Venting Caring for elderly parent(s)

[Deleted member 23374]

I am starting this thread to get this out of my head.

I feel bad but justified, i just lectured mom on why we need to stop
shitting on people due to the way that they look.
I love mom but she can be an asshole sometimes.

I'm going through a difficult twitchy epsiode, getting out of bed
is a literal fight with myself, i'm awake most of that time. i just can't get out of bed.
I'm tired of looking out for her but, i am committed. She has me which isn't terrible but,
for what she gave up for all of us i think she deserved better.

I have to remember that i'm a caretaker, i rank second. This thought keeps me here most of the time.
It was definitely a breakdown that lead me here. It's the first one i wasn't hospitalized for.
I'm level in the swing of things but as to the overall, i think i should be in the hospital if for
any other reason, I NEEED A VACATION.

It's maddening to care for an elderly parent who's punchy and stubborn. STUBBORN.
She's not suffering from dementia or parkinsons but her memory is going.

She broke down in tears one night and let it out about how she felt abandoned
by eveyone, how they only show up when they need something, and how everyone is just waiting for her to die.
It's a truth that i hate my family for. I had no words of comfort.

Does anybody here have experience in this department ? How did/do you stay sane, and not drown?

 

[Ghost2211]

It can take a lot of patience and understanding to care for elderly parents. Make sure to remind yourself that you're doing a wonderful thing, and take time to take care of yourself and do good things for yourself. Depending how elderly she is trying to allow some leeway for mental and emotional deterioration, and know that the very elderly are not always completely responsible for what they say. I love my grandma very much but there are times she will say some pretty hurtful things, and then not remember what she said 2 minutes later.

it is very understandable if this job is too overwhelming for you, and there are resources that you can reach out to for elderly care and support. You might want to look into if she can have someone come to the house for a couple or a few hours a day and help take care of her.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Tough situation.

My Mum had dementia, she died of it eventually after a fall. The end of her life was appalling to witness and not something I can discuss.

Whilst she was still at home and afterwards when she was in care, she could be very hard to deal with. She was the toughest, most stubborn, picky person you could imagine. I loved her for it. And for all that her dementia lead her to some odd places, she was also usually right. My siblings and myself were forced to accept things as they were and supported each other through it. The care home staff were excellent too.
We let her get angry and gave her room, then were there for her when she felt better. It was very wearing, but I also had it in my mind that however bad it was for us, it was way worse for her.
You say she doesn't have dementia, so my case may be somewhat different, but even with dementia the person is still the same person. They may act and feel more without a filter, but it's still them. Some people say they are different people, but if you really look, I'd say that isn't necessarily true.
Mum felt abandoned and lonely. I dedicated almost a decade of my life to care for her as much as I could and was happy to do it, though it stretched me terribly. There were times when she was happy and I felt privileged but there were times I wanted to run away screaming. And in the end, I failed her profoundly.
How did i deal with it? I tried to never turn it back on her, whatever she said. She was in a position of extreme weakness and duress and it felt it was my job to deal with it all and be there for her. In her lucid times, I believe she understood this. I guess I was a caretaker too and also ranked second, though i also tried to take care of myself, to keep my job and to take breaks too, even if i was almost always on call. Any time I wasn't there for her, I always felt guilty.
I think that often there is no way to avoid feelings of guilt and exasperation, that is always going to happen. I guess you have to try and be honest with yourself about how you feel and cut yourself some slack when you can.
Is there any facility to get respite care in to give yourself a break?

 

[Deleted member 23374]

It can take a lot of patience and understanding to care for elderly parents. Make sure to remind yourself that you're doing a wonderful thing, and take time to take care of yourself and do good things for yourself. Depending how elderly she is trying to allow some leeway for mental and emotional deterioration, and know that the very elderly are not always completely responsible for what they say. I love my grandma very much but there are times she will say some pretty hurtful things, and then not remember what she said 2 minutes later.

it is very understandable if this job is too overwhelming for you, and there are resources that you can reach out to for elderly care and support. You might want to look into if she can have someone come to the house for a couple or a few hours a day and help take care of her.

Thank you, she is forgetting her sentences mid stream more often. The reason i stay is that she wants to stay in her house, if i go a certain family will try to sweep the house out from under her. So complications. If i had the millions like some, i'd get a nicer place for me and mom and charge the rest of my family a toll of 5.95 us just to cross the property line.
Except for the one family member.

I took up the cello which is the first genuinely nice thing i've done for myself, it helps.
I could only trust someone i hired but money so nope. =/

 

[Ghost2211]

Thank you, she is forgetting her sentences mid stream more often. The reason i stay is that she wants to stay in her house, if i go a certain family will try to sweep the house out from under her. So complications. If i had the millions like some, i'd get a nicer place for me and mom and charge the rest of my family a toll of 5.95 us just to cross the property line.
Except for the one family member.

I took up the cello which is the first genuinely nice thing i've done for myself, it helps.
I could only trust someone i hired but money so nope. =/

I'm sorry you don't feel that there's trustworthy people out there. There are a lot of people that just genuinely want to help elderly people and would be very kind hearted. I will likely get into this line of work once my children are grown. I feel very sad for the elderly it must be a very difficult state of life to endure. Maybe if you interview A few caretakers you might find somebody you form rapport with and would be comfortable with?

 

[Deleted member 23374]

Tough situation.

My Mum had dementia, she died of it eventually after a fall. The end of her life was appalling to witness and not something I can discuss.

Whilst she was still at home and afterwards when she was in care, she could be very hard to deal with. She was the toughest, most stubborn, picky person you could imagine. I loved her for it. And for all that her dementia lead her to some odd places, she was also usually right. My siblings and myself were forced to accept things as they were and supported each other through it. The care home staff were excellent too.
We let her get angry and gave her room, then were there for her when she felt better. It was very wearing, but I also had it in my mind that however bad it was for us, it was way worse for her.
You say she doesn't have dementia, so my case may be somewhat different, but even with dementia the person is still the same person. They may act and feel more without a filter, but it's still them. Some people say they are different people, but if you really look, I'd say that isn't necessarily true.
Mum felt abandoned and lonely. I dedicated almost a decade of my life to care for her as much as I could and was happy to do it, though it stretched me terribly. There were times when she was happy and I felt privileged but there were times I wanted to run away screaming. And in the end, I failed her profoundly.
How did i deal with it? I tried to never turn it back on her, whatever she said. She was in a position of extreme weakness and duress and it felt it was my job to deal with it all and be there for her. In her lucid times, I believe she understood this. I guess I was a caretaker too and also ranked second, though i also tried to take care of myself, to keep my job and to take breaks too, even if i was almost always on call. Any time I wasn't there for her, I always felt guilty.
I think that often there is no way to avoid feelings of guilt and exasperation, that is always going to happen. I guess you have to try and be honest with yourself about how you feel and cut yourself some slack when you can.
Is there any facility to get respite care in to give yourself a break?

I don't trust the family member in question so leaving is not an option currently.
I'm good with kids and it seems some of that skillset applies to dimentia if my situation with an aunt was any
indication, i did nearly lose an eye with that one.
i'm so tired, if i knew i could trust, i would pull up my blankets, get warm and comfortable and make my cut and be done with this.
want to go, can't, not yet. =/
Thank you for your words, i appreciate them.

 

[Gnip]

My aging parents actually take care of me in something of a reciprocal situation. My frail father is beginning to succumb to dementia, but senility doesn't simply turn an evil person into a good one. Incompetent parents failed to give me wings (my mother), or stabbed me in the back and cut my legs out from under me (my father), so now we're stuck with each other.

Although my mother didn't do the job, that's because she didn't realize when it mattered most that my father was Satan and his family were bullying demons, while my now defunct school was Hell, and most of the faculty were devils incarnate.

With a normal father and humane faculty, I might have been reasonably all right.

Regardless, my mother is easily my best friend, the only adult throughout my life who wasn't a bullying death threat. I have promised I will not CTB during her lifetime, but also vowed I will not live to see her interred.

On Friday, I will undergo ultrasound lithotripsy to break up a kidney stone. As always when I'm anesthetized for a medical procedure, I hope I do not ever wake up as I go under and black out. Waking up in the recovery area is always a bitter disappointment.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

My aging parents actually take care of me in something of a reciprocal situation. My frail father is beginning to succumb to dementia, but senility doesn't simply turn an evil person into a good one. Incompetent parents failed to give me wings (my mother), or stabbed me in the back and cut my legs out from under me (my father), so now we're stuck with each other.

Although my mother didn't do the job, that's because she didn't realize when it mattered most that my father was Satan and his family were bullying demons, while my now defunct school was Hell, and most of the faculty were devils incarnate.

With a normal father and humane faculty, I might have been reasonably all right.

Regardless, my mother is easily my best friend, the only adult throughout my life who wasn't a bullying death threat. I have promised I will not CTB during her lifetime, but also vowed I will not live to see her interred.

On Friday, I will undergo ultrasound lithotripsy to break up a kidney stone. As always when I'm anesthetized for a medical procedure, I hope I do not ever wake up as I go under and black out. Waking up in the recovery area is always a bitter disappointment.

I have the same plan, as soon as she passes i go, but, i don't think i'm going to disappear anymore, i'd like to die in my own bed.