Discussion caring less about money when suicidal

[bleedxi]

does anyone else give less shits when it comes to spending money while being suicidal as fuck?

i've spent around 2k over the last week on dumb shit but i don't even care. i buy my friends expensive presents that i wouldn't otherwise, or 'forget' about being paid back with money i'm owed – because why the fuck should i care if i'm killing myself? i actually get annoyed/frustrated when people do care about it, since to me, it seems so pointless a thing to worry about.

things i've spent money on recently:
- i'm flying across the world for a friend's wedding and spending a week overseas
- booked an interstate weekend getaway for my friends and i to celebrate my birthday
- self-funding a zine i'm putting together (commissioning, photoshoots, distribution)
- buying crypto for DN purposes

and guess what? none of it fucking matters because what am i going to use money for if im dead? ヽ(^o^) i want to spend time with my friends and travel and have a perfect last birthday, and now i can!

it feels freeing! this whole year i would have complete breakdowns over buying/renting, finding a place to live, supporting myself, finding a big girl job that didn't make me want to kms, and doing capitalism for the next 70 years of my life – but knowing i will ctb in a few months makes all the anxiety disappear!

i still want enough money to my name so that it can go to my parents, but it's nice not being able to worry about it anymore ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

am i crazy for thinking like this?

 

[Greasyhair]

Haha, I am the opposite. Mostly because I don't know specific time of my exit, only the time frame. But I am also afraid if my bravery breaks and I end up destitute afterwards etc, and I want to surprise those who were good to me in life by leaving them last gift.

You picked good choice to spend money. So good they don't even betray you lack of care. Even if someone was going to tell me your list blind :)