Help Catch 22 - No way out

[thisgoesupto11]

Hi All,

Have just joined the forum, but am a long time lurker. Quick list of issues leading me here..

1. Have suffered with depression/anxiety all my adult life
2. Suffer with Chronic Pain on a moderate/severe level daily 24/7/ I have pain in my neck/shoulders, upper and lower back, and finally legs. Its a combination of muscle and nerve pain and can really be debilitating.
3. I suffer with chronic migraines
4. I suffer from opiate addiction. Am currently on Buprenorphine for addiction, but have managed to become addicted to that as well!
5. My other half is what I would call a covert narcissist. Very controlling and manipulative, doesnt under stand the above points).
6. Aborted an attempt to ctb, through my other half finding my helium bottle and contraption.
7. On verge of losing job. If I lose my job and my wife then I will be on the street.

So those issues have cropped up over the last decade. I am at my wits end. I have been mulling over the idea of finding some cliffs to drive over. Problem is I have two wonderful children, I would do anything for them, and I am trying to hang on for them but its so damn difficult. Everyday I dont want to wake up, every day I want the pain to finish, im in agony and anguish... Dont really know where to turn. I dont want the kids to grow up with out their dad, I really really dont, but I cant take this pain.

Anyone out there with similar stories or issues?

Happy new year everyone.

James

 

[TheEndof]

I understand. I am holding on for my son. I don't want him to grow up without me and I definitely don't want him to grow up feeling guilt, which is probably inevitable. My partner is also a narcissist and is actively cheating on me, but I don't have anywhere to go as I am dependent on him for shelter and all the rest of life's necessities. I also feel like I deserve whatever he's doing because I was such a bad person in the past. Last night he threatened to leave us. He would. And I would definitely end up on the streets as I have no friends or family left.

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain. I wish I had advice or something positive to say. But I'm also stuck.

 

[thisgoesupto11]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. In a way its at least some cold comfort to know I am not alone. It doesnt make things any easier for us of course.

My friend said we should be the ones leaving and striking out on our own. I think it is true we should, dont let the bullys win (it makes me so angry to think of men doing that damn them). But I personally I just cant, I am in pain I cant walk properley, where wouid I go? Whoe would employ me? no one. So i let myself be talked down to bullied and made to feel invisible.

My problem is If I did do it, I cant really think of a good way to go anyway? I am in the UK and where I live, no good cliffs to jump off. I was thinking of taking a trip to the east coast, there are some big drops there. I could just go 100mph towards any good cliff and zoom over it nice and warm in my car until the end.

But then I cant do that can I....

How old is your son? Mine are 5 and 10

 

[TheEndof]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. In a way its at least some cold comfort to know I am not alone. It doesnt make things any easier for us of course.

My friend said we should be the ones leaving and striking out on our own. I think it is true we should, dont let the bullys win (it makes me so angry to think of men doing that damn them). But I personally I just cant, I am in pain I cant walk properley, where wouid I go? Whoe would employ me? no one. So i let myself be talked down to bullied and made to feel invisible.

My problem is If I did do it, I cant really think of a good way to go anyway? I am in the UK and where I live, no good cliffs to jump off. I was thinking of taking a trip to the east coast, there are some big drops there. I could just go 100mph towards any good cliff and zoom over it nice and warm in my car until the end.

But then I cant do that can I....

How old is your son? Mine are 5 and 10

He's just a baby. It's a comfort knowing he won't remember me at the very least.

I have tried striking out on my own. I went to university, was moving up in my career was independent for a while... but the depression came creeping back. For no good reason either, everything was going fine. Funny how that works. Now I have nothing and I'm so broken that I don't know how to even begin to put the pieces back together. I can't imagine being in bad physical health on top of all this mental anguish. I'm so sorry.

I've considered jumping, but I think the fear would make me chicken out... unless I'm feeling particularly desperate that day. Ive tried partial hanging but could never get myself to the point of passing out without SI kicking in. I decided on SN since it's relatively easy to get access to and I don't think I'll have the same problems with SI. I hope you can find something that brings you peace.

 

[Quarky00]

I had a friend with cluster headache, another with opiate addiction, those were tough as they are, but that's just a part of your list, while you're torn between it and your children. So I can't even begin to grasp, sounds devastating, in an infinite loop. Indeed 22

 

[thisgoesupto11]

I think the general consensus is to hang on for your children, so that really is all I am doing. If it weren't for those two I'd be gone I reckon. I keep hoping that someone will somehow step in and say, don't worry we can do surgery to fix you up. But it just doesn't happen. I have so many pills I rattle!

Being in the UK we have the glorious NHS which is not capable of handling chronic health conditions like mine, so the end result is very little help. Don't get me wrong the NHS is amazing really, just needs a decent government to sort it out. I doubt this new one will help.

I will keep holding on until I can't hold on any longer, I send out hugs to any one in a similar situation with physical and emotional pain.

Now 7am .. time to crawl off the sofa, go and get my medication and do it all over again, a right pity party eh.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Having children many pro lifers is the main reason to stay alive. I have children, whilst I adore them, I know life would be easier for them when I am not here.. I too am in the UK have plenty of cliffs around me, but my choice is a bridge, nearly did it once.

 

[throwaway123]

At some point you'll have to make a choice. You can't stay like this forever between two worlds.

 

[thisgoesupto11]

Yes your right I will have to. It doesn't look like my health is going to improve any time soon, if at all. Some days I do make the choice to ctb but then I think, what if it got better? I mean if my health improves then I could get out of this mess and stay alive, I mean I don't really want to go.

But of course that's probably wishful thinking and, I'm back to square one. Ctb and risk messing up my kids future? Or stay and risk messing it up anyway due to arguments/rows and constant pain.

My ideal method has been taken away, so I only have partial suspension or driving/jumping off cliffs. I would go for SN or whatever ithat is, but I don't know anything about it, or if I can get it in the UK?

Thanks for all the responses, it's a real help to be able to discuss this here.

J