is staggering against the ocean of money based fear.

I spent part of my day applying to jobs I'll never get to digging out a LONG length of good rope, looking up the noose knot (if there''s a better standard knot for a jump hanging, drop it, pun unintended), and putting it around my neck even sitting on my pos sofa, and knowing I had tied it corrrectly gave me more peace and satisfaction then 150 job apps, which only gave me fear…… the difference once your brain really realizes no one is coming to help you, nor could they, out of your current situation, is staggering against the ocean of money based fear.

***Meant to add my brain struggles with certain diagrams etc and getting this right after obsessing over this length of rope since last September, knowing I had the perfect apartment to jump hang, felt great. FUCK IT.

 

[ecliptic]

I don't want to be left alone and tell my parents they love me.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I spent part of my day applying to jobs I'll never get to digging out a LONG length of good rope, looking up the noose knot (if there''s a better standard knot for a jump hanging, drop it, pun unintended), and putting it around my neck even sitting on my pos sofa, and knowing I had tied it corrrectly gave me more peace and satisfaction then 150 job apps, which only gave me fear…… the difference once your brain really realizes no one is coming to help you, nor could they, out of your current situation, is staggering against the ocean of money based fear.

***Meant to add my brain struggles with certain diagrams etc and getting this right after obsessing over this length of rope since last September, knowing I had the perfect apartment to jump hang, felt great. FUCK IT.

I so empathize. The money based fear is real - I have no more unemployment coming in so having to calculate how long I have is just even worse. Yes, happy to chat. I have nobody in my life sadly.

I am SO thankful to know this board exists. I definitely have felt it strange to see this concept of depression and suicide as 'life is so hopeless' when in actual fact for lots of us seeing nobody is coming to help you is a rational statement - there's no faulty negative fatalist thinking. I believe we're going to have more people increase in CTB thinking when climate change starts being even more of an issue. Maybe one day it will feel completely rational to have it as an option.

I will be looking more into methods in the summer

 

[frost_]

I don't know anyone in real life who would really understand talking about this stuff.

Many people know what disappointment is, but frustratingly it's always seem as a "challenge" to "grow" from.

I wouldn't personally tell people. Why would I do that knowing they see things differently? It's true you might make your life more difficult by oversharing with people who doing understand.

 

[feelinggloomy]

Tell no one. The board is here for you. I certainly never plan to lower my guard and tell anyone.

I really resonate on the 'caught between two worlds'. I am looking for work but ironically one of my non-work activities is CTB planning, so it's weird sending resumes and also getting a will ready etc. because I can't wait to be dead.

My gosh when I read this I thought about my son, who went to school, worked and applied to graduate schools and other jobs, all the while planning to CTB. People don't get that. I do, but people don't. All I heard after my son CTB was how much he was doing, working, planning .... he was even planning a trip to Chicago and had a plane ticket and a hotel. But he also had a "bus ticket". You can hold both, I do, I work every day and participate in life, yet I plan to CTB and I actively plan that while at the same time I am doing another job. It is nice to read that it is somewhat "normal" to hold both. Also, many people think something happened the day my son CTB, when in reality nothing happened, he just decided it was time, it was not impulsive, rather well planned. Maybe someday that will provide some peace for me.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Thanks to every response. Still here, still suffering.