caring for someone else while suicidal (vent)

[ctemourge]

as the title states , ive been appointed to take care of a eldery family member. while i dont mind doing it, it takes a lot of a toll on me , and the circumstances that my family has decided upon me to be the caretaker breaks me down. i was chosen because "i dont do anything anyway & have the free time" my mental illness has taken such a toll on me i do not leave the house unless its for work and i do not work shifts longer than 3 hours. im a fucking bum. a useless employee and family member. so of course they figure why not put the person who does nothing with her life to take care of them! theyve thrown on a big book of rules and shit i need to have done in the house such as repairs and cleaning , all because of my new appointed job. they even had me move in. like. without even asking. cleared a room in the house out and put all my stuff over there. i dont understand why they would choose someone who cant take care of themself at all to take care of someone who genuinely needs the help. i do what i can, hes not disabled or anything he is still functional and thinks hes 21. not literally but he doesnt feel as old as he is. i keep expressing to my family how this is not the right idea and this is expediting my deterioration mentally. i was too far gone before but this is just making it 10 times worse. i take care of him all day and self destruct at night. its the only time i can relieve stress. im just over this shit. i want to feel peace. i cant ctb and have my grandpa find me. thats terrible. honestly my plan wasnt to ctb at home anyways due to sn protocol and being found too early. im rambling at this point. i just wish i wasnt a fucking push over all the time. a part of me wants to traumatize them all at christmas to show them they chose the wrong person to care for him. but i wont. its selfish. it would get the point across but at what cost? bleh. i just want to sleep forever.

hope whoever read this in its entirety has a good day , night , or afternoon.

 

[resteasy3232]

Have you had a chance to talk to a family member about this? Would they understand? Or do they just pile it on top of you?

Do they have the money or resources to get a professional caretaker?

I hope you well

 

[maniac116]

The problem with care giving is "burnout". You need support too. "Care for the caregiver" is necessary. I did that for years with no support & it becomes overbearing & burdonsome which then leads to guilt for having those feelings.
I'm sorry that you're in that position. Isn't there anyone you can split the care with? Just knowing you have help can relieve lots of pressure off of yourself. I hope you find a way to deal with this stressful situation